Hated Ties (Book 3. Ties)

15. The Right Thing

I watch as Levi inspects the thick scars on my wrists. They will always remind me of what I've been through. The pain, the sadness, the shame... He pulls my hands up to his face and kisses both wrists making me gasp in surprise.

"I love you," he says as he looks up at me under his eyelashes.

He is laying on his belly on my new bed while my back leans against the headboard. The room is decorated in soft tones of purple making it feel comforting and peaceful. Maybe that's why we have spent the whole day in here.

"Random," I tell him.

He rolls his eyes. "You're supposed to say that you love me too.

I sarcastically say, "oh, I didn't realize there was a script."

Levi moves his body up and whispers into my ear. "Oh, but there is." He places his lips on my neck.

I grab his head to encourage. Instead, he grabs my hands and pulls away. He smiles and sits back. "You never told me if you took my advice when you were with your parents. We were a little preoccupied when I went to Mike's yesterday morning for me to ask." By morning he means 5 o'clock. Talk about a wake up call.

Between our lovemaking, being aggressively woken up by Nicole, Levi going to work in the evening, and me deciding to go ahead and move in with my dad that same evening, I hadn't had much time to be alone with Levi to talk about things.

"We can get preoccupied again and talk later." I smirk and bite my lip.

He smirks back. "Not this time, Mackenzie. I want to hear about it."

I huff in disappointment. Nonetheless, I gather my thoughts to tell him how it went. "I told my parents about what Johnathan used to do to me." I wrinkled my forehead. "My dad had never hugged me like that." My eyes water for a second but I smile. "That was pretty awesome, not going to lie."

I look at him and he smiles back but stays silent. "My dad knew. He said, and I quote: it ate at my soul to see you and remember how I had failed you." I bring my knees up to my chest. "I've had this idea of my parents for so long that I had no clue what they had been like with me as a child. There's just not much I remember."

Levi looks unsettled. "Your brother never went to jail?"

I shake in denial. "My dad didn't want to hurt my mom, so he fired my old nanny and sent Johnathan away to boarding school. He had told both my mom and I that my nanny, Gloria, had died. Turns out she was fired."

"Was that the right thing to do though," he asks with a hint of anger.

I move my shoulders up and down. "Don't know if there was a right thing to do. I was unhappy for many years. I had mommy and daddy issues... I'm surprised I didn't become a whore looking for love." I laugh.

"That's stereotypical," is Levi's reply.

"But seriously. I mean my dad took away the sources that were hurting me. That makes sense.  I think that was a reasonable choice. His guilt isolated me because he couldn't be with me. I get it; I do. I just wish I could've had my parents growing up." My eyes tear up. "I've suffered from depression since I was child, and now I realize what it was due to. My parents always being gone didn't help it either. I never confronted my trauma nor was it acknowledged.

I just learned to cope and depend on myself. I can count on one hand how many times I've asked for anything. Remembering what my brother did to me... it made me go back in time. I went through the memories with him, the feelings of missing my parents, feeling unwanted, of being completely alone.

All those feelings were suffocating. I didn't fit in my skin anymore. I just wanted some peace. I hated that I didn't die. I hated that I had to feel all of this. Except when I came down here and saw my dad and he told me he had cancer, I felt different. Still shitty, but I just thought I had a chance to get the love and approval I had always wanted from him. Him dying has slowly saved me. And, I hate that too."

I begin to cry profusely. "I'm just tired of losing pieces of myself." I cannot control the sobs that escape me. "Technically I'm a piece of him, but I just want him with me. I just want to be happy. Why is that so hard?"

Levi pulls me into his arms and allows me to cry. I feel comfort being with him. No one will ever be able to take away my pain. It's something that stays with you, but all I know is that I won't let it overpower me again. I'll push my myself to find the good in this world.

The day continues and we are together until he has to leave for work at 5 p.m. When he leaves, I search for my dad. I find him in his room sitting on a settee in his room.

"What are you doing?" I peek around the door.

He looks up from his tablet and looks up at me with a smile on his face. "I'm looking over a case."

I scowl. "Why? I thought you weren't supposed to be working."

"I'd lose my mind if I was doing nothing. Besides, it's not my case. It's just some pro bono. Just helping a friend out."

We stare at each other deciding what to say next. "Can I look it over?"

He smiles and pats the empty space beside him. I smile too and walk over to him. He begins talking about the case and I listen attentively. This is his type of story time. It always has been. I don't find it displeasing. It's actually comforting. It feels like home. I keep listening, but decide to lay my head on his shoulder. There's a pause in his discussion when I do, but he continues speaking like normal almost immediately. I'm content and I know he is too.

This is our new constant for months to come. We're involved in each other's lives. Doctor's visits, cases, school, and relationships. We listen to each other. We confide in each other. I'm glad to have these months with him.

God knows I'll miss him when he's gone.