In My Dreams

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Ada

Waking up is no longer the pleasure it was. I know Jaxon is asleep next to me but he isn't mine anymore, I can't just cuddle up to him the way I used to. There is a fleeting moment when I feel whole again seeing him here but it soon evaporates when pain is increasing in waves around my head. Small lulls giving false hope of an end. As my eyes adjust to the morning light, moving without pain, without aches, was just one thing I use to take for granted. Recently I've woken up in all different kinds of pain. I have a splitting head ache and I can feel my eye is painful when I squint. I was hoping the wine I consumed made me pass out and this was all just one big nightmare but it's not at all, I'm just not that lucky. Warm tears fall down my cheeks as the vision of Alex unbuttoning my trousers and ripping my knickers off me flood my brain. I sense Jaxon's eyes are staring at me as he watches me face my reality. "Oh Ade, come here" He says holding out his arms for me to dive into. I don't hesitate to accept and I practically throw myself into them. The familiar warmth of his body and the smell of yesterday's aftershave lingers on his top. He kisses the top of my head and plays with the ends of my hair. "Will you talk to me and tell me everything? He asks gently.
I knew this question would come up at some point and I understand that he wants to get to the bottom of what happened including the gory details, it's probably killing him knowing he had to wait till this morning to ask. I pull out of his embrace and sit on my knees, Jaxon watches me intently as he tucks my hair behind my ear.
"While we were in Scotland I received a text message from Alex telling me how sorry he was for the way he's mistreated me blah blah blah and that he wanted to take me out for dinner on Wednesday night but I deleted the message and blocked his number." I confess as I look down at my fingers picking at my nails.
Jaxon frowns at me and lifts himself up onto his elbows "Why didn't you tell me this?"
"You were asleep at the time and I didn't want to ruin our time away. I definitely wasn't going to wake you up for that. I thought deleting it was best and then I just completely forgot about it." I tell him.
He stops me from picking at my finger and nudges me to tell him more. "I ordered Chinese because I had nothing in the cupboards and then next thing I know he's at my fucking door holding my fucking food. I tried so hard to keep him out but he was too strong. He pinned me down by my neck and then he smacked my head hard on the floor. He started to strangle me again, all because I didn't show up to this dinner he asked me to go to in his text." I say cradling my throat with my hand. "I can't describe to you how it feels to be strangled but you kinder lose all your senses. You can't smell, you can't think straight but somehow, I managed to find the strength to knee him in the crutch and for a split second I was free. The door was still open so I tried to run out but he grabbed my hair with so much force that I fell backwards crashing down on my head." I take a moment to regain myself before I continue, wiping a stray tear from my eye. Jaxon is still staring at me closely, listening to every word I have to say.
"So, what happened after that?" He prompts me to continue.
"I don't really know. It was all a blur after that. I was in and out of consciousness but I remember there being a knife and he was pointing the tip of the blade to my throat." Remembering the sharp pain on my skin. "He was unbuttoning my jeans telling me all this crazy stuff that I was his, that we're not broken up and then that's when he ripped my knickers off and put them in his pocket." I stop talking as Jaxon puts his hand over his ears showing me he doesn't want to hear any more.
"I'm sorry. It's just very hard to listen to." He says as he wipes his eyes that have filled with tears. "Sorry, go on."
"I threatened him. He was trying to take off his trousers, I started to panic so I told him I would call the police and said that I'll make sure he never sees his daughter again." My voice breaks and the tears start to fall faster. "He was shocked that I knew about her. He was trying to put his knife away but he missed his pocket and the knife fell into my fingers, so I stabbed him somewhere. I'm not sure where because he punched me in the face after that. Just as I went unconscious I saw him run to the window and that is all I remember."
"I tried to get here as fast as I could. This is all my fault." He adds
"How is it your fault?"
"Ada, I feel so foolish. The reason why I broke things off with you is because I thought it would keep you safe. I thought if I were out the picture, he would leave you alone but he knew you were alone. If I was here he wouldn't have dreamed in coming up. He wouldn't have done all those terrible things to you if I'd been here." His voice shudders at his own confession.
"I will never leave you again. Only if you will have me back." He pleads, staring at me intently waiting for an immediate answer.
I don't even know what to say. He said he broke up with me to keep me safe? He takes me to Scotland, proposes to me and then breaks up with me just to keep me safe? This doesn't make any sense. "I thought you had broken up with me because you didn't want me anymore. You were so cold towards me..."
He interrupts. "I know... I know I was and It something I deeply regret. You don't understand how much I regret it. I wish I could turn back time..."
