Hated Ties (Book 3. Ties)

1. Splinters of Mine

My eyelids are trapped, but the bright light still pains me as it tries to infiltrate through the skin of my eyes. If it's Heaven, I shouldn't feel pain, but I do. Why would I be in Heaven anyway?

There's a constant, light fire on them, and I feel very weak. Machines croak out hums that seem to make the silence of people more potent. As the minutes pass, I remember everything that has surfaced and can't be evaded. I want everything to decompose. These feelings are scratching, pulling off the skin, and letting my blood drip. 

Like I said, this is not Heaven.

I struggle to open my eyes because of the lack of energy. Once I manage to open them, I observe what encloses me. It has not been long, since the last time I was here. Both times at my own hand. All of this is my own doing. This moment feels like déjà vu; white hospital room with my mom next to my bed, crying. She is looking down, so she is unaware of my open eyes. The doorknob rattles as someone clumsily tries to open it.

My mom's crying face pops up to the door. She rises from the chair, wipes off her tears, and walks to the door without noticing how my eyes are open right now. It's not her fault though; they're only half-open, so I probably look like those creepy people who sleep and cannot completely shut their eyes.  

Once the door allows access, I see Mike pushing Robin inside the white vault in a wheelchair. My sweet Robin has bruises that look ugly like the world, but they are definitely much more faded. "You're awake," Robin says.

My mom turns to me in shock, since she just realized I am no longer asleep. Her hand moves to her mouth to hold in a sob, but she cannot control the waves of emotion that overcome her. All of this is happening too soon. I am basically just waking up; I am still a bit disoriented and very emotional.

Robin and Mike are next to my bed now; their eyes are reflecting their own feelings. "Do you remember what you did, Zee," Mike asks me as he continues to stand behind Robin's wheelchair.

My throat tightens because I know what Mike is asking me. "I tried to... I don't want to talk about it." It's hard to admit the truth. I am ridden with anxiety and torpor. My mother begins to sob in pain. She holds her torso. It's almost as if she's trying to hold herself together, so she doesn't break like a fragile figurine. She nearly crumples to the floor, but Mike runs to her before she lands on the floor. 

"Mom!" I am not sure why I yell her name when I know it is me who is making her fall. It is me who is causing her grief. It is me who is making her life more difficult. It's all my fault, and I cannot fully say what I did. I do not have the courage to say it because I would shatter her heart with the splinters of mine.

Mike lifts her up and sits her on a chair. She's just sitting there... sobbing into her hands, and there is nothing I can do to save her from the hurt. Robin remains to my left in his wheelchair, tightlipped and pale. Robin had been the last person I saw before I tried... To do what I did. Now, there's this guilt on his face. The truth is that no one could have stopped me, not my mom, not Mike, not Stephanie. Pain can't be taken away. 

I stare at Mike who has a hand on my mom as he tries to comfort her. All of a sudden, her head snaps up, and she stares back at me with tear stricken eyes. "What good did that do you, Mackenzie?"

My chest tightens, and my eyes fill with more tears. My breath can probably be heard from the hallway, but that doesn't matter. Nothing does. "It did me no good because I'm still here," I whisper. The tears are held captive in my eyes just like I am attached to a snare of my own despair and this life. A life that has beat me to a blue and purple that will never heal. 

___________________

This sucks, I know. Bear with me though.

P.S. I don't think this third book is going to be particularly long like the second installation of the series.

On another note, give Ron and The Deceivers, my other books, a read.

Thanks for reading!

[Song: Never Too Late by Three Days Grace] I know there are many people who don't like TDG, but this song is particularly nice, so take a listen.

+Ella-Mia edited 4.6.17