A Court of Shift and shadow

LV

Katies POV:

Three weeks had passed. Lisus' wings had been able to heal. Thanks to the skilled healers. Thank the Cauldron no one else had been hurt. And refugees from Hybern came into the courts. Asking for a home, most of them were women that had lost their husbands and children, Caspan had taken in most of them, the almost empty Spring Court gave them all a place to heal and grow. I had talked to my mother about all that had happened, I had told her about my loss, and the worries around it. We had cried together, and now the long way back to secure land started. To move from this sea of feelings and memories, to a safe place.

The morning sun made Velaris light up in gold and red. The last of the mourning flags had been taken down and the small summer solstice fest was over. I stood on the cliff looking out over the city. It has become my favourite spot over the years. The summer winds moved my hair, and the seagulls screams was all that was heard. All that was needed to be heard. I had left the bed before the sun had started to rise, leaving Galad to sleep and wake up alone.

His touch was the only one I could stand right now, his hands over my arms and face. His body pressed against my back. Every time Caspan or my mother gave me a hug I froze, for a moment I was back in the tower. I had tried to share the details with Galad, but to even say the words made me shake and feel trapped. But he knew, I was certain that he knew. For he asked every time if he could hold me. I had not been able to open up the bond again, too scared of handling that feeling while still not having both feet on the ground. No sex, I wasn't ready for that either, and he never questioned it. He was my life line in this, the thing that kept me over the water's surface.

Don't bend to power, it will break you, the Suriel had said, it had forgotten the part of powers slowly wears one down over time. I just wanted to bend, to give in for one moment. To not feel this desperate need to just stay afloat. I just wanted to disappear under the surface, just for a moment. Not forever... I sat down, wrapping my arms around my knees. The sun climbed higher, the red light changing to yellow and then the normal daylight. From the city a silhouette took to the skies. I looked as Galad came flying, landing at my side.

"Tough night?" He asked, sitting down at my side.

"No, I just can't fall asleep again if I wake up." I said, leaning my head against him. I felt how he moved his arm, hesitating "It is okay." It landed over my shoulders.

"There was a time when you would have said that you just wanted to see the sun rise." He said. "Nightmares?"

"No... Just..." I started. "I can fall asleep, but once I am awake, the memories take over." Galad pulled me closer. "Or the lack of memories"

"Do you think it helped?" He asked. "Not seeing or hearing anything?"

"I can't go completely blind, it was just shadows. And I heard some things. But it helps that my dreams just are the feeling of knowing that it happened. And not the vivid memories..." I let out a sigh. "I think the thing that hunts me the most is that I don't know if he is alive or dead."

"Rescuers looked for days in the ruins, but his body was not found. And with my powers... There might not be any body to find." I heard the guilt in his voice.

"And maybe that is good..." I said. The pack of Seagulls landed in the water, their screams rising and falling.

"I need to ask, do you want to come back to being a Spy?" He asked after a moment of silence.

"One day, I want to scare the shit out of the Steward some more times." I said. "I am still a bit jealous that you broke his knees without me." A small smile landed on my lips. "But I can't go back to being a spy, not now, not today."