And now it's my turn. "But you can't turn back time Jaxon. You've broken my heart for no reason. I've been here alone and hurting for what exactly? I actually thought you didn't want me anymore." Tears stream down my face taking over every inch of my skin as I sob in my hands.
"Oh Ada, I will never stop wanting you. I know I've hurt you, I've torn myself apart in the process. It's been killing me, there were so many times I wanted to come over and take it all back..."
"But you never," I interrupt him again. "You were too busy with Jess, weren't you?" I say, I know it were a low blow but it's not exactly a lie.
"There is nothing going on with me and Jess. It was just one kiss. She came over to help me with some gallery stuff and that was it." He explains.
"Just one kiss?" He kissed her. She kissed him. I knew she would try to dig her nails into him at any chance she could get. This just keeps getting better and better. He looks at me with eyes wide open realising he dropped another bomb shell. "I'm here with a broken heart and your kissing another woman." I get up from the bed, sweeping my feet along the cold wood floor into the kitchen to find some painkillers for the many aches and pains I have in every inch of my body.
I can't believe how badly my body aches. Jaxon follows me to the kitchen acting like a a lost puppy with his tail between his legs. I snap some painkillers out the packet and I gulp down masses of water gulping it down like it was going out of fashion. I sit up at the kitchen table and I rest my head in my hands. Jaxon takes a seat next to me and takes my hands in his. I can tell by his eyes how sorry he is but it doesn't change anything.
"Ada. I'm a terrible person. I do things without thinking of the consequences. Jess kissed me and I may have kissed her back a little bit but I soon stopped it because she wasn't you. She will never be you. Can we please just start over again?"
I have no idea what I want anyone. I haven't had a chance to think for myself without some shit happening in my life. "You may have kissed her back? You either did or you didn't... you know what it doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything between us right now. I love you so much Jaxon, I will always love you but I think I need to take some time out for myself. I need to heal from all this shit that's going on in my life. I know I can't stay here another night and I've been thinking of going back to my parents and staying there for a couple of weeks. This isn't the right time for us. I'm not trying to hurt you or get back at you, I just need... space." I say it and I mean it. I tell him without shedding a tear. I take a deep breath, placing my hand on Jaxon's face where he closes his eyes at my touch and I give him one last kiss.
"Do you want me to leave?" He says as he stands up from the chair rubbing the back of his neck.
"Stay? I don't want to be left here alone."
"Of course." He answers.
Pulling out a clean towel from the cupboard, I turn on the shower and wait for the water to warm up. I've avoided all morning to look at myself in the mirror as I stare down at the sink waiting for the courage to pick my heavy head up and see what Alex has done to me. I close my eyes, lifting my head and gaze back at myself in the mirror.
I gasp.
The blue bruise along my eye socket is puffy and is tender at first touch. This will take forever to heal. I tear myself away from the mirror and I jump into the hot shower enjoying the moment the water soothes away my aches and pains and my terrifying memories of last night. I allow the heat to relax me, Inhaling the steam clearing my head.
I blow dry my hair roughly. Whenever I used to wear my hair long and loose I felt free and relaxed, soothed by how it moves in the breeze but now I despise it. It is unnecessarily long. I quickly pull on my tracksuit and start the process of packing my bag with a few jeans and tops, I don't take much notice in what I do actually pack.
Jaxon is sitting on the sofa waiting patiently as I pull out the battery charger from the wall. I zip up my bag and I stroll back out into the living room. I can feel Jaxon's eyes burning holes in me as I walk over to the fridge making sure there's nothing in there that will explode after a couple of weeks. I see the containers of the Chinese I ordered yesterday piled up on top of one another. Jaxon must have cleared it all away for me last night. I pull them out and take them over to the bin but it's full of empty wine bottles. I should recycle these I think, removing the food out the containers into the bin. I see Jaxon has left the fortune cookie on the side for me, which makes me smile, putting it in my zipper jacket saving it for later. "I'm ready to go" I say as I pull out the bin bag from the pedal bin.
Jaxon rushes over to me, taking the rubbish and the empty bottles from my hands. Turning off everything that doesn't need to be on, I give the flat a once over before noticing the place on the floor where I lay helpless under Alex's attack as the sight vanishes when I close the door.
Opening the lid of the boot to my car, I place my bag inside and shut it. I walk around to open the car door while Jaxon is next to me dejected. Going on my tiptoes and placing my arms around his neck, he wraps his arms around my waist tightly and he buries his face into my neck, savouring our last embrace. "Goodbye Jaxon." I whisper.

