You Rock My Heart

You'll probably be mad at me

A few weeks had passed and it was now time to move into the hotel rooms provided to them by the festival so that they could stay on site for rehearsals. Hongjoong triple-checked all of the cargo to make sure they didn't miss anything and would've checked a fourth time if San hadn't stopped him. He knew he was being overly cautious but the competition was a big deal and he didn't want a missing drum to cost them the whole thing.

"I think we're all set," remarked Jongho loading the last suitcase into the bus.

"Did everyone pack toothbrushes?" Hongjoong questioned, trying to think of any possible item that could've been forgotten.

"Yes hyung, we have everything we need," sighed Yeosang, amused by his leader as well as annoyed.

"Are we sure? Does everyone have underwear?"

"Hyung! Just get on the bus already!" laughed San pushing him up the stairs.

"Okay okay," laughed Hongjoong nervously as he took a seat at the front of the bus. Jongho and Yeosang had decided to sit together in the back and San came to sit behind him.

As the bus took off, Hongjoong felt his worries lessen. Everything was going to be okay. He leaned back into his seat and felt San stroking his head lightly.

"How have you been hyung?" San asked gingerly, not wanting to encroach on any touchy subjects.

"I'm good now. I think I'm over it."

"That's good," smiled San but Hongjoong could feel the sadness in his voice. He turned around and set a hand on San's cheek.

"How about you?" he asked, his head turned slightly as he waited for a response.

"Oh I'm all good," San smiled. "Nothing's really happened. Guess I've got a pretty boring social life now that we're in the band all the time."

Hongjoong felt like this was a good time to try to figure out what had happened but he approached the situation delicately.

"I know something happened San. Something was up that day that you were late to practice."

San looked at his feet.

"We don't have to talk about it but I don't think you've been able to talk to anyone and I want you to know I'm here to listen, whatever it is."

Hongjoong set his hand on San's shoulders and waited for him to respond.

"I—I can't talk about it. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me," Hongjoong grinned.

"You'll probably be mad at me."

"Why would I be mad at you?" Hongjoong drew his eyebrows together in dismay. How could San think he'd be petty enough to get mad about something when it was hurting San to keep it in? Had he not been open enough as a leader?

"Because—because it has to do with the band Wonderland."

Hongjoong was frozen for a moment. Wonderland? As in, their rival band Wonderland? As much as Hongjoong was concerned about the possible issues with that, he was more concerned about San.

"It's—it's okay. You're more important. What happened?"

"There's a member that I've known for a long time. We used to busk together as a duo act. We've—" San looked too scared to continue and began swinging his legs in his seat.

"It's okay take your time," Hongjoong said softly rubbing San's back.

"We've been in a relationship for a few years."

Hongjoong was shocked. Under his nose his own bandmate had not only been dating someone without his knowledge but had been dating a rival band member? He hadn't ever established a no dating policy but he figured if anyone were to get into a relationship he would at least know about it. San looked up at him slowly trying to read his face. He quickly softened his expression, not wanting San to close up again and looked into San's eyes.

"You've been hiding this for all these years? That must have been awful...I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you."

San was about to look at the floor again but his eyes shot up at Hongjoong's words and his face looked genuinely shocked.

"You—you're not mad at all?"

"Of course not! I'm sorry you had to go through that on your own. I'm your leader I should've picked up on it."

"Don't beat yourself up about it, we were pretty stealthy," San smiled but soon started biting his lip. He turned to look out the window, avoiding eye contact.

"Hey, what's going on?" Hongjoong asked, reaching his hand out to San's arm.

"It's just that—he said he wanted to take a break."

Tears started to well up in the corners of San's eyes but he quickly wiped them as they formed. He sniffled a bit and looked back at the floor.

"I'm so sorry San, that's really hard."

Hongjoong finally moved back a row and sat next to his bandmate and wrapped his arms around him, causing San to lose his last bit of control. He started shaking with sobs and pressed his head into Hongjoong's soft hoodie. Hongjoong held him for a while, stroking his back.

"Let it out, just let it out. You don't have to hide it anymore."

San released years of suppressed emotion into the fleece-lined chest of his leader, crying until he didn't have anymore tears.

He still shuddered a bit with each breath but his face had pretty much dried. He sat back up and looked at his hyung, who still had his arms wrapped around him.

"Thank you Hongjoong. I really needed that."

"I'll always be on your side, okay? Come to me with anything. You don't need to keep secrets from me,@ he said soothingly.

San leaned in and gave him a big squeeze and then laid his head in Hongjoong's lap. He dozed off almost immediately, having worn himself out crying. Hongjoong stroked his hair.

How could he have been so oblivious? He was so focused on his own issues that he hadn't noticed what his bandmate was going through right in front of him. And not even for a short time but for years! He knew he had to be more aware in the future and set a goal to pay better attention to his members. After all, isn't that what a good leader should do?