Call Me Hurt

Chapter 5: Hurt

Elliot had a lot more guts to stand up to Ellen than EJ did. While EJ swallowed any remark Ellen threw at her, Elliot wasn't afraid to bite back. He was a lot more comfortable in anger – sometimes too comfortable. I recall many screaming matches between the mother and son, and even though I couldn't feel anything Elliot felt, his harsh words never held any truth. It all stemmed from hurt.

I was only wandering in the background the day EJ and Elliot were supposed to move out. But Hope and Anxiety kept a close eye on her. Because while EJ was the most excited and hopeful she had been in a long time, the thought of leaving her mother behind – possibly never to hear from her again – terrified her. Would she be okay? Would she finally hold her many empty promises and change for her kids? Or would she completely shatter and never recover?

EJ and Elliot were dancing on the dining table to the music they had cranked all the way up. They held each other's hands, doing a goofy jig as they laughed for their nearby freedom.

"Hey," EJ panted, slowing down her dance. "Did you say your goodbye last night?"

Elliot's smile dropped an inch but strained to keep the hopeful feeling. "Don't worry about that."

EJ had said her goodbye to Ellen last night. Her and Elliot had made an agreement that they would say goodbye to Ellen without raising suspicion.
The way EJ did it was a simple night where they both watched TV and Ellen gave her a scalp massage. This was a rare night where EJ could see the mother she used to have. For once she hadn't begged EJ to stay and watch TV with her or re-dye her hair (hence Ellen's terrible regrowth) or talked about traumatic moments they had already relived hundreds of times. That night, they were just together, and that was all the goodbye she needed.

"You didn't say goodbye? Elliot, this is the last time we're going to see her!"

"I don't need to, okay? I'm tired of having the same conversations with her. It starts with her talking about Dad and what a bastard he is, I defend him, she says I'm just like him, and we end up screaming. If we don't talk about that, she blames me for the high water bills, or how shitty my friends are, or how my hair doesn't look right. It goes on! She doesn't deserve a goodbye from me. I'm better off without her, and she's better off without me."

"Yeah, but...what about the good times? We're saying goodbye to that too–"

"EJ..." Elliot buried his face in his hands, taking a few deep breaths before continuing. "I can't feel guilty anymore. I've felt guilty my whole life and I'm sick of it. You've said goodbye because you wanted to, but for me, saying goodbye will just make me feel worse. I can't do that anymore."

"You're right," EJ replied, guilt piercing through her like a javelin. "I'm sorry. I don't want to make you feel guilty again."

They spent the rest of the morning hauling their heavy luggage downstairs and getting re-excited about their new lives. Once it reached noon, EJ went to buy snacks for the trip. She wasn't gone for long – and not nearly long enough for Ellen to get home, she thought.

"Hey Elliot," EJ called as she opened the front door. "They ran out of barbecue chips, so I–"

When she stepped inside and saw her mother having a hearty sob on the couch, heat spread through her body. She stared at her mother, not knowing how to explain this without hurting her. But what alerted me was the fact that Elliot was nowhere in sight, and in an instant I was standing right next to EJ.

"Mum," EJ asked cautiously. "What happened?"

Ellen took a moment to compose herself and wipe the mascara painted down her cheeks.

"Your brother," she spluttered between restrained sobs. "He left. I came home and saw him with all these bags, and he said he was leaving. Can you believe that? After everything I've done for him, he calls me a narcissist and says I only care about myself! Well, I'm sorry that your father broke my heart and left me with the two of you! I tried my best to be a good mother. I work my ass off every day so that we have food on the table and a fucking toilet to shit in! I'll tell you something EJ, it has not been easy for me. There's been misery, and heartache, and ungodly exhaustion, and I try so hard to keep it together for you kids. But all Elliot wants to do is fight me!"