I park my car on my parents drive when I see mum and dad waiting for me at the door. I called them while I was driving and told them everything what happened. They are devastated so I'm aware they will probably have a few things to say when I get there. My dad comes out and pulls my bag from my boot then takes a look at my face. I think I heard his heart breaking. "Let's get you inside kiddo. I'll make you a cuppa tea". He fusses, leading me into the house.
My mum covers her mouth with her hand as I close the gap between us. She takes one look at my face and begins to sob. "Who would do such a thing to my beautiful girl." She weeps, bringing me in to her open arms, holding me tight not letting me go.
She leads me into the kitchen and I take a seat at the breakfast bar. My mum sits next me while my dad puts on the kettle. "You know you can stay here for as long as you want?" My mum offers, tucking my hair behind my ears just how Jaxon used to.
"Thanks mum. I've decided to put my notice in on the flat and find somewhere else. I don't know how long it will take but I can't go back to that flat." I announce as my dad puts three cups of tea on the table and slides one over to me.
"Jaxon called asking if you got here okay. He worries about you." My dad contributes.
"I know he does." I tell him.
I take a sip of my tea and I can feel both their eyes burning into me just like Jaxon did this morning. They share a look at one another, who goes first wins it seems.
"Are you going to the police, Ada?" My mum asks.
Here comes the interrogation.
"I am deciding on that." I lie. I know I'm stupid and there are many people that probably wouldn't think twice about going to the police but I won't change my mind, I refuse to ruin that little girls' life. I'm hoping now that he is aware I know of his daughter he might just back off.
"And Jaxon?" It's obviously my dad's turn to take a swipe at me.
"What about him?" Running my hands through my hair out exasperation and making a deep sigh.
"He loves you, you know." Said in a tone as if I'm the only one that's done wrong.
"I love him too but he accused me of still being in love with Alex after he proposes to me. He then breaks up with me because he wanted to keep me safe but all that did was put me in danger and then he kisses another woman. I know how much you love Jaxon, I know you see him as part of the family which is fine I accept that but he has left me broken hearted. I just need some time to figure out my life. A lot is going on at the moment and it's enough to give me whip lash. I would like to have one fucking moment where I can fucking breathe! Is that too much to ask?" I yell.
They look shocked at my outburst and maybe Jaxon missed a few key details to the story he told them. Well now they know the truth so they can stop looking at me as if I'm the fuck up. There's silence for once as we all sip on our teas in peace.
"Would you like to go Leigh with me? We could get some lunch?" My mum offers, changing the subject trying to break the silence.
"Yeah, okay." I answer with a smile, appreciating that she actually listened to me for a change.
I take my clothes from out my bag and hang them up in my wardrobe then I sit at my dressing table staring at my hideous face. I take out my make-up bag and start to cover up the bruising around my eye. As I stare back at myself I have visions of Alex yanking my hair to stop me from escaping out the door. If it weren't for my long hair I could have made it out.
My hair has been with me my whole life, the only thing that has ever stuck by my side through thick and thin. But now is the time to forget my horrid past and it go because it will always be a constant reminder of my assault. Aggressively pulling out the scissors from my drawer I bunched all of my thick overgrown hair in my left hand and raising the scissors just under my jaw line. I start hacking away. Just like that without any hesitation the hair falls to the floor in clumps.
I stand in front of the full-length mirror, taking in my new appearance. My short hair is just the start of things to come I promise myself.
My mum calls up to me asking if I'm ready to leave, I take a deep breath and make my way down the stairs. "You've cut your hair!" My mum shrieks out of excitement.
"Yeah. It had to go." I smile.
"Well I'm sure Amy will neaten it up for you?" She suggests as she combs her fingers through my new short hair. "Short hair suits your pretty little face." She adds with a smile.
We grab our coats from the cloakroom and put on our trainers, I can't help but notice my mum has changed into a tracksuit to match mine. I laugh through my nose when I think how cute she can sometimes be.

"We could graduate the back but keep the rest as a bob?" Amy explains as she scrunches and pulls at my hair.
"Actually, can I have a blunt bob and some bangs?" Changing my mind at the last moment as the shop assistant shows me over to the wash basin. He starts washing my hair and gently massages my scalp which is truly welcomed and so relaxing for me. The hair salon is a wide-open space of mirrors and comfy black leather chairs that swivel all the way around.
I look over at my mum who is sat gazing out of the window, deep in thought as Amy blow dries my hair. Wow I look like a totally different person. I admire myself in the mirror and comb my fingers through the soft strands. This was definitely the best idea I've had in a while.
"Oh Ada, you look... absolutely beautiful." My mum tells me, untucking the hair behind my ears.