As I Am

Soothe My Soul

The next day, as we were walking to school together, hand in hand, we met a couple of Ava's classmates again. Harrison and Margaret were there, as was my nemesis, Marie. I think her eyes bulged out of her face when she saw us. I sighed internally, as I figured we were in for another one of Marie's tirades.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" Marie said with an infuriating grin on her face. She smirked at us and managed to convey exactly zero percent of benevolence.

"Morning Palmer," Margaret said from the side and nodded at us. Harrison just silently waved. Marie glanced at them with a scowl on her face. I don't know what twisted her knickers every day, but I didn't like it one ounce.

I felt Ava squeezing my hand, and her whole body tensing as she noticed Marie. Ava really didn't like her. I couldn't help her in her classes, but out here...

"You're actually looking like a human being today, Palmer! Did you run out of black paint?" Marie said, sneering, then chuckled at her own stupid joke. "Or did you lose your paint as you did your home?", she said and laughed out aloud.

"Marie, what is your problem?!" I blurted out to her, putting my hands on my hips. I scowled at her and I admit, might even have tapped my foot on the ground. "Why you have to be such a bitch at Ava, like, constantly? What has she ever done to you?"

"Ava?" Marie said with a chortle. "Oooh, personal, using a first name with her."

"Marie," I said, closing my eyes, and pinched the bridge of my nose, "do you understand that everyone calls you by your first name, you oaf? In fact, Ava's the only one who people keep calling by her surname. Did someone do something terrible to you when you were a child, or why do you attack people all the fucking time, Marie?" I said.

I don't know what I expected, but not that. I may have expected more guffaw and snickering. Certainly more rude words and yelling. I did not expect that expression on her face. Her eyes widened, her pupils shrunk to pinpricks, and she closed her mouth tightly. She looked at me like I was suddenly someone really scary. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. She pressed her lips together very tightly, turned around, and speed-walked away.

I blinked at her receding back and opened my mouth. I swear, I swear I could see a tear in her eye when she turned around. Harrison and Margaret looked at me with their mouth open. I shrugged and turned to face them.

"Uh... I guess I hit something," I said. Everyone nodded around. I looked at Ava. Her eyes were wide open and her pupils were similarly small as Marie's just a second ago. Her mouth hang open and she was mouthing something silently. She pulled my hand and squeezed it hard.

"Thalia!" She said, sharply drawing breath. "I just realized something horrible! I need to talk to you, Thalia. Alone," she said and started pulling me away. I waved at Harrison and Margaret, and lifted my other hand in defeat.

Ava pulled me into the old clubrooms building again, to the surprise of absolutely nobody. It had become our go-to place for being able to be alone. Nobody came here anymore, really. Ava looked shocked, and I was worrying over her. I didn't know what happened. Why would she suddenly act like that.

"Ava," I said as she stopped in one room and leaned her back against the wall. "You're scaring me. What's going on?"

"Thalia," Ava said with surprisingly serious tone. "Don't interrupt, I need to tell you something, and I need to make sense of it at the same time. Please let me finish before you say anything?" She asked and looked at me. I took her hand and squeezed it lightly, then just nodded. She smiled at me.

"Alright. So. Marie..." Ava said and sighed, "We were actually good friends, she and I, when we were kids. I've known Marie for years now. We probably met all the way in the kindergarten, if not earlier. I don't even remember the time I didn't know her. We used to be good buddies and were commonly sleeping over at each other's houses. Right up until we started junior high, some seven years ago.

"Suddenly Marie stopped visiting and she wouldn't talk to me at school. It went bad enough, that she would walk away when she spotted me. I asked all our friends what happened, but nobody knew. I went to visit her home, but her mother yelled at me so loudly and so angrily I just ran and never went back. She didn't even make any sense, I didn't understand anything she yelled, and now I don't remember.

"When we started high-school four years ago, things changed. Marie quickly amassed a sizable following by being 'cool and strong' and she started bullying me. I was really confused on why would she do that. I turned inwards and because, well, me," Ava said and grinned at me sadly. I squeezed her hand gently and brushed my other hand over hers. She smiled shyly.

"Anyway, the bullying continued even after high-school, right up to Uni and this year. I never figured what happened and why she grew to resent me that much. But what just happened out there made me realize something and I connected some horrible dots," Ava said and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath, held it in for some time and then let it slowly out.

"Thalia... Back when Marie used to visit my house, my father would comment on her outlook often enough, calling her 'an aspiring model' and 'beauty queen' on regular basis. Around the time when Marie stopped visiting me, I was taking music lessons. Marie would come to our house and wait for me.

"She used to be in my room and play with my toys or the keyboard, but she suddenly stopped being there, and was regularly coming out of the guest room. It puzzled me enough that I asked, but she would always say she was feeling tired and was taking a nap, and then changing the subject.

"Thalia, I just remembered that around those times, rather than coming home late, father would be home too. With Marie. Alone," she said and her words got stuck into her throat. She shivered and closed her eyes. "Thalia, I... oh my goddess... oh my goddess..." she said. I grabbed hold of her, wrapped my hands tightly around her back and pulled her in, hugging her tightly.

"Ava," I said, pulled away, put my hands on her shoulders and looked right into her eyes. "Whatever happened, or didn't happen. Whatever the reason for it was, or even if there was no reason. It wasn't your fault," I said. I cupped her chin with my hands and tiptoed as much as I could, then kissed her. "It was not your fault Ava. Do not blame yourself. I know it feels horribly to realize something like that, but it wasn't because of you."

She bit her lower lip and her eyes welled up, but she nodded at me. She sniffled lightly, then took a deep breath. "I know, Thalia," she said. "I know, but..." she said and let the words trail out. She shrugged and closed her eyes.

"We need to speak with Marie some of these days, that's for sure," I said. "But it's not today. Let her think about it alone. When she's so angry and irritated from the morning, we can't win. Let's wait for a better day. Oh I know!" I said.

"You know we both don't even want it, but if we ask the teacher to let Marie be the main singer in the performance. And we ask when Marie can hear it herself... maybe...?", I said. Ava smiled weakly and nodded at me.

"That might work," she said softly. "Thank you Thalia." She hugged me tightly. We walked out of the building and into the school, separating for the day for our classes.