Lost Voice

Little Voice

[][ Im writing this while at a party. My mom forced me to go... I don't want to be here and I probably stick out like a sore thumb in overalls compared to the slutty girls here...][]

I've been awake for about an hour now, I can't move because of the grip around my waist and chest. His lips are still pressed against my neck that now feels tender.
I have to get out of here, I have to leave this apartment complex and move the hell out of here. Why won't Xacier let go of my heart? Why is he holding onto it so damn tightly? I'm a wreck. I'm a total and complete wreck. How could I let myself fall so easily? Why was I stupid enough to think he'd love me back? Why am I asking so many fucking questions, that I don't have the answer to, so early in the morning...?
Tears roll down my cheeks and onto the fabric of Xacier's bed.
"Let me go..?" I sob softly, I don't even try to struggle. I love his arms around me, they make me feel safe and terrified. I love his warmth of his body pressing against mine, it's so comforting and disgusting. I love feeling his breath against my neck, it makes me so calm and chaotic.
My brain is a jumbled mess, I can't tell between right and wrong. I'm confused and scared.
Of what?
I sniffle softly, I'm not scared of Xacier and he isn't all that confusing so, what am I afraid off?
You're afraid of yourself.
I let out a sad chuckle, why am I afraid of my self?
Because you can't trust yourself. You're being a selfish little boy.
I nuzzle into the bed, I don't want to listen to that little voice in my head because I know it's right. I feel Xacier stir slightly in his sleep, his arms pulling my close so there was no space between our bodies.
Just stop being selfish and let yourself be taken.
I grip on to the sheets until my knuckles turn white. Shut up, shut up, shut up!
I will if you do as I say.
I grit my teeth, as if I was going to listen to that damn little voice that almost drove me over the edge nearly four years ago. I was hanging by a string back then because of this damn little voice.
Fingers glide through my hair, a nose buried into my head while the grip around my waist loosened.
"Xacier...?" I turn my head back to look into his eyes, his stare was deathly, it was a warning me to not leave.

He moved away from me and walks out of the bedroom before locking the door again, leaving me with that annoying little voice in my head.
Try to escape.
I growl internally, I'm not going to try to escape when he just practically told me not to.
Break the doorknob and get out of this room.
I grab a pillow and place it over my head, trying to block out that damn little voice.
Do it, now.
I grumble, throwing the pillow across the room. I give up. I jiggle the knob slightly before putting all my weight on the handle, hearing a bolt or two snap. The door opens. Well, thank god this door had a handle or else I'd never escape.
Find Xacier.
Okay, now it just wants me to commit suicide.
Find him before he finds you!
My head is now pounding as I stumble through the apartment, looking around for Xacier.
Change of plans. Run.
Wait, what?
Run.
I turn around cautiously to see what I'm running from- which was nothing. I'm so confused, so damn confused. I jog slightly to the front door, pushing against it and turned the knob. It opened. Holy crap, I finally opened his front door!
Get out of there!
I catch Xacier in the corner of my eye, I turn around to face him with the biggest smile on my face.
"I finally opened the front door!" I exclaimed, forgetting the possible danger that that little voice was telling of. I didn't notice the darkness in Xacier's eyes and how angry and exhausted he was.
I forgot everything and let my defenses go down.
I close the front door, before opening it again then closing and opening it- feeling so accomplished that I can open and close a door.
I turn back to look at Xacier, but he was standing right behind me; a uneasy feeling finally came over me, I finally noticed everything and my hand was placed on the doorknob so I can open it and escape if I needed too.
I froze as Xacier started to move, I wasn't sure what he was doing but he touched his throat then touched mine before burying his face in my neck. I let go of the door knob, sliding down the wall, taking Xacier with me. He then just cuddled with me.
A laugh escaped my lips which was followed by more. I started to laugh hysterically as Xacier stared up at me with confusion.
This- this is what the the little voice was trying to warn me of. It was trying to warn me of the oh so deadly cuddles. Xacier picked me up, walking back to the bedroom where he placed me on his bed once more. He grabbed my jaw, forcing me to stare at him (not really because I already was staring at him) before captivating my lips with his own. My heart bursts in happiness and I'm also terrified but everything just feels so right and my feelings for Xacier becomes much more stronger.
I wonder when I could actually be able to tell Xacier that I love him. I wonder, I really do.