Wouldn't Dream Of It

Chapter 30

Something was off. It wasn't the checked shirt Jason was wearing or the depressing music that was playing in his room. No, it was the almost blank looks Jason gave him every time their eyes met. It wasn't the 'What are you doing here" kind of the look but the 'What am I even doing anymore' look. One that Charlie was all too familiar with, one that he saw when looked at the mirror every time he slipped.

That's what he called it, 'A slip'. It's when the darkness is too much, too overwhelming for him to comprehend, he slips, breaks. Physically he's there but emotionally, he's lost.

That's how Jason looked. Tired of everything.

From what Charlie knew, Jason hadn't slept a wink the previous night, he just stroked Charlie's hair, deep in thought. It was unsettling to see him like that making him wonder how emotionally repressed he was to just shatter in one day. A part of him was scared Jason would move away from his touch when he reached over to stroke his face, but Jason just leaned into his touch, sighing. Charlie exhaled a relieved breath, "You feeling okay?"

"It doesn't hurt anymore", Jason replied, like he was surprised by the fact, "I miss him, but it doesn't hurt anymore"

"He was your dad, Jase, of course you miss him"

Jason seemed to examine him for a long time, "I'm scared", he admitted, closing his eyes, "I'm scared that I won't think about him anymore, I'm scared I'll- I'll forget him", he sniffed, "I don't want to"

Charlie's heart clenched in his chest when he heard the fear and desperation in Jason's voice, "You're not gonna forget him, baby, and it's okay to move on, you deserve to live without the guilt"

Jason sagged against him, his head resting against Charlie's stomach, "Yeah maybe it is"

Jason then raised his head, nodding frantically, "I'm ready, lemme just talk to my mom first"

"Take your time"

Charlie leaned against the wall, waiting as Jason wrapped his arms around his mom. It was almost a comical sight, Jason's muscular body in contrast to Mrs. Pierce's tiny frame. He seemed to whisper some words to her before kissing her on the cheek and walking out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"I'm ready"

It was a cold evening, the wind making him shiver and wrap his coat tighter around him. He was pretty sure the tip of his nose and ears were bright red. The graveyard was almost deserted minus the few people who were visiting the graves, paying their respects. Charlie wondered how many of them were still in pain, hurting too much to move on.

Jason suddenly stopped in front of a grave. Charlie saw the breath leave him in a whoosh as he graced his finger tips over the initials printed on the grave.

"Hey dad", Jason's voice was controlled for someone who was half-shaking, "Four years huh? That's quite a lot of time if you ask me", he let out a dry laugh, "It's hard, moving on his hard and I know you would want me to but I'm trying", he exhaled, "Dad I met someone, it's...it's a guy, a man...."

Charlie didn't listen to the rest of what he said, he moved farther away so that he could see Jason but not hear his words. He felt like he was intruding on something private, something precious.

He thought about all the times he'd called Jason a prick for caring about nobody but himself but looking at him now, Charlie understood. Jason cared too much for everybody but him, it was his way of coping, it was his way of making sure that everyone was alright, making up for the absence of his father. That was too much burden to be put on a person's shoulder.

A sudden sob broke him out of his thought and he immediately moved forward, reaching for Jason, wrapping him up in his arms as he cried into Charlie's neck. There were no tears, it was the dry sobs of someone who had gone so long being the brave one, the one who never showed his emotions no matter how much he was hurting on the inside.

They slid down to their knees and something in Charlie shattered at the sight of the man he loved on his knees and in pain. The broken sounds that came out of Jason's mouth slowly subdued as he leaned into Charlie, his hands gripping onto his jacket, tightly.

He didn't know how long they stayed there, it could've been minutes or hours, just basking in the quite comfort of each other. Jason didn't look at him as he got to his feet, and holding him as Charlie's knees wobbled.

Jason placed a quick kiss to Charlie's cheek, just a whisper of a touch. "Thank you"

"I'll drop you off at home"

Charlie backed up, confused, "What about you?"

Jason looked away, "I need to think, I need to be alone", he tapped his head, "Everything's a mess up here and I need to sort it out but I'll come back to you, I always do"

Charlie understood, he did which is why he nodded, "Alright, but don't even think about dipping on me"

Jason's quiet laughed warmed his soul, "I would never"

He stood, watching as Jason's car drove away. Charlie had asked him to drop him at Liam's place because he needed to think. One thing he realized while in the graveyard was that it wasn't just fucking. At least for him, it was feelings, they were indescribable but they were there.

He plopped down on his best friend's couch as Liam brought him some soda. One look at Charlie's face and Liam had known there was something wrong.

"You wanna tell me why you look like someone ran over your puppy?"

Charlie huffed, "I think I'm in love"

Liam straightened in his seat, looking at Charlie with a look of pure shock, "Love?"

"That's the word apparently"

"With WHOM?"

"Alright calm down hot shot, I'm panicking here, you're supposed to be the rational one", he wiggled his fingers in front of Liam's face.

Liam grunted in disbelief, "Not when you show up at 9pm and tell me you're in love"

"Pfft, wait till you hear, who I'm in love with", Charlie was pretty sure he had lost it as he snickered.

"Don't tell me it's-"

"Pierce! You got it"

Liam slumped back against his chair, "fuck"

"We did that too"

"Charlie!"

"Oops"

Liam suddenly laughed, "Shit, this is really happening huh"

"I love him", Charlie said, his eyes widening at his own admission, "I'm in love with Jason Pierce and I'm terrified"