Call Me Hurt

Chapter 6 - Anger

Present Day

It was 1am and EJ had texted her last 'goodnight' to Rikki. It was the first time in so long that she had wanted to stay up talking to someone until the small hours of morning. She couldn't wait to wake up and keep talking and sending funny videos to Rikki.
Anxiety had mixed feelings about EJ trusting someone who was practically a stranger. But I was overjoyed for her. She had spent enough time in her own company, and despite being able to see us now, she still needed friends the world could see.

EJ turned off her phone and snuggled into her blanket, only now realising how tired she was. She was asleep in seconds, which sent the rest of us into a deep slumber.

However, we were all startled awake by the sound of EJ's bedroom door crashing open. EJ bolted upright, panicked and disoriented.
At the doorway stood Ellen, leaning against the doorframe with her hand knotted in her bleached hair. Even in the dark, we could tell she had been crying.

"I'm so sorry, baby. Did I wake you?" Ellen said, staggering over to EJ's bed.

"No..." EJ muttered as she sat up next to Ellen.

Seconds later, Ellen began sobbing and leant her head on EJ's shoulder. She could smell the alcohol radiating off her skin. EJ was more tired than ever now. She didn't feel in any mood to listen to Ellen's many woes again. But she knew if she told Ellen, she would end up feeling like the bad guy.
So, despite the panic rattling in her chest, she prepared for a triggering conversation.

"I'm so sorry, baby." Ellen repeated, her tears soaking EJ's baggy shirt. "It wasn't your fault you came home late yesterday. It's just that every time you leave the house, I get so scared that you won't come back. It just makes me feel better when I know where you are, so all I want is a little text. Can you do that for me?"

I scoffed and hung my head back in disbelief. "So, you're apologising for making your daughter feel terrible just so you can say more awful things? Do you seriously not hear yourself?"

"Of course she can," Hurt replied, crossing her arms and leaning against the door. "That's the point. She doesn't hear anybody but herself."

"Elle, are you listening to me?" Ellen snapped, sending another shock of anxiety through her body.

"Yes, I am. I'll text you next time, I promise." EJ said hurriedly.

"Why don't you listen?" Ellen sobbed, wrapping her arms around EJ's waist and laying down on the bed, keeping EJ's arms pinned to her sides. "No one listens. Your father never listened, your brother never listened; they always just screamed. They didn't care that I was hurting. That's why they left. Everyone leaves. You're going to leave me too. I know you will."

EJ couldn't breathe. Her mother's grip felt so tight, it was as though shackles had tangled around her body.

"I-I won't, Mum." She choked, trying to talk over the ringing in her ears.

"Say you love me," Ellen begged, tightening her grip around her daughter.

"I love you, Mum."

EJ felt so heavy, she could have sworn she was sinking into the bed.

"Say it again,"

"I love you, Mum."

Her mother pressed her entire weight into her.

"Again,"

"I love you, Mum."

The blankets swallowed her legs.

"Again,"

"I love you, Mum."

EJ's face was barely visible in this ocean of blankets and her mother's grief.

"Again,"

"I love you, Mum."

EJ looked at me and reached out a hand, desperate for me to save her. I clutched her hand and pulled with all my might. She slowly began to resurface from the mattress.

"Again," Ellen mumbled, close to falling asleep.

Still holding my hand, EJ opened her mouth and silently screamed.

In that moment. I wished the whole world could hear her screams. I wished they would shatter windows and trigger avalanches. I wanted someone to hear her cries for help.

"She said it the last hundred fucking times, Ellen!" I bellowed in the mother's tear-stained face. "What does it take to satisfy you, you manipulative bitch?!"

EJ took one deep breath, struggling to keep her voice as levelled as possible. "I love you, Mum."

Finally, Ellen was asleep. But EJ still felt as though she was being buried. She stayed still for what felt like hours, keeping her hand locked in mine so she wouldn't drown again. Then, when she was certain Ellen wouldn't wake up, she untangled herself from her mother's grasp and sauntered downstairs to the second bathroom.

As soon as the door was closed, she keeled over, gasping for air she couldn't reach.

I knelt in front of her. "I've got you, okay? Just take some deep breaths–"

"I can't!" she cried out.

She rummaged through drawer after drawer, until she took out a sheet of oxycodone and dropped two pills into her hand.

She lifted the pills to her mouth, but then her eyes met mine.

EJ tangled her fingers in her hair, her breathing shaky and uneven. "I have to, okay? I can't keep feeling like this! I can't do it! I need something to make it stop! If I don't. I..." she trailed off.

Then, after taking a few breaths, she dropped the pills into her mouth. She gripped the sink until her knuckles turned white. She didn't look at me, or Hurt, for a long time.

I wanted to help her, but I couldn't begin to think of what to say to make her feel better.

Finally, she turned to us, her face wet and blotchy.

"I know I should have said something," she whimpered. "And I know I shouldn't have taken the pills! But I'm not strong enough, okay? I'm not strong enough to say 'no' to her, I'm not strong enough to deal with this without drugs, I'm just not fucking strong enough, okay? So, you can tell me all you want about how better things will get one day, and what steps I can take to get there. But the truth is, I am fucking weak!"

She fell to the floor, silently sobbing into her knees.

Hurt and I knelt in front of her.

"You're not weak, sweetie." Hurt said, slowly lifting EJ's chin. "You're angry."