Black Plague

Chapter 33

I ended up kissing him goodbye and erasing his memory. Though I was sure he would know. He would have a few hour gap in his life and he missed classes. I could have given him new memories, but I didn't bother. A part of me wanted him to know. Maybe it was because I was a little angry at Voldemort. I know he said he wouldn't be celibate, but knowing it could happen and seeing it happen were two entirely different things. I was still completely heart broken. We were standing in rows outside waiting for the other schools to arrive. Draco came behind me and wrapped an arm around me. I leaned back for comfort. "What's wrong Hades?" I sighed, "Voldemort had his first affair the other day. I thought killing the bitch would make it better. But it doesn't change anything. I still feel so entirely broken and hurt. It's one thing to know he would have affairs while we wait for me to become old enough to have a relationship. And it's another thing to actually watch it happen." I felt a tear fall to my cheek. "Is that why I have a gap in my memory on Monday?" I nodded. He sighed. "Why didn't you make sure I didn't know? I know you could have." I shrugged. "Wait! You wanted me to know." I just shrugged again. He groaned. "Well it sucks that I don't remember. But appreciate you letting me know it happened. Honestly, just knowing I was able to hold you in my arms makes me feel a little better.... Was I your first?" I nodded. He held me tighter and kiss my head again. "You were my first too. Thank you for giving me that privilege. Even if I can't remember it, you do. And that will have to be enough for me." I nodded. I was glad he was my first. If it was going to be anyone besides Voldemort, I would want it to be Draco. Fuck all my rules.
I throat was thick and I couldn't talk. If I did, I knew I would break down. He turned me around and I began to cry again. That tenderness was just too much right now. And it stripped me of my defenses. "Fuck" I choked out, as the tears began flowing freely down my face. He held me tight and rocked us back and forth. "Hades, it will be okay. I promise. He will be all yours in no time."  But that didn't make me feel any better. I just cried harder. My body racked with sobs. "Come on, let's get you away from all these people. They don't need to see you like this." I nodded and he pulled me into his room again. He sat down and I climbed into his arms. "Clearly fucking you didn't help anything." I shook my head. I had honestly thought it would fix everything. But nothing could fix this brokenness but Voldemort. I needed him to love me. Show me he still cherished me. Touch me. I needed him to be one with me. If he could unite with a complete stranger. Why couldn't he join bodies with the one he loved? I got the legal shit. But I just couldn't understand why he cared about the law. He was above the law. He was the law. So why was he even adhering to it when we knew we were destined  to be together? Our souls were one. I just couldn't grasp his thought process. None of it made any sense. I wanted him and only him. Why would he even want another? Yes it felt good. But this pain wasn't worth it. Why would he willingly hurt me so badly? Was he trying to prove something to me? No. He was just horny and she was there. I could feel it through the connection. It meant nothing to him. And the effect it had on me meant nothing to him either. And that made me angry. I started resenting him at that moment. Well, it might have already been there. But Now I was aware of it. And I felt it clear as day. I didn't hate him. But I was bitter. How dare he hurt me like this! He said he loved me!!! A small voice reminded me he also said he wouldn't be faithful to me and I was allowed the same, but right now I didn't care. Why did it seem everyone I allowed to get close to me betrayed my trust. Everyone close to me seemed to hurt me. If this was love, I didn't need it. Fuck love. Fuck Voldemort. Fuck everyone.
Draco noticed I stopped crying but then saw my face and knew that was a bad thing. "Hades. Hey, hey! It's going to be okay. Love hurts sometimes. Fuck, I love you more than anything, and I know it will end in heartache. At least your love story will end with you happy." I sighed. I knew he was right. But right now it didn't change the fact I was furious with Voldemort. It didn't make my heart ache any less. That knowledge didn't change what was happening right now. It didn't take my pain away. I had a hole in my heart where Voldemort had ripped me wide open. It felt like it was bleeding so bad I would never live through this. I felt like I was going to die. The pain was too much. And he did this too me. Knowing I would see it. And not thinking once of me. The whole time he only thought of that woman. And I would know. She might be dead, but the damage had been done. I was but an after thought of his. Nothing more. He clearly never loved me like I loved him. Because I would have never fucked anyone had he waited for me. I had been willing to wait my whole life for him. I had wanted him to be my first everything. I had wanted to give myself to him. All of myself saved just for him to enjoy. Not only did he demand I sully myself before laying with him. He did the same. Even when I made it clear I was not okay with it. If he loved me, he would have waited. I know that for sure now.
I have Draco an kiss on the mouth and stood. "I'm going back to my room. Thank you for trying to make me feel better. But nothing will fix this." I kissed him one more time and left.

