antebellum [t. riddle]

xix.

november 1944

"i'm not addicted to cocaine," sicaria repeated this same phrase over and over, in her head and to anyone who asked. in truth, she wasn't an addict. at least, she didn't think she was, but addicts never did.

"then why do you use it?"

"because i hate how it makes me feel?" she said sarcastically before internally scolding herself. stop bitching, she's trying to help you.

healer miranda scribbled on her notepad without taking her eyes from sicaria's face. sicaria stared determinedly at the window in front of her. it had been two days since she entered the hospital wing, but she truly felt much better. the healer easily managed to fix the withdrawal effects and also the physical signs of the stress it had caused her. prefects had come by to give her the assignments she missed, but riddle and the rest of the knights didn't dare to show their faces. "so it's a self harm habit?"

"it's not a habit," she replied. "but i phrased that wrong. i like how it makes me feel, but i'm not used to it so it makes me uncomfortable. it's like i'm not in control of my actions, which i hate, but i like not having to make choices. the chemicals choose for me." i hate it, but i need what it gives me. 

scratch, scratch, scratch. "i see. and how would you describe this feeling of control?"

sicaria stole a quick glance at the notepad, but it was held at an angle she couldn't see. "organization, i suppose."

"and you've never tried anything else to achieve this feeling?"

sicaria snorted. "yeah, methylphenidate."

"adhd medication?" the healer asked. "and how did that make you feel?"

"terrible," she scowled at the memory. "it did the exact opposite of what i wanted it to do. made me feel too much like normal."

"what do you mean?"

"i do coke so i don't have to think. when i tried ritalin, it made me think too much."

"anything else that you've done to achieve that feeling?"

"i already told you. lsd, benzos, i guess alcohol but i drinking makes me slow-"

the healer made a small noise resembling a laugh. "i meant something that isn't a drug."

sicaria shrugged. "never really thought about it."

"so you think drugs are the only things that can help you achieve this feeling of losing control?" sicaria hated being questioned like this, but if the healer wanted to listen to all her issues, then who was she to deny her?

"i don't know. nothing else has worked. and also, it's not about losing control."

"then what is it about?"

"bad things happen when i don't control myself."

scratch, scratch. "to you or to others? why do you think that?"

and with that question, the dam broke. sicaria told her everything she could without compromising herself. it was a quick internal battle, but what bad could possibly come from telling a healer about her problems? worst case scenario is that the healer wanted to check on her every few weeks to ensure she hadn't killed herself. she fiddled with the ring on her hand before letting the words rush out, being unable to stop them. 

"when i was twelve, my parents got me a dog. it was one of the first that i loved, that could love me back. one day my mother came up to me and asked how much i loved the dog, and i told her that i loved it more than anything else in the world. they took the dog from me and they took turns casting curses on it and told me that when i learned to control myself and stopped crying, that the pain would stop. i attacked and cursed them, trying to get them to stop, but i was twelve so there was really nothing i could do. i finally stopped crying after a few hours, and they congratulated me before killing it, saying that it likely had brain damage by now. i wondered if they'd cry if i was being tortured. they gave me a shovel so i could go dig it's grave. they got me a cat a few weeks later, and i was smart enough not to get attached to it. i didn't give it a name. they were proud of me." she didn't mention that the curses she sent her parents were dark ones; ones that no twelve year old had any business knowing, or having enough hatred to be able to successfully cast them.