Collection of my Thoughts

4. Thoughts about myself

Well to start off, I would like to say that Charlotte is not my name. My name is a pure Tamil name and this name.... well, I borrowed it from my bestie.

Now with serious concentration let's begin this chapter. Since when I was a child, I was made to believe that if I get higher grades, I could get more friends. Because the people around me made me believe that having a dark skin means I could not make friends easily (for reference: my skin shade WAS Loreal Paris true match 10n shade. Now I don't how but it is makeup revolution conceal and define f14 shade. I swear I don't use and fairness creams or any treatments). That there are "rules" for a girl to follow. Children are meant to act a certain way. To speak a certain way. To adjust to whatever my grandparents say. To never talk back (even though that's how a conversation works). We must do whatever it takes for others to like us.

Now that I think about these things that I used to do years ago, I cringe a lot *awkward emoji*. Let's go point wise

*Higher grades for more friends* - this one is literally a scam. I cringe at those memories when I try harder to study rather than socialise with people in my school. After my 10th grade I just stopped caring about my grades, because those are not gonna judge my future (I did not want to become a doctor or something that did with mugging answers and just spilling in the exam paper), in my 11th grade I started to come out of my introvert shell and started speaking with people and then I made many memorable friends and memories *purple heart*.

*Darker skin shade, no friends* - Well this is also a true scam. Little children don't know what skin tone is. The adults just infiltrate the kids minds with all these sort of nonsense *irritated emoji*. I have heard my relatives (adults) speak shit about my skin tone but have never seen even 1 of my school friends or even friends near my house care about my skin tone. They make me feel sooooo validated, like I matter more. I have learned to love my skin tone and do not wish for it to be any other way. One of the incidents that affected my life significantly, that happened when I was in 6th grade and I still remember it is, once when I went to my friend's house after playing in the sun, the first thing her mom said was "go and wash your face, you don't want to become dirty like your friend(me) right here, right?" this was her exact words but in Tamil of course.... Wow, adults really need to grow up.

*rules for girls* - Well you know most about what happened to those who were forced to never do something, well they end up doing that. I was told to sit like a "girl" or eat like a "girl" or behave like a "girl". But I end up eating like me or sit like me or behave like me. I don't like to steal others habits or personality or have another person as my role model. The way I live and the rules are meant for me to be me, not for me to act like someone else.

*children act certain way* - well I see children as children. They are meant to make mistakes and learn from them. When the adults are trying to restrict them from doing a certain thing, only because they are children, will only make them learn less. I was a child once (I'm 17 but am I still considered a child?), and I have made mistakes and learned from them a lot. Like never to trust someone madly (update 2024, am 21 and still learning this point), not to overshare, there is always a limit.

*adjust to grandparents* - My father's parents both died when I was young. But I dearly loved them and they are the people everyone would love to be around. My mom's parents are both lovely to, but it's a bit of a challenge to be around them. OMG!!! They don't like it when I take a little rest. They want people around them to work 24/7. They ask questions and expect answers immediately. By questions I mean to say, the kind where the question and answer is not gonna benefit both the party members, those annoying kind of questions. I learned that it is ok to stay silent or just say straight to the face "is it gonna benefit you knowing the answer" in a polite way. Since they are "old" they have the audacity to say or scold us the way they wish, but it is not ok if it hurts my feelings, I just work my way around them. But at times they are also sweet.

*do things for others to like us* - Heck f**k this thing. Everyone just thrives for others to notice them and like them, so people do things for others and never for themselves. I hate to please others, but my mom wanted me to go to a luxurious college so that she could boast about it to others, meh even though I got into a prestigious college I didn't do it for them, I did it for me because I like the environment and the faculty. I could not stand it when others just lie straight in someone's face for the other person to like them. I just be straightforward and don't care whether they like me or not.

Finally, to conclude. I'm now a slight extroverted but introverted person who like to be myself and be straightforward and never go bitching about someone else, and love to explore new things and never be the one to adjust to things that I don't tolerate. (update 2024, am still not perfect, I have my flaws, and the way I was brought-up and the way I have been observing others around me, sometimes I do say things that I do not mean to say and later think "that was not cool" but what can be done after it is done)

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What do you guys think about this topic.

Did I speak apt to the topic, or did I just left the topic and blabbered something?

What are your thoughts about yourself?

Random question: What do you do on your free time?