Surviving

Chapter Four

I walk away from what just happened hoping Carl will follow me. Of course he does. He tangles his fingers with mine. I object and pull my hand away. Carl pulls his hand away. "Sorry." he says looking away. I grab his hand and hold it tightly. We walk silently hand in hand to the field where the graves are. "That's my mom's grave." Carl says pointing to one. "Oh Carl im sorry." i say hugging him tight as his tears fall on my shoulder. "I did it." he says. I look at him shocked. I take a step back from him. "She died and and i had to shoot her.I had to shoot her before she became one of them. I didn't want her to suffer. I ended it. It was real."he says taking another step towards me. I take another back. "Are you going to shoot me?" i ask keeping a distance. "No not unless you ask me or it's to keep you from becoming one of them when you die." he pleads reaching for my shoulder. I shake him off in a rage and stand in a position ready to defend myself. "Ashlyn. Please." he says with tears in his eyes. I walk away to find Rick and Glenn. "Everything-" Rick begins "Everything's fine." i say walking back to my cell. I sit there and think about whether i"m mad at Carl. I decide i'm not mad. He was just keeping his mom from suffering and he was protecting everyone else. I stand up and run out of the cell block. I run until i find Carl walking back from the field slowly with his head down. "CARL!" I say running faster to reach him. He doesn't look up. "Carl." i say reaching him. He tries to go around me but i block him. "Carl. I'm sorry. I was just scared." i say lifting his chin until our eyes meet. "Scared of what? Do you not remember what happened lastnight? DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THAT WE KISSED AND YOU LIKED IT?" he shouts at me which makes tears form but i hold them back. I can't cry because it's not fair. I hurt him. All he did was tell me the truth. "I was scared of being hurt. I didn't want you to be taken away from me and all i did was cause this. I'm sorry Carl. You can scream, you can ignore me, you can hate me, but know that i will always care for and love you." i say as i walk away. I let the tears fall because it's over now. "Ashlyn." carl calls for me but now it's my turn to ignore what happened. I walk towards my cell. "Ashlyn. Are you okay?" glenn asks walking in front of me. "No. I just ruined the last thing that gave me hope." i say facing him. "What's that?" he asks taking me in his arms as if he was my father. "What i have with Carl. He was my beacon of hope. The thing that gave me hope i could be a normal teenager." i say pulling away. I walk away from Glenn and whe i reach my cell i collapse on the bunk and it all comes out. The start of this hell, the lose of my friends, the lose of my family, and the fact that i just ruined what i had with Carl. I lay there and just let all of my tears fall out. "It sounds like a raccoon is dying in here. What are you doing?" i hear a voice say. I turn to see Rick standing in the doorway. Once he sees i've been crying his expression softeness. "I-i'm sorry. I thought." he starts apologizing. "Please. Just stop talking." i plead as i stand up. "What happened?" he asks. "It hurts like hell." i say as the tears start rolling down my cheeks again. "What does?" he asks bringing me into his arms. "I screwed everything up with Carl and i hate myself for it." i say as my tears come more rapidly. "It hurts so bad." i say making awful choking noises. "I know it does." Rick says kissing the top of my head.