You would think that being someone's emotion meant that you knew everything about a person, outside and in. But, for the first time, I could make no sense of the hurricane inside EJ's head. I could hear many different words saying many different things, but I couldn't understand any of it. I didn't know if she was anxious, depressed, angry, distraught, or anything at all. Her brain was a blinding white cloud with a tangle of words lost in the mist.
I hoped it was because of all the medication she was on, but when she was awake and the nurses asked her to rate her pain, she would immediately press the button to administer sedatives and painkillers and fall asleep in seconds without responding. She wouldn't allow herself to stay awake for more than a couple of minutes before pressing the button.
Rikki came to visit a few days in, and I thought that they would be able to pull her out of the state she was in, but the cloud inside her head didn't clear up at all.
"I've got some things for you." Rikki said, rummaging through their shoulder bag and pulling out an envelope and a gift folded in crape paper. "I think this is your response from Molto Bene Culinary Academy, and I have finally finished making your suncatcher. I noticed how you like writing in all the colours, so I made you a rainbow one. It took a while, but I just couldn't wait to see your face. How are you feeling? Have you heard anything about your mum?"
EJ's expression was blank as if she was staring at a brick wall, and just like every time she found herself awake, she pressed the button again, and she was unconscious in seconds.
The rest of us didn't know how to help her. Anger continued to blame Hurt for making her jump out of the car, Despair turned to Hope for comfort, and I was trying to think of a way to get EJ to feel anything but this emptiness. I tried keeping her up to date on how the nurses said her recovery was going, but she would press the button as soon as I would come into the room.
She didn't even stay awake to give her statement to the police, or when Rose came to visit. The nurses told her about her catatonic state and asked if she could convince EJ to start talking again.
When EJ saw Rose, she immediately went for the button, but Rose gently took it from her hand.
"I just need you to answer me one thing, and then I'll give this back to you." Rose said calmly. "EJ, what are you feeling?"
I didn't think EJ was going to answer at all, but she opened her mouth enough to say "Nothing. There's nothing left to feel." Then she snatched her button back and pressed it once more.
This was even worse than the bus stop. Pain at least gave her a purpose. But this vast nothingness gave her no perseverance.
Anger
This was what I was afraid death would be like.
Despair
Why wasn't she speaking?
Hope
I didn't want to disappear.
Hurt
Was it really my fault? Did I do this to her?
Happy
Where is everybody?
YOU ARE READING
Call Me Hurt
General FictionEllen "EJ " Burkitt has only known abandonment and hurt her whole life. Her father left when she was young, and her brother has ghosted her, leaving her with a job that barely pays rent, and taking care of her abusive mother. EJ doesn't want to live...
