mental state

20. Strong

As long as I remember Tay has always had marks on his body, I never knew if it was his handywork or his parents. Whenever my six-year-old self would see him with a black eye or a scrached face in kindergarden I would always wonder. Where did he get those? 

He told me that as long as he can remember he was always beaten by his parents. They would blame him, punish him and just call it teaching the boy some manners. But youd have to be totally crazy to think that that was normal to do.

 He sayd that once he started going to school, the beatings only happened on fridays. He always thought that it was his fault, that he needs to be better. He was always alone and wondering the streets of our city to get some peace. He stumbled upon a gang, they kinda took him in as one of theyr own. Im guessing they felt sorry for him. From there on he was taught how to fight and get what was needed to survive. He stopped coming to school, except for thursdays to get his work done, just enough to get thru the year. And bc hes grades were fine the teachers didnt really put much effort into finding out why he would only come to school once a week. 

Even though he got into fights just for the fun and always win he never got the guts to go up against his mom and dad. He stayed away for weeks from home but still returned and took a beating for it. He did have the courage for using his words to hurt them though. He would yell and insult them as often as he could. I think he felt like he deserved the beatings from them, like all the bad things he did would be balanced out by those punches and scratches. 

Hes tried to kill himself about four times now. First time he doesnt remember his age, but looking back at it he didnt even realise that he was doing it at the time. He was taking every pill he found in the house, went to bed and fell asleep. The second time he tried to hang himself but one of the ppl that owed him came over to pay him back. He found him and got him down. Obviously Tay made him swear not to tell anyone. Third time was at the party we went to together and the fourht time was the wrists. He thinks the ppl who kill themselves are strong and brave for doing that. And that he is the weak one for always failing.  No one around him found about his attempts, so his status never changed. 

He was respected and looked up to by the younger and older ones of the gang. Though he barely showed up he was always welcome to party, smoke or just hang with them. He loved being alone and the girls who noticed his "status" among the others were always there to accompany his nights. He never had a girl by his hand and was as cold as ice to the ones who tried after the night they shared. 

You might think that bc of the fact that he was the shit on the streets that he would be fine with his life. He never wanted to live whatever his status or strenght against others. Bc of the fact that as soon as he was born he was reminded that he was unwanted, unloved and hated in general by the ones who raised him all the time. That made his wanting to live  vanish a long time ago. 

He did stand up for the ones he though needed his help and made sure that they would know that they owe him. Thats the way he always had a free way to get things. Ppl were scared of him but he was never someone who made friends. People came to him to be his "friend", but usually he woulod refuse. He used the fear ppl had again for his advantage. Like threatening the ppl who spread rumors about me. 

He has episodes of depression and anger waves. When those happen, he pushes me away. He yells, insults and once he almost punched me. I know that in those moments hes just scared and somehow I do manage to calm him down. He also has nightmares quite often. Its heart breaking to hear him cry and feel him shake. 

He always makes sure to apologise and make sure that I know it was all a mistake. Once he even offerd me to hit him. He told me that if I felt like it, I could punch him. I didnt say no to that offer, so its still up in the air. I help him get over these episodes with emotional and physical support. Any sort of physical help. 

We agreed that instead of saying those famouse scary three words that ppl in relasionships often say, we say "I hate you". It might be a little weird, but it takes the pressure off and its much more easier this way. 

The fact that he has a girlfriend spread fast. A lot of girls have come up to us on the streets and tried to make me jealouse by getting all flirty. Tay however always insulted them and made them feel like a dog in his way, whil holding onto my waist or kissing me right in front of them. He loved making ppl mad and playing with ppls emotions. So I was a little scared hed do it to me. But hes the cutest, sweetest and such a gentleman around me. Except when hes in the mood. He always puts my needs and pleasures first. 

Although our relasionship is amazing, it has many dark shadows that still remind us that we are far from normal and ok. So we made a decision. Well end it together, whenever we feel like it. Whatever the day, the time or place, it doesnt matter. Its a promise we made and its a promise we will not breake.