failing at life BTS

Childish Love

I am a hopeless romantic, I guess, and ever since I was a kid I've just been obsessed with this thing called "love". I don't even think I understood it, still don't, yet it was something I really wanted to have. I don't know if it was the lack of love I felt in my family or just that I felt lonely, not that I was all by myself, as in this feeling of having no one be there for you, no one to count on for something. 

I've had this feeling my whole life, the feeling of being unsafe, having no one to talk to. I mean, you can have all the friends in the world, but still feel alone. My friends know a lot about me, it seems like I'm an open person, happy and positive....but I don't know....I just- no matter how many people I talk to or how much people think they "get" me and are willing to be friends with me, I've always felt lonely. Maybe it's that I don't want to open up because if someone asks how I really feel it's hard for me to say or explain. Sometimes it's like I don't want people to know, it's like I want to feel bad. 

I just want someone to be there for me, to know me and understand me without me having to explain myself. Someone to know that I am extremely insecure about my body even though I tell people I don't care, I try to say it until I believe it...but then once I'm by myself again all these bad thoughts come back to me and I feel horrible. Many nights I cry and talk to myself because it feels like I'm the only person in the world I'm not afraid to completely open up to. I don't want to be my own bestfriend. It sucks. I hold everything in, all my feelings and actual thoughts, and maybe that's why I've gained weight so quickly over these past few years. All this extra weight on m shoulders is holding me down from what I really want to be, happy. 

Someone to know my guilty pleasures, which are veryyyy embarrassing. Someone to join me when I'm doing something stupid. Someone to hold me when I sleep. Someone that will make me work and not be lazy all the time. Someone that I can love, who will love me back equally as much, maybe even more.

I feel like if I had someone, besides myself, to talk to I would be better. I know it might not turn out that way, but I hope and hope and hope...all I do is hope. I don't put anything into action even though I think about it all the time. I have friends, I have family, but I don't have a real bestfriend or someone who would be there for me no matter what. I am my own bestfriend, the only person I am completely comfortable with and I wish it wasn't that way. I wish I wasn't that way.

Ever since I was a little kid, my family's had problems. Whether it was my dad never coming home, or my parents fighting all the time, like really fighting...plate throwing and all, or finding out I have a big sister when I was four years old. We moved around a lot and I was never able to have a real connection with anyone, I've been alone my whole life basically... 

I know this might sound stupid and I'm not trying to say it isn't. I just want people to know that if you ever feel this way, I'm here. People may not always see me as supportive or caring, most of the time people think I'm mean and aggressive, but they don't see my reasons for acting that way. I'm that way partially because I can never think straight when I'm around other people, I feel like a completely different person. Partially because I don't want to get hurt, so I hurt other people, not physically oh my gosh no, and I don't want to or do it intentionally most of the time. I'm just that way and if someone actually knew me really well, you'd see that I'm not like that. I promise you, if any of you need to talk or just simply feel bored and want company, I am here for you. 

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Okay, I think that's enough sappy stuff for now...MOVING ON TO THE GOOD STUFF. Or just other stuff that will probably, most likely, embarrass me so much I have to move to China where they ban these kinds of websites and I won't be able to see this anymore...Anyways, here we go!

When I was in the first grade, as I said earlier, I was already falling madly in love with boys...started earlier than that but ehh doesn't matter. Woah, I'm kinda like Lane Kim...AWESOMEE. There was this really nice guy with glasses in my class, Tommy, and me and this girl, Chris, liked him. I think I only started to like him because Chris did. So me and Chris would like follow him around all day, which is kinda creepy now that I think of it, and ask him questions and stuff. In the end, we asked him who he liked more and he wouldn't give us an answer, probably because we made him shit his pants cause we were so fricking creepy and he didn't like either of us. First grade love....so innocently stalker-ish-ly "cute".

SECOND GRADE~~~ There was this boy, Kevin, he was really cute and was really good at table football or whatever you call it. Which was extremely impressive back then and made all the girls in our class swoon for him. I liked him and surprisingly he liked me back, so we became girlfirend-boyfriend. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...OH MY, SO STUPID BACK THEN. He did the cutest thing in PE class, we were learning line dancing, I think?, and we got to pick our own partners. He asked me and I, being the stupidest girl alive, said NO. What the hell was I thinking?! In the end, I got stuck with Austin, my best guy friend in the class, which wasn't so bad, but still.."I'm extremely disappointed in you, young lady.." Me to seven year old me. I felt so bad about it afterwards and ended up starting a diary just so I could write about it. And me with my commitment issues to diaries and all, only wrote in the notebook that one time....and maybe this other time that I don't really remember.. Kevin approached me the next day and told me that he was really upset the whole class and really wanted to dance with me and that if I would during recess. I said yes. Thank god. We ended up hanging out for half of the recess time, but then he got up and said he wanted to go play with his friends, and I was okay with that and went off to do my own thing. I was about to go down the slide when I saw Kevin and Kirstey, this girl I really didn't like for no reason at all, holding hands on the field. HOLDING FUCKING HANDS, YOU DON'T EVEN GO THAT FAR WITH YOUR GF IN SECOND GRADE. I got really mad, and probably jealous, and stomped over to where they were, which was right next to my favorite tree (way to ruin things for me, bud) and broke up with Kevin. Our relationship lasted a total of about 4 days...not bad, not bad at all...A few weeks later, I got my friend, who I don't remember, to go and ask Kevin if he still liked me and if he wanted to get back together. She asked him really loudly and infront of the entire class -FACE PALM- AND HE SAID NO. sob sob the sound of seven year old me crying in a corner, embarrassed and heartbroken....sad...so so sad.

My next extremely stupid relationship was four years later in sixth grade. I don't wanna talk about this one, but I had to mention it.

Of course none of these I consider real relationships, but they're there and I live in the past, not as in the actual past but as in I think about my past too much, so I thought I might share a couple of them. I don't think I ever really liked any of these people, at least not in the way I should like someone. There was this one boy though, one I won't ever forget, hopefully, and he means too much for me to share this with y'all, I'm sorry..I just it's hard for me to talk about him and I don't think I'd be able to write out the truth because I don't want to admit it, I don't want it to be real...I'm still in denial, even after five years. But I can give you one thing, you probably won't understand it, but it means a lot...

Scooby Doo

Maybe one day, after I finally let go, I'll write about it, but for now, Scooby Doo's all ya get.

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Well this was really long and kinda sad, but I felt really upset this morning so I just needed to get it out of my system. I promise the next time I write it'll be a happy one :) Gotta go listen to the song that always cheers me up now, I'll add the vid ;)

-nicholeisabelle