Stray Kids One Shots

I hate me - Bang Chan

TW//Mental health issues

Actually, he was a great human being.

Actually, you couldn't even describe how good and how wanted he made you feel.

But there were days when he just wasn't himself anymore. In his room the whole time on a work-free day, his face expressionless, cold. The days he couldn't enjoy. And unfortunately, there were really too many of them.

He deserved so much better.

Everytime you tried to cheer him up, make his day better withlittle gestures - cooking his favorite meal, watching his favorite movie together or maybe let him run in a warm bath, because he always did that for you when you were the one who felt miserable.

You wanted to give it back to him. The love that was in his actions that made you feel so salvaged. The effort he always brang up to make you feel better, even if he felt terrible himself. You wanted to show him how much you cared for him, too.

But it didn't work everytime. Sometimes he smiled a little, agreeing to watch a movie or something like that. On other days, he forced the smile onto his face, just to show you how much he appreciated your effort.

But then he refused to eat. He refused to turn on the TV. He refused to take a bath. He refused to relax.

The things he did was working, working and working. Not because he didn't like spending time with you, but because he wasn't feeling like doing something for his current state.

Work distracted him from his thoughts, or so he thought. And he knew that he neglected you, he was sorry for that. But he couldn't do something against it. It looked like he couldn't enjoy life anymore.

You wanted to speak about it a long time ago, trying to convince him to do something different than sitting at his desk and staring at his laptop. You really tried. But everytime he said: "You know, I'm very busy at the moment. I have to get that work done as fast as possible." And that was it.

You already knew he wasn't doing it because of pressure from work. He didn't feel good, that's why he didn't do anything else. You worried about him a lot, but you couldn't do anything different than offering him to get away from his desk. Even if he refused.

It was another day where Chan was only in his room to be found, but it was different than the other days. You already noticed it when you woke up - he looked far more exhausted and unmotivated than usual. He didn't give you the usual "good morning hug". He didn't smile one time you saw him, in addition that these were rare situations that day. Something was wrong.

That feeling increased even more when you stood in front of his room's door.

You just wanted to look after him, checking up on him if everything was okay, when you witnessed Chan's first ever real breakdown.

Loud, unsatisfied groans were heard, the sound of headphones being thrown against the wall aggressively and his fist hitting the table hard. You've never experienced this side of him, and to be honest: you were kind of scared of this Chan.

You opened the door a little to see him sitting at his desk, closing the laptop with such a loud bang that you flinched. But after that, everything was suddenly quite. He lay his forehead on both of his palms and then, there was something you've never heard before.

Sobs. Chan was crying. As unbelievable as that seems, you've never heard him crying before. He had never cried in front of you. Now, you were really worried, so you stepped in.

"Chan...?" Your words came out worried, but so careful. You didn't want to upset him even more, so you chose your words with caution. He turned his head to you in shock, but instantly taking in his previous position and wiping his tears away. You walked straight to him, hesitantly and slowly. He lowered his head as if he was embarrassed to be caught in such a situation. But you on the contrary felt no embarrassment. The only thing you felt was concern, in every single inch of your body.

"Hey, what's wrong...?" You stopped beside him, trying to look down at his red and wet face. No reaction came, he didn't even tilt his head. So you gently placed a hand on his shoulder and caressed it with your thumb.

To be honest, you were overwhelmed, and in this moment you realized something: You've never dealt with problems of his, everytime it were your own. You never talked about his feelings, about how he felt. You didn't even know how to handle this situation. Everytime, it was about you, you, you. Always about how bad you felt, always about how terrible your state was. It was never about him.

You felt so, so guilty. You wanted to be there for him. You've never realized that probably he wanted to talk about his problems too. Well, not obviously, but you could have squeezed it out of him. He wasn't a man who liked to talk about what bothered him. You had to tickle it out, but you never did.

Now, that could be the chance to get better.

Without hesitation, you pulled another chair beside him and sat down so that you could have a look at him. Still, he wasn't reacting. But your hand instantly found its way to his chin, lifting it up. Now he had to face you. His eyes were already a little bit red and you could see how urgently he tried to hold his sobs back. But it was too late now.

"Open up to me, Chan, please..." It sounded so desperate, like you were waiting for him to do it a long time ago. He was shaking a little, looking so pressured and... broken. And when he still didn't answer, you had to do something. Something that calmed him down everytime you did it. Something that showed you were there for him and you would listen.

You placed your hand on his as you scooted a little closer to him, again locking your eyes with his. A small nod showed him that he could talk, the caressing of your hand reassured him that it was all right to let it out. And in a few seconds, his eyes filled with tears again and he had to break the eye contact. He was facing the desk again, tears dropping down on the painted white wood.

"I don't know, I just...", another large sob, "I hate myself... I feel like I don't try hard enough, like I choose the company over our relationship... I'm not satisfied with my work anymore and everytime I look at me I feel... empty. Disappointed."

These words hurt you way more than you had expected. Hearing that out of the mouth of the person you love most is completely devastating. He was such a great man and he should have known that, but he couldn't see what you did.
You saw a strong, creative and handsome man in him. But he? For him, he wasn't good enough, he could do better. He wasn't handsome enough, he could be prettier. He wasn't working hard enough, he could make more effort. These thoughts destroyed your heart like someone stepped on it and smashed it into pieces.

You wanted to tell him otherwise, proof him that he was wrong, scold him that he had ever thought that way about himself. But you had to find the right words first. It was okay that he felt like that.

"Don't say that. You are perfect as you are, and you should be more proud of what you do. You always put so much effort in your work, you always try so hard to make time for me...", your gaze wandered to something different than his eyes, "you are so kind, so honest, so... perfect."

Now he was the one who wanted to lock eyes. It was like he was waiting for more, thinking that you weren't finished. So you continued.

"I know that feeling, though. It's completely fine to feel like that sometimes. Just know..." You looked at your both hands and tangled up your fingers with his. "Just know you are enough."

Your gaze found his again. He knew you really ment what you said, and it gave him power, if only a bit. But you were rambling on, trying to make him feel better.

"I am so proud of you, and you should be too." A small smile made its way to your lips and then Chan's arms found theirs around your body. You hugged him back, still really carefully.

You knew that it would take time to get better. Nobody could begin to love themselves in a few days. It would be a long way for him to go, but you knew he could do it. He was strong. And you were going to help him with that, show him that he's worth it.

His chin rested on your shoulder, and while you stroked his back soothingly, he whispered something into your ear, nearly hearable.

"Thank you."