because he didn't love me

why i hurt myself

just a reminder that this does talk a lot about self harm please don't read if you are triggered by this. I won't be going into detail when it happens.  

Dear diary,

I hurt myself.

It was an accident at first I was sad and angry I had just gotten back from a meeting with Simon and I don't really want to talk much about it but the main thing is he told me I shouldn't be so Louis anymore

What the fuck does that even mean

How can I stop being so Louis and I am Louis

Anyways I walked out the meeting and I needed to do something I didn't know what but there was just so many feelings and I needed to get them out so as I was walked outside I saw a big oak tree

I don't know what made me do it but I just punched it, my knuckles started bleeding and I went back to my hotel room to wash it and try and get it covered before anyone saw.

But as I sat in the bathroom watched the blood run off my hand, mixing with the water before disappearing down the sink  it felt like all the emotions that were trapped in my body were being washed out.

It felt good....slightly painful but I felt like I deserved that

It wasn't until a few weeks later when I saw a post about me and Harry that I did it again but this time it was definitely on purpose I wanted a way to let the feelings out my body so I took the blade from my razor and gently ran it across my arm.

I didn't cut deep or too much because that wasn't the aim, I didn't want to hurt myself at first it was just to let my feeling have a way to escape.

But now....

Now the pain is a reason I feel like all of this is my fault, so I cut to let the emotions out but now I go deeper to get the pain that I deserve

I know it's bad but I can't stop

It was only going to be on my arms because I can cover that with a hoodie but now its everywhere, wherever I can get to first theres loads on my arms but now also on my legs and even on my stomach....I'm sorry

I don't know why I'm apologising but I feel like I have to

The boys are swimming right now in the hotel pool but I can't really do that now since I need to cover everything, so when they do that I tell them I'm calling my family which I do I just also sit and write in this.

I should probably go get ready for the show tonight.

He hid the diary as usual and went over to the wardrobe, he flicked through his clothes and picked out jeans and a long sleeved sweater he was so happy it was winter because it was easy to get away with wearing long sleeves.