Star Crossed

Anticipation

Those past three months had been altogether the longest and the shortest of my near thirty years of life. The longest, because in fear of Vader's coming, every single second lasted like a thousand. This impending doom floated above my head like a death sentence, its presence never forgotten, interfering in my thoughts and my ideas. I was thankful for Galen's hands that sometimes shook my shoulders to get my attention back to the point.

The shortest, because I couldn't help but feel I would never be ready. The pressure upon our team to present our work under its best light was sick a joke! To them, it was like meeting a God. To me ... well, the real challenge was to guard my thoughts.

Countless hours were spent planning, plotting, or meditating in my quarters. There was a special indentation in my mattress where Galen used to sit, now. He was, after all, a heavy man. Many times, I fell asleep by his side after a good dose or coral, or booze, or both. Most days, he left without a noise. But sometimes, I found him asleep beside me, entirely clothed, his steady breath lulling me into a relaxed state. Those mornings, I studied his face, wondering how such a peaceful expression could rest upon such a busy mind.

Did he wear a mask, even at night? I doubted it. I liked it when he fell asleep beside me, I could get a glimpse of the human being. Is that the man that Lyra had met, long ago? Fallen in love with? Our growing proximity frightened me; what would occur if my dream came true? How would I go on without his sturdy presence by my side? Galen was my anchor, my rock, the steady rhythm that kept my heart beating, the arm that led me.

Today, no one was there when I opened my eyes. Albeit I had once more fallen asleep curled beside my colleague deep in the night, Galen Erso had retreated to his quarters to prepare for battle.

I donned my full uniform, tying my long, reddish hair in a tight braid, not a strand aside. The epitome of control. Today was the day. Like an automat, I grabbed caff at the mess. Pastries, eggs and proteins watched me in the eye, but the very idea to absorb anything non-liquid sent my stomach lurching.

My feet took me to the lab where people were already buzzing my activity. I made my round around my colleagues, checking that all settings were in place for this afternoon's demonstration. Surprisingly, Sahali didn't even try to goad me today; I could see from the lines upon his forehead that he was as stressed out as the others. So I left him to his fine-tuning, and walked to our newest addition for a much needed "pat in the back" discourse.

The young female chiss – blue skin - had replaced Korwin, not so long ago... and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Her great glowing red eyes watched me, fearful, as I told her it would be all right; she drew strength from me, and I donned my 'second in command' persona. Poor girl, all excited to join the best science team in the empire, only to fall in our clutches. Led by people who attempted to sabotage it all, and might even accept her death as a necessary casualty of war. How far I had gone from the eager Elya who would have licked Krennic's boots to work here.

As I made my way back, Dr Gubacher attacked me with a tricky question about the alpha parameter, and I nodded gratefully. Kicking my brain into research mode would distract it long enough. So I retreated to the main table and dove into my datapad to forget the twists of my upset stomach.

I typed in: Equilibrium of trajectories – > alpha parameter determination – > equations of behaviour vs medium.

As memories of impossible calculations resurfaced, a bowl of Meiloorun fruits landed beside me. My guilty pleasure, only acquired through the black market.

"Eat," came Galen's command.

Eyes wide as saucers, I lifted my head to find Dr Erso, clad in his uniform, watching the lab with that intensity that sometimes sent my mind reeling. He bore the restrictive garment with ease, and I swore I caught a glimpse of his former self, working in Coruscant five years ago. He looked ... at ease, and powerful. Trapped, as well. There was pride in his stance, and when his eyes caught mine, I gasped. There was no doubt he had fulfilled his part of the plan and planted that holocron in my fresher.

And I could read his acceptance as easily as if he wrote it on our notepad of communication. The acceptance that, should he die, I would be able to take over. I regretted, at once, not to have spoken about my dream. I feared his reaction, feared he might see me like a child afraid to lose another authority figure. And what more could I say? There was no better solution than what we had devised together.

Yet... I wasn't ready to let go. Would never be ready to watch him die.

"Elya ?"

Galen's low voice shook me out of my misery, and I decided to get a grip on myself. It was a nightmare. Just a fucking, too realistic nightmare. So I gave Dr Erso a smile, and started eating the fruit that used to erase all the hurts of the world. And despite the pressure, the familiar taste gradually diffused its soothing memories over my overtensed body.

If I wanted to survive Vader's coming, I needed to concentrate. Erase from my mind all thoughts pertaining to the Force, and the Sith. Lord Vader was a counsellor of the Emperor, second in command and trusted servitors of the Galactic Empire.

I needed to think of Kybers, of testing, of pride in my achievements, and the honour to work beside a man like Galen Erso. At worst, I could always distract myself with my so-called feelings for the man; our 'affair' was a secret to no one. It would easily shelter me from other unsavoury thoughts of betrayal and such.

No! Elya, no!

Today, not a single thought about sabotage, or betrayal, or explosions. Discard fear, welcome pride, perseverance and numbers. Holograms and equations, quantic rules and satisfaction of a job well done. I needed to call forth those old principles that used to make me tick. Albeit I knew, today, that those so-called feelings were embryos of sensations at best, I still remembered what it felt to achieve and be praised.

It was less tiresome to become a scientist once more. To care about numbers, experiments, failure and success, to discard those deep-rooted emotions that were slowly, but surely taking hold of my life.

Should I blame Galen Erso for it? Probably. Did I resent him for this rollercoaster that overwhelmed me? Some days, yes. When Krennic brought me on Lah'mu, I expected to find a guide, a brilliant mind that would take me one step further into abstraction and greatness. Cold, calculating and outside the bow. I had found, instead, a human being that made my soul vibrate... wrapped up in a genius. And it unsettled me; aside from pushing me in unconventional thinking, Galen had also taught me to feel.

But not today. Today, I was Elya, protégée of Commander Krennic, brilliant sidekick to Dr Galen Erso. A man I respected, understood partially, and had an unhealthy attachment to. Period. I called upon the Kybers, breathing slowly, asking them to protect me, to lead me, to keep my concentration intact and my intellect sharp.