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Hey love, I'll get straight to the point. I sincerely apologize for the delay.
COVER;
I adore the art. It's bright, mysterious, and gives off that sorcery-vibe I think you're going for. It's fierce and has a good sense of what this story is all about. Personally, just looking at the cover made me interested in reading.
BLURB;
Short, simple, intriguing, and straight to the point. I'm not saying a long blurb is terrible, but writing a quick yet mind-pulling hook that can lure your audience in is admiring and something I envy.
BEGINNING (Ch. 1-3)The opening is excellent. You did a superb job conveying what the character is going through right at the moment. A few paragraphs in, you changed scenes from a forest, to a cave, to a desert. And you did it all without confusing while executing just the right amount of detail. You introduced a character that would pique your audience's interest first hand, showing that a headless immortal isn't all you have in store for us.
Enough about your prologue; let's delve deeper into your book before you lose interest.When I began the first chapter, I was interested because of the prologue. I started reading, and you spent 4-5 paragraphs talking about basketball before finally getting into them playing the sport. When I tell you, I skimmed it, reread it because it's my job to read it, then went over it again because I didn't know what I just read; that's how disinteresting I found it. First off, we get it — David is a big shot. I feel like instead of spending your entire beginning talking about this, you can show it through his lifestyle with his friends and family. You can express his reputation through friends, his skill through playing, his popularity by others' reactions, his medals and trophies by talking or bragging about them. Not info-dumping. On top of that, these interactions would give the readers a good idea about what kind of person David is.
Now, the ending of the first chapter was phenomenal. I loved the writing, and I loved the energy; this is the writing from the prologue and blurb that I wanted to see.
Unlike the first chapter, you went into the second one firm, but I want to go over something. David's in a forest area; use that to your advantage to create emotion through your readers, such as fear, bewilderment, disgust, or maybe shock. You spent too much time focusing on how confused David is instead of conveying emotion. Don't get me wrong, your writing is excellent, but it will never reach its full potential if you don't make the readers feel what your character is feeling. And I'm not just talking about this scene; this goes for the rest of the chapters.I have to admit it. Although the descriptions are great, there is no vibe, no feeling. It makes your writing dry and unenjoyable. This time I'm not talking about emotion; I'm talking about setting the scene.
"This forest, though looked odd and outlandish, it would be a tourist attraction to many." Why? Is it beautiful? Is it a pristine forest? Are there certain eye-catching aspects of it? With how you described it, it has no vibe and leaves me with no interest. Also, "outlandish" doesn't quite fit this sentence. You could use bizarre, strange, abnormal, so many other words that would complement your writing.
"No forest on earth could match up the sublime appearance of every tree standing in unison." Sublime? I didn't even know what this meant, and honestly doesn't line up with the rest of your writing. Also, isn't it weird that the trees are in unison? That is a fascinating and creative detail. "Colorful bushes and flowery vegetation: a perfect asset of paradise." Much better. I can feel the whole magical and fantasy vibe with this sentence.
Enough about that; I just wanted to give you examples of how some of your descriptions throw off the paragraphs and why. What's advice if you don't know how to fix it? I'm a reviewer, not an editor, but if you need suggestions, I'd be happy to give some.
MIDDLE (Ch. 4-6)Now I don't want to get repetitive, but I would like to say this point of your story was much better. I started to feel the fantasy, the mystery of developing David's power, and the tension through your words, which you lacked in the previous chapters. You do this all while explaining how Atlantia works through interaction, and that's a great way of doing so. In these chapters, I can feel the rising action. I enjoyed that you didn't just dump the problem onto the readers, you told us through Talim, who explained Atlantia to us, giving us bits and pieces of the situation. You explained a little throughout their journey, and It made me want to continue reading to find out what's going on and why David has such a unique power.As a reader and not a reviewer, it's safe to say that the narrative in this section was excellent, and I'm not just putting you on a high-stepping stool.
CLOSING (Ch. 7-10)This is what I'm here for. The action, the intensity. You did a much better job manifesting all of it in the following chapters. This fact being, I'm not going to gloat about how good of a job you did because you obviously don't need any help in this criteria.
EXTRA (Ch. 11-13)As promised I reviewed your three extra chapters. I don't know why you wanted me to, because I'd only repeat what I said before. So instead I'm going to use this space to wrap this up. What you need to work on is interactions. Your characters are people, as a writer you fail to manifest proper emotions at certain times. You also take too long to describe certain things and it becomes boring. On the flip side, you have a great view of action and adventure. Your lore is huge, and I don't see any holes in it. There's so much mystery that all leads to one thing and I love it.
That concludes this review, I hoped you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed reviewing it hon.
