Life of a Childhood Cancer Warrior - Emi's Journey

In the ICU

It's been two days since you fell into septic shock. We are still in the ICU, and I don't think we will get back to our room so soon. You are still on life support. I heard the doctors talking about you. They said something about end of life care, and that you won't make it. It's so incredibly scary, I hope I just didn't hear it correctly. I can't lose you, I wouldn't survive that. You are my angel, my little beautiful sister. I can't believe we are in this situation. What did we do wrong so you deserve to suffer like this? Nothing! It's so unfair.

The ICU is the most horrible place on earth. Every patient here is so close to death. I haven't prayed this much in my entire life, I pray every second that you make it. The loved ones of the patients are here to say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye to you. That's the last thing I want to do. I need you baby girl, please don't stop fighting. I know you are fighting so hard for every single heartbeat. It breaks my heart to see you like this. This can't be how you end. I will never forget the awful memories we made in the ICU. The pictures of you being on life support is something I will never be able to forget.

I'm in the corridor of the ICU. I am not allowed to leave this unit. Walking along the rooms and knowing that everywhere people are dying is the worst feeling I have ever felt. It's so horrible. Even babies are here. Can you capture a baby dying? I can. And I promise you, you don't want to. Please God, take us out of here. And don't let Emi die. I can't survive that.

I'm sitting next to your bed. Your face is so pale, your hair has completely fallen out now. The breathing tube is intubated. Your eyes are closed and swollen. You have gotten a second broviac line to assist your first one. You have a second NG tube in your nose. It's assisting you in digesting. Through your PICC- line in your arm pain medication is flowing into your body. Through your two central lines, chemo, blood, nutrition and platelets are going into your body. It's not normal. You will have so many scars because of being poked this often. And again I'm crying. Please just open your eyes again. That's the only thing I wish for.