Desiderium

Grief

To be human, is to hurt.

Pain is a constant I've learned to deal with among the humans.

But, this pain... this burning, hollow, empty that consumes my being. This feeling that is so hot, yet cold, and numb. 

I don't know how long I can take this. 

He's gone.

He's been one of the largest parts of all these years, helping, guiding, and loving me, while simultaneously contributing to my pain.

No relationship can ever be perfect. I know that now, though it only took two relationships to realize that. Granted the first relationship lasted lifetimes.

I thought Mason was perfect at first, it felt that way. I saw all the parts of himself he wanted to hide, he saw all that I hoped to be, and we connected so deeply I couldn't tell where he ended and I began. But no matter how we felt, he was still human and so, flawed.

He was so... warm.

His alcohol problem had worsened with time, he wasn't too nice when he drank. Sometimes it was little things, like forgetting to take out the trash, then it was blacking out drunk, coming home late because he was at the bar.

I wasn't perfect either, I waited until we were married to tell him what I am. We were fifteen years into our marriage and he noticed I wasn't aging. I told him what I was. His drinking got worse because of it.

For a while it hurt to be together, but being apart felt even worse. I made myself busy with the hotels and his problem only grew.

No relationship is going to fix an individual's issues, so before we could officially be together again he got help. I wouldn't have been with him otherwise, no matter the pain of our separation.

Were we perfect? 

No.

But no one is, and though we had our problems, we bettered ourselves in the end. I don't regret us. 

I regret the time we wasted, the time that we could've shared, the time that I forgot was fleeting.

I'm just so... cold without him.