mental state

16. so tired

Thump, thump, thump..... A weak and sad heart was beating. It echod in my ear, this sad beat. But it made me happy. This heart that wanted to stop and be free, made me happy by doing something it didnt want to do. I opened my eyes, and the sad beat was acompanied by hospital machines beeping. My head was resting on his chest, my body felt weak. My mind was blank but my body remembered the shock and fear that made my mind be quiet. I felt someone squeeze my hand. I quickly raised my head and looked at him. Hes asleep, but holding onto my hand so tight. I raised my hand with his to my mouth and kissed it. 

The sound of rain outside and the smell of medicine, it all made this feel like I was lost. I looked at his wrists, they were all patched up. I know for a fact, that the one to blame is his parents. They are the ones, who should die. Not him, not like this.

I always hated the summer. My mom was working all the time, so I was alone. Before Jerome, I had one friend. Her name was Rome. We met on a playground. She has long dark hair, bright blue eyes and the prettiest smile. But even when I had her, she was always traveling with her family in the summer. So again, I was alone.

 The worst thing about being alone too much, is the fact that you start to think about the most weirdest things. And bc youre alone, everything bad that happens can only be your fault. I developed an eating disorder, to make up for the things i did wrong. Whenever I felt like I did something bad, Id starve myself. I remember Rome telling me she had a dream, about how I was a skeleton and that I was begging for help. 

A lot of ppl might see summer as a way to relax and party and be free from work and school. To me its a death trap. Im left all alone with my thoughts and feelings, so how could that be freeing. I thought that this summer would be different bc of Tay.  And in a way it is, but Im still hurting. And its not that I dont want to change and find a way to fix myself. Im scared, to let go of all those past pains. It feels weird, bc I AM my pains, theyre the only thing I have. So to let them go, Id let go of myself aswell. Id me nothing.....

Suddenly I felt a hand stroke my head. I looked up and saw his eyes. Those beautiful grey eyes. I hugged him, without saying anything. I started crying and I felt his tears on my back aswell. We stopped hugging and pushed our foreheads together. I kissed his forehead and wiped his tears off his cheeks. "Hey..." I sayd in a soft voice while looking at him. He raised his hand to my face and I placed my face into his palm. "You scared me..." I sayd while I took his hand and held it with both of my hands. "Im..." he wanted to apologies, but he wasnt sorry. I could see it in his face, he isnt sorry. He didnt want to wake up. 

"tired.." he sighed.  There was blaming silence for a sec. "You know theyr gonna put me to therapy now."  I let go of his hand as he sayd that. "Maby its for the best..." I answered. He gave me a suprised look. "You think thatll solve my problems?" He sayd with a blaming voice. "I dont know. I just want whats best for you, Tay." He looked away, staring at the window. He didnt say anything, just stayed quiet. "Do you want some water, maby something to eat." I asked while standing up. I knew he was beyond dissapointed. The mood of the room was lifeless and emotionless. He didnt want to be here....."You should go home.." he sayd , still keeping his gaze out the window. I felt my throat close up, and again I was holding back my tears. Those words, he knows how much they can hurt. "Do you really....want me to leave?" I asked as my voice broke. "You know what I really want?" he answered and finally turned his head towards me. He kept quiet, completely quiet. 

I fell to my knees next to his bed. "But I dont want to leave you, I dont want you to..." I couldnt finish my sentence, my throut was dry and my eyes were red from keeping my tears in. It hurts. "I dont want to leave you, but I dont want to stay Elly!" he sayd asI watched his eyes fill with tears. He looked at me with the most confused face that was begging for answers.

 "I cant do this anymore! What am I supposed to do? Please tell me Elly! Please help me!" He screamed out with a broken voice, that was so tired. With tears streaming from his face, he rested his head against the wall.  For the first time I felt so so so clueless. I wanted to help, but how?!                He sighed "so tired..." 

A nurse knocked on the door before she entered. " Eleanor, your mom is here. She is waiting outside." I stood up and walked out the door. I was in awe, I couldnt stop the tears flowing from my eyes. I just walked out, without looking back. My heart felt like, it had been stomped on. 

again the beating of that sad, tired heart was stuck in my ears..........