As I Am

Straight Through the Heart

After classes, I was heading home, when I noticed Ava leaning on the wall next to the main gate. I haven't seen her there before? She looked... unhappy. Her shoulders were slumped, her arms hanging at her sides, and she was looking down. I tilted my head, raised an eyebrow, and walked to her.

"Ava?" I said softly, "Everything ok?" She raised her gaze and I could see her eyes were slightly swollen and red — she had been crying for sure. I stepped closer and took her hand in mine. She squeezed it tightly, then just rushed close and wrapped her hands around my back, burying her face in my hair. I felt her shudder, and she started sobbing lightly. I wrapped my hands around her waist and squeezed her close to me.

"Ava... What is it?" I asked quietly and nuzzled my nose against her neck. She made a tiny little whimper of a sound, then sniffled. I felt my head getting wet as her tears kept falling on my hair.

"Thalia..." she whispered quietly, "It's my mother... She's... she's..." she said, took a deep breath, and I tried to speak, but only a soft wail came out and she cried more.

"Shh," I said, "cry if it helps. I'm here, I won't leave you. We can go somewhere more private, or we can just stand here. I don't honestly care, I just want to be with you. Take your time. Whatever it is that's bothering you, you'll tell me when the time comes, right?

"You don't have to rush and talk about it now, if you can't. Hang onto me, Ava, and let it out," I said. Ava squeezed me harder than ever before, her entire body shivered and she cried her eyes out on my head.

Honestly, it felt horrible. Seeing — and feeling — her crying like that tore at my heartstrings like nothing before. I would have done anything to make her feel better then. Lied or died, it wouldn't have mattered, I'd have done it. But the only thing I could do was to hold on to her, and assure her that I wouldn't leave her.

After a few minutes, she calmed down enough that I managed to lead her away from the main gate, and into the old club rooms building. We sat down on a small couch that had seen better days. She leaned on me, I had my arms around her.

I managed to shuffle her down, so she was resting her head on my thighs. I ran my fingers through her hair and brushed her cheek with light touches. She kept her eyes closed and let out tiny sobs every now and then.

Even like that — her eyes red, her makeup running — she looked so beautiful. My heart made its way into my throat, way higher than it had any right to be. I had to swallow hard to stop it from escaping. I traced her beautiful ear with my finger.

"A week ago, I wouldn't have believed any of this," I said quietly, more to myself than to have a meaningful dialogue with her. I just wanted to speak out and maybe calm her down with my voice. "A week ago I would have laughed at anyone's face — including my own — who would have said to me that I'd feel like this towards anyone.

"That I'd sit here, someone on my lap, my hands on their hair," I said and ran my fingers through her hair, "and not be anxious or nervous. And to have my heart feel like... like..." I searched for the correct words, but none came to mind. Save one, but I felt it wasn't appropriate this early. Surely not this fast?

"I don't know the words, Ava. I just know that it brings me joy and makes me feel good when you smile, or when I'm next to you. And it tears at my heart when I see you crying. Just being near you is enough. Somehow. It kills me inside when I have to leave, and I have to stop myself from jumping with joy when I see you again.

"I can't stop smiling when I dream that I could live with you and see your face first thing in the morning. That I could come home with you, and just sit on a couch like this, you in my lap, in silence, without the need to do anything. And that we could sing and play music together.

Ava sniffled and mumbled something. She turned in my lap so her face was upward, and she looked at me. She looked so sad I felt my own eyes well up. I brushed the tears away from her cheeks. I wanted to kiss her so badly. So, so, so badly. Her lips looked so inviting I had never seen anything as inviting as they were then, in my entire life.

Ava opened her mouth, but closed it again. She sniffled and pressed her eyes together so very tightly. "Thalia," she whispered, almost inaudibly. "Don't let go."

I grabbed her hands in mine and held her tight against me. I couldn't resist any more, so I leaned down and touched her lips with mine. "I won't, Ava. I promise. I won't ever leave you. My heart aches from the though alone. I will be with you through hell and high water, if you need me," I whispered to her.

I closed my eyes and sang for her. No lyrics, no thought, just feelings. I let my voice wander around and draw in everything I saw, from the old planks at the ceiling and the decaying couch, to her amazingly beautiful face, and her warms hands.

After, I held her for a while. Neither of us spoke anything, there wasn't any need. It wasn't an awkward silence, more like a comforting one. There was no need to fill it with chatter. She opened her eyes and looked at me. Her eyes were still swollen and red, but there were no tears anymore.

"Feeling better?" I asked her softly. She nodded ever so slightly and her lips turned upward at one end, making a tiny — but captivatingly cute — crooked smile. I smiled at her.

"Thank you, Thalia," she whispered. "I don't know what I'd done without you, I—listen," she said and took a deep breath, held it in for a few seconds, then breathed it slowly out. "My mom's dying. I don't know why or how, but she only has days, maybe hours. She was taken to a hospital today, and I just got notified," she said and her lip quivered, but she bit down on it and closed her eyes.

"The thing is, my father hates me. If my mother... if..." she said and took another deep breath. "If she leaves me, my father will throw me out faster than I can say hello. He's flat out told me that before. My mother is the only reason I have a home.

"And she's not even my biological mother. I don't understand what my father has against me. I would have understood if mom would have hated me — I'm a result of an affair my father had. But no, when my biological mother died when I was less than a year old, she took me in against my father's wishes. She raised me and loved me like I was her own.

"And now... and now, she's... dying. The doctor was very grim and did not give out any hope. I didn't know any of this. The only reason I know now, was that mom demanded the doctor contacted me. Father disallowed me visiting her and has her under guard 24/7. I don't know what father has against me, but I cannot win with him. When mom goes, I don't have a home anymore.

My own eyes were filled with tears at this point, and my lower lip quivered more than I care to admit. It was so horrible! How could her own father treat her like that?! I felt sympathy towards her, as my heart clearly still remembered back five years ago and the plane accident...

"I'm so sorry..." I said and brushed my finger across her cheek. Then I suddenly perked up. An impossible thought flashed in my mind, and I tried to bury it, because it was too good. But the thought was persistent, and I honestly couldn't see any bad points in it.

"Ava... I know this is fast, but... come live with me?" I said quietly. "You don't have to, of course! But... my apartment is big enough for two people, if we can compromise on some points. And..." I said and felt my cheeks blush, "I really would want you to live with me, Ava. Seeing you first thing in the morning would be fantastic."

She looked at me and I could tell she was at least thinking about it. She smiled so sweetly at me that I thought my heart would burst. She nodded at me. "If you would have me, Thalia, there's nothing on Earth that I would like more than to live with you," she said.