Beautifully Jaded~RVD

Everything

I know my mind was running away from me, and that none of these things will really happen. I probably won't move back to Sydney and Ruel and I will probably never end up being together. This life was made up completely of infatuation and dream and you could only do so much. I take a deep breath and let out a sigh. When Ruel doesn't answer I look over to see him sleeping or falling asleep.

"Hey, you need to wake up" I whisper gently shaking him.

His eyes open abruptly and he shots up and starts ticking me vigorously. The two of us rolling round in the grass him tickling me. He rolls on top of me so he had better grip of me so I can't crawl off. He stops a second to let me breathe. I pant and laugh at the same time and he laughs at my courage.

My laughs grew nervous as I realised he was on top of me and he had all the power, I try to shake it off but the fact that he's physically on top of me makes me wanna cry. He rolls off and lays back down on his back, he pulls me closer to him so I'm laid on his arm and he's playing my my hair.

"The album huh" he chuckles, and it's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

"Prideful" I say proudly.

"I still don't get the meaning" he tells me.

"Wait really?" I ask him sitting up and looking at him.

"Yeah, it was like I hate everyone. Sometimes I hate myself other times I don't" He shrugs.

"Oh, I mean it is vain but it's not that vain" I laugh.

"No, it's pretty vain sage" he laughs.

After his laughs there was a silence and I was debating telling him the reason the album is so vain. I take another deep breath and I lay back onto his arm.

"The album is the story from the day I left here to move to LA to a few month ago" I sigh.

He doesn't say anything but I know he wants me to continue.

"When I left I was angry and hurt I needed to do something that was angry but not angry enough to be classes as pop punk. I wanted to dabble in bits of other genres in the songs so it brought in diversity but it also showed that I felt all these different things. Carnage was supposed to be about the complications of us, how we wanted each other but the two of us weren't willing to commit so we ended up hurting each other. I got Jaden to feature on Vain because it made sense the song was about being vain, it's like a fuck you I only need me song. Motionless is the stand still I went though I was empty, motionless doing everything so robotically. God complex was  a big one because I do have a god complex and most of the time I do love myself but that song was like them embodiment of love and hate. Helpless and broken we're about a dream I had I won't recall the dream but as you can imagine the sadder, emotional songs. I hope you know, cruel love and break me are supposed to be listed to together, it's a love hate relationship between the pair they can't stand each other yet they love being near each other and the energy" I tell him.

"Why machine gun Kelly?" He asks.

"I dont know to be fair, it seemed right to have him. Cruel love is the first song that charted and it just made sense for Colson to be on it comparing all the things he's done and experienced" I shrug.

"Wreckless" he say prompting me to continue.

"Right, wreckless spelt wrong. Well wreck as in a car wreck and reckless and in miss behaving. The music video for that song is actually going to be a car crash and then a whole bunch of other things but it's supposed to be then vain leaving my body because the rest of the songs are more honest. Honestly and I'll hurt you were more a plea I wanted to let you know that I'd hurt you if you'd have seen me how I was. Stay was the retribution because if you would've insisted on staying it would've ended badly. I wish I was me is what it says in the the title, self discovery. And the last two were the last time I saw you when Analise cheated. I just needed to write something that ended it on a bittersweet note and it was like actually yeah, I'm okay with what's happened" I nod at the end.

"You know, I knew what every song meant. I just wanted to hear you admit it" he chuckles.

"Wow Ruel, never knew you were so mean" I say grabbing my heart.

"Yeah, it's a new thing called being vain. It's in at the minute" he jokes.

"What about you away? Mr stages of a break up" I pester poking his cheek.

"I was suspicious of Analise for a while so I started writing about it, while I was writing say it over I wasn't sure if it was about you or her though. I, just after we split up closure was needed and that's how I got it" he sighs.

"I was scared to listen to it at first" I admit.

"Why?" He laughs.

"I don't know, I was just apprehensive. I was very anti Ruel at the time I just couldn't bring myself to, but when I did distance made me sad. It reminded me of when I left for LA but like you said Analise. I was so confused after I listened to it I made a song just so I wasn't frustrated" I laugh.

"How has this happened?" He laughs.

"What?" I ask.

"Us giving secret messages to each other but not admitting it till now, I knew you resented me and I knew the album was about me when you released cruel love but I didn't think I'd ever feel gratitude" he smiles.

"Me neither" I sigh closing my eyes.

"Tired?" He asks.

"Hm, maybe a little" I yawn.

He gets to his feet and offers me his hand. I take it and he pulls me up, I link my arm with his due to my unsteadiness and we walk down the quiet streets of Sydney feeling in tune with each other but mostly everything we wanted to say to each other was mostly in the open. It felt good to be stumbling sleepily in Ruels arms due to jet lag. I hope this feeling of euphoria doesn't wear off in the morning.