Crazy Bastard || Binchan ✔️

13

Changbin sets down two plates of ramen, it being the easiest thing to make. And probably the only thing he could stomach, at the moment.

"Are-"

"Eat first. Talk later," Changbin says sternly, trying his best to be tough.

The two eat in silence, both of them taking longer to eat than normal since they were dreading it. Changbin was trembling, his chopsticks clicking together every so often. Chan looked like a fucking puppy in Changbin's eyes. A hurt, guilty puppy.

Chan ended up collecting the dishes and doing them quickly. At least Changbin wasn't having the same problem as Hyunjin. Maybe that would be better, though.

When he sits back down, they avoid each other's eyes. Chan didn't know what to say. Changbin had a lot to say, but it was hard.

"Why?" He stutters out. "Why were you ignoring me? What did I do?"

The elder takes in a deep breath. He wanted to shrug, but he knew Changbin deserved better.

"I... I don't know. You didn't do anything, but I, um, I just..." He was speechless. He didn't understand it either. "I'm sorry. I don't know."

"You're going to have to come up with something better than that or else I'm-"

"Changbin," he whimpers, "I swear, I don't know. I... lost motivation. In everything. I lied to you about work. That project? I was kicked from it because I wasn't doing anything to help. I wasn't... I'm not stressed. Well, I am because of you. No, no, not because of you. I'm... fuck, I don't know. Something is wrong with me."

Changbin was confused. Really, really confused. "What? I'm sorry, I'm not following. What's wrong with you? What do you mean?"

Chan's breathing then becomes strained. "I don't know. I... inside. Inside, there's something wrong. It's always been there."

The younger grows worried, grasping his boyfriend's hand. "Describe it."

"It's like there's just... no motivation whatsoever. Focusing is always hard. I can't sleep. I always get headaches. It feels like there's no way out. Like I'm stuck. I wish I would disappear sometimes. I feel like I'm suffocating under nothing."

Changbin knew these feelings all too well.

"How long have you been experiencing this?"

Chan looks away, finding something else to focus on. "...years."

"We need to find you help, lovely. This isn't okay. Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"

"I was scared. I thought it was normal, so I thought I was being... dramatic. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to be okay."

"You... crazy bastard, no, you're not. You are human. You can't be strong and okay everyday or every minute. What is wrong with you? You know this. Why would you force yourself to hide it away? God, you're... I love you. A lot. I'm going to find you a doctor, okay? A therapist."

"Changbin... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ignored you. I shouldn't have ignored your texts. I'm sorry for ignoring the problem when you tried bringing it up. I didn't realize I was even giving into this... feeling. I love you so much. I really, really do. I haven't been the greatest boyfriend, I know. I'm going to make it up to you. All of it. It won't happen again, I promise. Please, forgive me."

Ah, here's the true conflict. What was Changbin supposed to say? He specifically told himself not to forgive so easily, but how could he not?

"Prove it to me, Chan. Prove to me that you mean it. I know you're struggling, and I'm sorry for that. I wish we could've gotten this straightened out sooner and gotten you help sooner, but we didn't. You have to prove to me that this won't happen again. And if you feel like you have no motivation, just tell me, okay? It's okay if you don't want to talk or text. I'll take care of you. But you can't straight up ignore me, got it?"

"Got it."

Changbin comes around the table, pulling Chan up for a hug. They hold onto each other tightly, their fears of losing one another dissipating, hopefully, for good.