I climbed in bed and just stared at the ceiling. Running everything over in my head. I didn't bother leaving my room again until well after curfew. I pulled my invisibility cloak on and walked around the school until I found the flaming giblet. I levitated a piece of paper with my name and school on it and dropped it into the cup. Then I quietly walked away. Ya. That was way too easy. I should have realized the best way to enter instantly. But I kept trying to make the problem more complicated than it was.
I shook my head at my stupidity and went back to my room.

I next day I dragged myself out of bed and went to breakfast. I didn't bother with showering. Or looking nice. I threw my hair in a bun on the top of my head. And slipped some black sweatpants that hung low on my hips and a tight black shirt. I slipped on my school robe and drag myself to breakfast. I looked like shit but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I was sure Voldemort had hurt me more than anything I had ever felt before. I had almost lost my sight. My body had broken all over, as I shift into an animal. And yet. Having my heart ripped out and stomped on, hurt more than all of that combined. It was compounded by betrayal and the pain didn't just go away. I wanted to scream in anger and despair. And simultaneously crawl in a corner and fall completely apart again.
Snape looked concerned at me but I just ignored it. I couldn't talk about it. It was too fresh still and I would end up breaking down yet again.
As I got up and began to leave, after pushing my food around my plate for a reasonable amount of time. Snape grabbed my arm and dragged me to his office. I reluctantly followed. Not even bothering to fight back. It was too much effort. Everything seemed difficult. Just opening my eyes and climbing out of bed seemed like too much work.
He pushed me into a chair and sat in the chair next to me.
"Hadrian, what happened? I've noticed you have been upset all week. And you're just getting worse." His deep voice was soothing, and He was almost like my father, but I didn't even know how to start talking about it. So, I shrugged.
"Come on Hadrian talk to me. Is this about the tournament?" I shook my head.
"The dark lord" I nodded and tears began slipping down my cheeks again.
"Hadrian, what happened." He asked gently.
I understood his confusion I had been fine Sunday evening, when we came back to school. So it had to have happened while I was here. I didn't even know if he knew about out connection. I sighed heavy and tried to make sense of all the emotions and turmoil.
"Well first. The dark lord and I share some of his soul. When he was vanquished some of his soul split and entered through the scar. So like you said we're kind of soul mates. I guess you knew that. But what you probably didn't know is I can see and hear what he's doing all the time. I always feel his emotions in the background. And when then are strong emotions they almost overwhelm me. So it was only expected that I would end up falling in love with him, and him fall in love with me, I know he loves me because I can feel it. But I'm under the age of consent. So he refused to be with me. Even if we are meant to be together. He told me to find lovers and explore my sexuality over the next couple years. But I couldn't do it. I only want him. I demanded he not be with anyone. But he told me he refuses to be celibate. So, I told him fine but I would murder everyone he fucked." I knew I was sobbing again but kept going. "But killing them doesn't make the pain go away. Getting fucked doesn't make the betrayal hurt any less. Nothing makes it better. I feel like my heart has been ripped open and been stomped on. I think I might die from this pain. I feel like my soul has been shredded to pieces inside me. And I can't make my heart hurt less, no matter what I do. I knew it would hurt to watch him fuck someone else. But never did I think it would hurt like this."  I pulled my legs up and hugged my knees as I feel apart before him.
Snape reached over and rubbed my back as I cried. He wasn't nurturing so even the effect was nice. I climbed into his lap, just like my deepest desires and clung to him. He cautiously wrapped his arms around me and held me. This might have been the happiest moment in my life, if it weren't for the stabbing pain in my chest.