failing at life BTS

Bad Writing Habits

It's like every time I start writing again, I update like 5 times. I don't know if I'm on roll or something or if I'm just a really lazy person and likes to update a lot at once, so I don't have to do it later....I don't want to be the latter, but I feel like I am. I wish I could update daily or something and I think I'll try that, starting from tomorrow, but it's really hard 'cause I got a lot on my plate right now. The mental plate and the physical plate. Or more like I wish I had a lot on my physical plate, I'm hungry. But yeah, I'm gonna try this "update daily" thing, even though I feel like it won't last just like my old, failed diaries.

I remember this one time I tried to do the whole diary thing back in second grade...I think second grade might have been my most interesting year...Anyway, it was PE class and we had to partner up with someone to do something, I definitely don't remember what, and I did possibly the stupidest thing ever. I'm not sure if I've talked about this before, but eh you can hear it again, there was this guy that I liked back then and he asked me if I wanted to be his partner. I have no idea what seven year old me was thinking, but I declined. And then I got stuck with one of my best guy friends, Austin, he wasn't that bad and I'm glad I didn't accept that dude's offer 'cause then I wouldn't have this awesome story. (it's actually not that great)

I went home that day feeling like an idiot and I didn't know who to talk to it about. I've never been able to open up to my parents or people really close to me, sometimes I can but only when I'm caught up in the moment and being irrational. So, I dug around my room for a random notebook and came across a typical young girl's diary. It was pink with feathers on the side and a little glittery lock, ugh it sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it now. And then, I started to write....for like twenty seconds. There was literally one sentence in the notebook. It was something along the lines of, "I'm so stupid and because of that, I'm gonna write in this everyday." Which most definitely, did not happen.

I've tried probably more than 10 times to keep a diary and I think the closest I've ever gotten to keeping one is this. And if this doesn't count, then that one really lame blue notebook I had in, I think, sixth grade.

Now let's talk about that.

I kept that notebook/diary for maybe a week. It all started out when I got jealous of my best friend at the time 'cause my mom was treating her so much better than she was treating me. I know now that that's not true, but back then, I was really, really angry at her. I was so mad I even complained to my dad! And I hate talking to my dad about stuff! He's always giving some smart ass reply, it gets on my nerves so much. The same night that I told my dad what was going on, I went home and got out the first notebook I could find. Which turned out to be, like I said earlier, SUPER LAME. I quickly sat down at my desk and scribbled down everything. The scribbling of my anger went on until I confronted my mother. And even then, it seemed like she didn't care. Now that I think of it, it was so childish. But here I am, writing out everything for the world to see and being okay with it. I've come a long way and I'm proud. And I'm proud of my mom too, she's gotten a lot better than the way she was before and that's in all aspects. I don't know if I can say the same about my dad, but that's not really what this is about so maybe I'll talk about it some other time.

In general, I just wanted to say I'm bad at being consistent at something. It's just the way I am. I start something and never finish it. Hopefully, this turns out differently. I need to cheer up ugh I say ugh too much. I need a new phrase.

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-nicholeisaelle