Bonded to her

Chapter 3

“Get the headmaster.” I whispered setting down Granger tenderly on the couch in my rooms next to the fireplace. Potter flooed the headmaster as soon as he got back in the building surprisingly put together for the situation. The moment we were at Hogwarts again all of his anger was gone and I only then realized the drama in front of the Dark Lord was a show.

He had grown up enough to realize my hands were tied in certain cases like these and I didn’t want to do the things I did.
My mind flashed guiltily about drawing out teasing her for my own enjoyment. And hers of course. I had never seen someone so fiery fold so easily into my will. Bending at my every command so willingly. She was younger than me and far less fucked up. I had no business being around her.

Yet I knew watching her be with anyone besides me would kill me now. She was supposed to be mine. I always thought the war would be the death of me. Here I was completely oblivious to the real threat right in front of me.

She was pale and a mess from the cruciatis and then me running my hands into her hair passionately pulling her into me. When I got back to my rooms I sat beside Granger and carefully brushed her hair out of her face. She was an angel compared to me and I had done the most wicked of deeds to her. And wanted more. I was fucked up. Even remembering the way she leaned onto my chest while I fucked her was enough to have me ready for another round. She was passed out and I had no business ever touching her again.

“Severus?” The headmaster’s voice cut through my thoughts and I only then realized I had let my guard down and had gotten lost in my thoughts. The headmaster was back with Harry and Draco and the boys looked at me far more concerned for me than I deserved.

“Sorry, what?” I asked trying to focus more on them this time.

“How did she get into Voldemort’s hands?” The headmaster asked again taking a seat on one of my chairs, his grand purple robes sparkling oddly in the firelight.

“Lucius came to my rooms directly. Saw her. Got the idea to bring her. The Dark Lord has been bugging me to find a way to get to Potter. I’m in his good graces and she doesn’t die from Lucius at least.” I said emotionlessly.

“I knew my father was behind this! This is my fault. Last year I talked so much about how annoying she was and it was a shame she was pretty for a mudblood.” Draco admitted guiltily sitting next to Harry on my rug. 

“Its my fault. I should have found a way out. I thought she was underage though and you know the Dark Lord takes a hard pass until they are of age. I didn’t know she used a time turner.” I said wondering how I could have miscalculated so badly. The headmaster sighed and brought me some whisky and a glass knowing what I needed on a night like tonight.

“Boys. Its been a long night. I will make sure Miss. Granger makes it to her bunks safely.” The headmaster said trying to get some privacy for us. I didn’t look at either of them as they left. I was transfixed by how sweet and innocent her round face was. Remembering the trusting way she leaned back when I told her to knowing the moment I saw her face I wouldn’t be able to control myself. I was a demon.

“In war sacrifices need to be made.” The Headmaster said sagely reading my mind without reading it.

“Not her.” I whispered more to myself than him, drinking my drink in a single swallow. I leaned over stressed closing my eyes trying to block out my misdeeds.

“She will forgive you.”

“I wont forgive myself. This wasn’t how its supposed to go. I have done worse than tonight’s deed so many times I lost count. I don’t even register it half the time. Its impersonal and serves a purpose.” I explained trying to articulate without giving details since I knew he was squeamish knowing exactly what I had to do to keep my cover. He hummed peering at me over his glasses.

“So your upset that you felt something." He said thoughtfully rubbing his beard.
“Something? No. I felt everything. She’s going to wake up tomorrow and hate my guts and I will not be able to move on.” I explained staunchly knowing there was no way around it no matter how badly I fought it.

“I wouldn’t be so sure.” The headmaster said optimistically with his characteristic smile. I sighed and looked back to Hermione feeling my self loathing grow by the second.

“I will let you get some rest. Tomorrow we will plan for how to keep Voldemort busy so this type of thing doesn’t happen again. For tonight though, get some sleep.” He said getting up and giving me a pat on the shoulder.

As if I could sleep with her on my mind. I knew it would be a long restless night so I poured myself some more whiskey ready to be drunk at least so the guilty feeling stung slightly less.