As I Am

Through the Fire

Marie slapped the door to the old music club open with such force the windows tingled for a moment. She pushed up against a wall, scowled at us, and then walked to the small couch and sat down. She crossed her arms and glared at us.

"Alright, spit it out you two!" she yelled. "What the fuck are you planning?! I'm not gonna just stand there and be part of your schemes. Spit it out now, and I won't take this further. But god help you if you plan on something around my back..."

"Marie..." I said, but Ava held her hand in front of me and stepped forward.

"Rie. Listen, I have to talk to you," she said. A week ago I would have paid a giant sum of money to see that expression on Marie's face, but now it was just sad. With the mention of her — I guess childhood — nickname, Marie's shoulders dropped down, her eyes welled up, and she just slumped down on the couch.

"Been so long," she said almost inaudibly. She lifted her gaze and now the tears in her eyes were clear as day.

"Rie. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. I just realized it. I... I can't ever beg your forgiveness in the matter. I didn't understand. All of these years... I should, I should have said something, anything. If only I had known back, then..." Ava said softly and walked to Marie.

"What do you mean... Ava," she said, her voice gentler than I had ever heard it be.

"My father..." Ava said and dropped her gaze down. Marie tensed almost visibly and drew her breath sharply at the mention of that person. At least for me, this confirmed Ava's theory. Her father had done some unspeakable things to Marie when they were young. I found myself looking at her in entirely different light. Maybe she wasn't being a huge ass just for the fuck of it?

Marie glanced at me and her jaw tightened. Ava followed her gaze to me and smiled at me. "Relax, Rie. Thalia knows. She's... she's..." Ava said and stuttered momentarily. She sighed deeply and plopped on the couch next to Marie. I stared awkwardly at them and fiddled with my fingers.

"Rie. Do you remember, back at high school when you bullied me and called me gay?" Ava said, looked at Marie and smiled. Marie looked at her smile and raised an eyebrow. She nodded.

"You weren't wrong, Rie," Ava said and chuckled. She motion for me to go there, so I walked next to her. Ava took my hands and pulled me down. I sat on her lap. She looked at me so gently I felt like I'd melt there and then. Can I? Her eyes asked, and I nodded at her. She brushed my hair off of my cheek, put her hands on my chin and pulled me closer. She pressed a soft, but hungry kiss on my lips. I heard Marie gasp, but I didn't care.

"You were right, I just didn't know it then, Rie," Ava said as she pulled away from me and turned to look at Marie again. "I don't know the words, but I know I'm hers for all time," Ava said. Now, I was definitely melting there and then. I was probably having a stupid grin on my face, as Marie glanced at me and rolled her eyes.

"There's nothing I will not tell her," Ava said. "I told her about father and mom. I told her about you and me. And how we used to be bffs until... until..." Ava said and her voice broke. I put my arm behind her and hugged her. She took a deep breath and continued, "Rie. Did he hurt you? Did he... touch you?"

The pain and terror on Marie's face was difficult to accept, but it was clear as a day. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. A tear was falling down her cheek, and she brushed it away. Closing her mouth, she just nodded and grunted.

"You blocked it out, didn't you," I said before I could stop myself. "You blocked it out, tried to forget about it and it fucked you up. You started blaming different people for your feelings and came to resent the ones taking care of you, because you didn't understand."

Marie looked at me like I'd grown a third head and opened her mouth. "How?" Was the only thing that came out though. I took a deep breath. Well, here goes. It's not like it was a secret and Ava definitely deserved to hear it.

"I spent six months in a psych ward when I was fifteen. My parents died in a plane accident and it fucked me up royally. I didn't — couldn't — accept it and blamed all kinds of people. I was almost admitted there for a longer time, but a relative of mine managed to pull me from my denial and I was able to build myself back up," I said. Ava looked at me with such sadness in her eyes.

"I... didn't know," Ava said and brushed my cheek. I put my hand on top of hers and pressed my cheek tighter against her hand.

"I didn't tell you. You had no possibility of knowing. But now you know. I wanted to tell you this alone at some point, but... this seemed like a good spot," I said and turned to look at Marie. "I know we're not friends or anything, quite the contrary. I admit I've always thought that you're just an insufferable bitch and exist only to make me miserable, but... now I know better, and... Marie. I'd like to start from the scratch, if that's okay for you. I have some idea what you've gone through and... I'm so sorry I've been an ass at you."

Marie opened her mouth, but only thin whimpers came out. Suddenly, her lower lip quivered and she broke down crying. Ava placed her hand on Marie's. "It's okay, Rie, let it out," she said. She pulled away from me and looked at me with a question in her eyes. I nodded at her, this was something she needed to do for Marie, I couldn't argue that.

Ava pulled Marie into her lap and brushed her hand across her cheeks and hair. Marie's whole body shivered as she sobbed her sorrows out. I sat down next to Ava and leaned my head against her. We sat there in silence, for how long, nobody can tell. It was almost dark when we left there. Nobody spoke another word the whole time.

As we were walking away from school, Marie trailing us, she stopped and tilted her head and looked at us, as we were turning away and heading to our apartment. Ava nodded at her.

"I live with Thalia now," she said. "Father kicked me out the second mom passed away. Thalia suggested I move in with her after..." Ava said and suddenly turned bright red. I felt my own cheeks turn red as I remembered when and why I suggested that. "...afterward," Ava just said and cleared her throat nervously.

"Ava... Wats—Thalia," Marie said, "I... thank you."

Ava and I just nodded at her and we smiled. "Anytime, Rie," Ava said.

"I might be away from school a couple of days," Marie said. I nodded. I totally understood. "See you around," Marie said as she waved and walked away. I put my arm behind Ava's waist, she put hers behind my shoulders. I leaned my head on her shoulder, she leaned her head on my head. We watched as Marie walked away, rounded the corner and disappeared from our view.

"Let's go home," I said.