The Stupidity Of Love (Lev Haiba)

Married to Mr Ball

 I hadn't spoken to Lev since that day. In fact, I'd barely even seen him since then.

He stopped coming to drag me away to have lunch together. He stopped asking me to study with him. No more walking to school together. No more watching his practices. No more walking home. No more saving him from the vending machine...

It was like he vanished from my life. Sometimes I wondered if he even still went to Nekoma... but just as I started to think that, I'd see him walk by. Sometimes I thought about calling out to him, but instead I kept quiet. Then he'd disappear into the crowd and I'd be wishing that he'd walk this way again.

Laying back on my bed, I couldn't help but think about it. This was all new to me. I mean, I'd never really had a real friend before Lev. Not one that I could remember anyway. Sure, I was on friendly terms with a lot of people, but they weren't really friends. Even my old teammates from middle school weren't really friends...

After a few minutes, I began to feel restless and started pacing around my room. No matter what I tried, I couldn't seem to distract myself from Lev. With a sigh, I wandered over to my window and looked down to the park just across the street.

What I saw didn't help me to feel any different. Down there was Lev, running around and playing with the kids just he had back when we'd first started spending time together. He seemed to be happy down there... but I couldn't quite shake the feeling that it was only because he was distracted from everything else.

I know that I should talk to him. I know that... it's what a friend would do... but... did I even have any right to call him a friend anymore? The way I acted... I know that I hurt him. I may not how much exactly, but I do know that it was enough to make him leave me...

He turned his head, looking up to my window. Could he see me watching? Probably not... After a moment, he looked away, his attention turning back to the children he'd been playing with.

Sighing, I turned away, picking up SB from my desk and laying on my bed.

"I wish that you could just tell me what to do," I said, holding the ball up above me. "I know that I should talk to him... tell him I'm sorry...." As weird as it might be to talk to an inanimate object, this was at least somewhat comforting. "I don't even know what I'd say... What even am I sorry for?"

"Am I sorry that I was so mean to him? For not returning his feelings? For not even realizing what he'd been trying to do? For being so damned oblivious? Kuroo and everyone practically told me!" I dropped SB on the floor, rolling over in frustration. "I can't believe I was that stupid..."

In the time since Lev's kiss, I'd had a lot of time to think... time to connect all the dots... and once I finally put it all together, I felt like a horrible, horrible person. How could he have liked me? He deserved better than the way I'd reacted... but it was a little too late now... It's not like I could magically go back and fix this...

If I did apologize... what then? It's not like we would just magically go back to how we were before... I can't just forget that he'd kissed me... and what of his feelings? If I don't feel the same way he does, then it'd be wrong to date him or anything like that... but would he even be happy with being just friends after all of this?

"Why does everything have to be so confusing?" I groaned, flopping onto my stomach. My gaze shifted over to when SB had rolled to. "It'd be so much easier if I could just marry you and be done with it all, SB..."

As always, SB said nothing. If nothing else, I suppose I always had the friendship of SB... but would that really be enough in the end?