𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬; 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬

𝐫𝐮𝐞?; 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 | 𝐞𝐮𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐚

TW BEFORE YOU READ: MENTIONS OF DRUGS, TRAUMA, ADDICTION, AND OVERDOSE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THESE TOPICS. READER DISCRETION ADVISED.

rue
living up in new york with jules was a dream come true. having her in my arms every night in our one bedroom apartment is literally the best thing i could ever have. she worked as those artsy fartsy shits in that one place that does like designs for the community. even if i'm not into art and couldn't give two fucks about a picture on a canvas, i still like jule's art. but only jules's.

every time she came home with her big ass portfolio and then hugging me and telling me how her day went was the best part about my day. but jules doesn't know something that i've been keeping a secret from her for a while now. i don't know how she hasn't found out yet but i'm happy she hasn't.

it's getting bad again.

i really thought i was going to get somewhere with all the rehab shit, jules crying because of me and telling me that she won't have me if i OD once again. but nope, that shit went down into pieces once i saw someone injecting themselves with a needle when i was walking in central park.

i don't usually get triggered by shit like that, but because of being clean for over 5 months, i started to miss the feeling of it. the feeling of instant euphoria and feeling my heartbeat all throughout my body.

although i'm living my dream with the love of my life in one of the biggest cities in the world, i was still pretty fucked up. and it hurts to know that i can't even stay sober for the girl that loves me back. i feel guilty for hiding shit from her, especially when it's this big. but i'll always tell her everything, but just not this. i can't afford losing her again, especially after last time.

i head to the bathroom with my crystals and credit cards. it's only 3:25, jules should be coming back at around 5, so plenty of time to snort and clear the scent. i open up the plastic bag that i kept it inside, and lay it out onto the toilet lid. fucking unsanitary, i know. but it's not like i have any good places to do this shit on anyways.

the crystals still look a bit choppy, so that's why i brought my credit card with -116 dollars in it. don't ask me what i spent on that cause i couldn't tell you even if i knew. laying the card flat, i start to press down, so the crystals can become more like a powder to shove up my nose.

i take away the card and look at the white shit all over the seat. bringing my nose up, taking in all the powder. shit, i'll never get tired of this feeling. the feeling of being on top of the world, having all the confidence, and 0 insecurities.

i guess this is why i can't get clean. no matter what i have in my life, who i have, it doesn't matter because i'm always gonna feel like shit. but normally, i shut out everyone i know anyways. it's not like i become the nicest person in the world when i'm high. my mom would know since she's shouted at me countless times from it.

she says that it's just the drugs talking, and that i need to overcome this disease. and that's what people don't understand. becoming an addict isn't something that i couldn't control. i had full control of myself when i first popped xanax in my mouth when i was 12. there is no disease. it's not like it's fucking cancer or aids, like i put myself in this situation, so stop telling me that i couldn't control this.

i can't see clearly. my hands look like feet, and the walls look like it's spinning in every way. i'm so fucking high, wow. it feels like i don't have control over my body anymore, literally cause i just fell on the ground and hit my head on the sink counter. i don't remember drinking kool aid cause there's red liquid on the counter and on the back of my head. fuck. i can't let jules see me like this, i need to shut the door and lock it. i need to take care of myself on my own, no more depending on jules. no more.