antebellum [t. riddle]

xliii.

christmas day, 1944
tw: substance abuse

one year.

she stared at the calendar on her bedroom wall.

all she had left was one year.

three hundred and sixty-five days.

eight thousand seven hundred and sixty hours.

five hundred twenty-five thousand and six hundred minutes.

she didn't know if she could wait that long.

it was christmas morning. she barely registered it until her body fully awakened.

christmas in sicaria's childhood had never been much to look forward to. for sicaria, christmas had meant a twenty-four-hour break from training, and accompanying her parents to a christmas gala with one of their friends, or at macusa. she received gifts from both her paternal and maternal grandmothers. her grandmother on her mom's side died of suicide after her grandfather died (the story she told malfoy's parents was rooted in truth) when she was eight, and the one on her dad's side had died from influenza four years following that.

she had never found any sadness in not receiving christmas gifts; there was nothing she really desired, nor would she have time for any kind of recreation. there were many things to be miserable about in sicaria's childhood, but not getting presents on christmas was not one of them. she conserved her anger for meaningful things.

after her parents died, her first christmas was spent alone for the most part. the early part of the day was spent volunteering with the red cross organization. the later part consisted of getting drunk alone and eating spaghetti, one of the only things she had known how to cook. her neighbor had chastised her after finding out she spent the holiday alone, saying that she was always welcome to come to visit. sicaria smiled and nodded, knowing she never would impose on the woman's holiday if she could help it.

last christmas, she hadn't even been in new york. she was in melbourne, on a mission for macusa. her assigned partner, fsa agent 8347, had gone down and spent her day at the beach, while sicaria sat in the hotel room, once again getting drunk alone.

her plan for this christmas had been to get high and...

well, that's it. that was her only plan.

unfortunately, she now had company. she didn't know if she wanted to risk doing hard drugs only a wall away from the most invasive man on the planet, but the craving was getting harder and harder to ignore.

she found herself longing for the universe to give her a break. the series of events in her recent life had left her unable to find the time to do what she needed to do. she was on the edge of throwing caution to the wind, but recklessness was not in her nature. she could get high right now if she wanted, but there were so many reasons telling her that now was not a good time.

her eyes darted over to the suitcase in the corner of her bedroom. how easy it would be to take down the wards on the bag and spend the entire day, locked in her room feeling the artificial happiness course through her.

to hell with being careful.

she didn't care what riddle was doing in her living room. sure, she wasn't being a gracious host, but he was an uninvited guest. there was no reason for her to have to accommodate him. if he hadn't been so fucking intrusive, he could have been at malfoy's house right now, doing god-knows-what with his friends of seven years. instead, he was here, at the house of a woman who he'd known for three months, and was now just revealed to him to be an undercover agent.