After All (A Jordan Knight/Joe McIntyre Fanfiction)

37

"Hey Sara Beth!"

Sara Beth jumps, she wasn't expecting him to come up behind her as she waiting in front of the hotel. "Where did you come from? Were you waiting for me inside?"

"Oh. No I stayed here last night. It was so late when the party ended, I didn't want to drive home. So what do you feel like for lunch?"

Sara Beth knows how much Jordan use to love Italian food. "I'm in the mood for pasta." Jordan smiles at her. "I know just the place."

They're both quiet on the short drive to the restaurant. Once they've been seated for a few minutes Sara Beth starts off the conversation. "Jordan, I have to say, I love seeing you all grown up. You're exactly how I imagined you would be. I kept up with your public personia over the years. You've always been so talented. Whenever I'd see you on TV or in a magazine I always wondered if our daughter got your eyes or your smile. Or your talent. I was so happy when I found out she got all of those things from you."

Jordan smiles, but it's awkward, not quite meeting his eyes. "I'm not sure she has my talent, I think she's got way more talent than I could have ever dreamed of having. She's absolutely amazing. But yes I've looked into those big brown eyes of hers and it was like looking in a mirror. I hate that I missed so much of her life. I bet she was a great kid."

Sara Beth sounds so sad when she speaks again. "Jordan I'm so sorry. I should have tried harder. I should have asked my Aunt to take me to find you. I shouldn't have given up until I found you and told you I was pregnant. I didn't think like a parent, or even like an adult. I was just a kid, and maybe that's no excuse, but I was always a good little catholic girl. I never did anything to upset my parents, especially my father. He was my whole world for so long. Everything I did was to make him proud. Then I met this boy. And he changed my whole world. Then he was gone, I was so young and I didn't know how to deal with so much change. I was all alone. I had no one to help me get through it. My parents turned their backs on me. My friends weren't allowed to hang out with me. I wanted, more than anything, to believe you'd come back for me. But you never did. I gave you my virginity because I thought you were someone special. And you were, you are. I really did want you to know about Amber. I wish I would have tried harder. But at the same time, everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure I could have lived a happy life without my dad. It was such a fucked up situation."

Jordan's feelings soften towards Sara Beth. He hadn't even realized he'd been harboring anger at her over Amber. But he never really looked at her side of things. Or the part he played in hurting her. "God Sara Beth I'm so sorry. I never thought about it that way. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to keep in touch with you. I'd promised you we'd see each other again. I called you once and that was it. To be perfectly honest Sara, I was really upset with you for not telling me I have a daughter. I only looked at things from my point of view. I'm glad I know your side of things now. I had no idea how hard it was for you. And I'm sorry I was so selfish. I shouldn't have been your first if I wasn't going to be able to be there for you. You deserved better than that. And I could use the excuse that I was young and just as inexperienced. But I won't."

"This feels really good, talking about everything. I'm glad we decided to do it. So our daughter asked me why I didn't try harder to find you. She asked me if it ever crossed my mind that we could have been a family. It caught me by complete surprise. I'd never talked about that with anyone."

Jordan's really curious what her answer was. "So did you ever think about that?"

"Yes Jordan. I thought about it my entire pregnancy. It crossed my mind at least a thousand times a day. I wanted to keep her but only if you were with me. She deserved a real family and me by myself wasn't a real family. But I never stopped thinking about what could have been. I've never had a serious relationship. I've dated a few men throughout the years, but never anything serious. And I never thought about having more kids. My opportunity for happiness came and went when I was sixteen. Don't look at me like that Jordan, I've done okay for myself. I'm not some sad sack you need to feel sorry for. I've gotten by on my own. Knowing what an amazing woman our daughter grew into, makes it all worth it."

Jordan wants to kiss her so badly. He's looking at her in a whole new light. He can't believe she's stayed so positive after being through so much. When he'd first started to get to know Amber as his daughter, he'd held a bit of a grudge against Sara Beth. All he could think about was how he'd missed out on being a father to his daughter. He'd thought her decision had been so selfish. But it wasn't selfish at all. It would have been more selfish if Sara had kept her. He now thought she was the most selfless person he knew. And to hear she never had a serious relationship saddened him, but knowing it was more or less because of him made him a little happy. "So you never had a serious relationship? No one else ever lived up to that nervous, fumbling boy in 1987 huh?" He winks at her.

For the first time since he ran into Sara Beth again and found out the truth about Amber, he's seeing her differently. He's seeing her as the mother of his child. To him, there's nothing more beautiful than that. It's why he's stayed with Evelyn for so long. There's just something special about a woman who gives your child life.

He can't stop thinking about kissing her as they drive back to the hotel. The thought of his lips on hers consumes him.

Jordan pulls over in a grocery store parking lot. When he puts the car in park he sits there for a minute, staring at the steering wheel. Sara's confused, "Jordan what're you doing? Why'd you stop here? Do you need groceries?"

Turning to her he says, "No. I can't stop thinking about something and it's distracting me."

"Well what is it? Is it anything I can help you with?" She asks, laying her hand on top of his.

"No. I mean yes. I don't know. It's complicated and probably a bit selfish." He won't look at her. He can't. Because if he does, he knows he'll kiss her. And he's just not sure it's the right thing to do. If he kisses her, will he want more. Or will she get mad. Would that be crossing the line? His head is full of questions and desires and wants and needs.

"Jordan?"

The way she says his name makes him look at her. There's this look in her eyes that's telling him yes, or maybe that's just what he wants to be seeing in her eyes? Then she squeezes his hand and pulls it over to her, bringing him with it. His hand moves to the back of her neck, now he pulls her to him. The instant their lips touch, everything else disappears.