Date Night Stories

My Last Letter To My Lover

The day started off better than most and I carried on with my usual routine. Only today felt a little different. Today felt somewhat familiar, the feeling of the morning felt different as I started to prepare the ingredients I need to try that new pasta recipe I found on Facebook.

Today, I remembered my mom getting me up for kindergarten, she took great care of me when I was younger. The mornings were quiet and peaceful. She would wake me up and I would always give her a hard time because I despised the mornings when I was younger. I wanted to sleep in and snuggle into my warm covers.

The sun rises before 6am but it would still be pitch black outside whenever we would get up. The mornings were cold and I always had a bath. We didn't have any heater and so mom always had to boil water on the stove and she would pour that into a bucket half filled with cold water. It was enough to wash me and rinse me. Sometimes I was good and sometimes I gave her a really hard time. But most times, we were quiet and still adjusting to being awake. She always packed me food for recess.

It's either a sandwich or some crackers. I remember my mom in these little moments even though she was always there even for the big moments. It's the moments I have with her that I can never get back. I remember praying to God when I was four because I wanted my parents to live with me forever. At the age of 22, I still want them to be around forever.

This morning felt different as I cooked my food, as I sat down to eat, as I washed the dishes and prepared my lunch. All I could remember feeling was that feeling I had when I was child and I would wait for my mom to boil the water as I napped on the sofa. That quiet, peaceful feeling.

As I got older, that feeling went away and that little short nap I try to acquire before getting up to start my day gives me anxiety. So it was really nice to feel so at peace and start my day off like that.

Today was different, because I was different. The past few years of my life had been one of the hardest and also one of the happiest moments of my life. I struggle a lot with wanting to disappear from this world. I struggled a lot being with myself. I struggled a lot, allowing myself to be happy.

There had been a handful of times that I was close to successfully disappearing but I have not fully succeeded. And most of the items, I am thankful because I didn't. I'm thankful to see another day, like today. I'm thankful for the breath I am able to take. I am thankful for the life I am blessed to have.

But there are days when I wished I successfully disappeared. There's days when I wish I could disappear right there and then. I even resorted to temporary solutions that aren't really solutions. I have not been very good at staying clean but I've done a pretty good job the past few weeks. It's been hard and painful staying around.

Because sometimes it can be overwhelming and it feels like no one can understand. How lonely it feels and how emptying it is. There's bursts of productivity and long periods of just feeling so drained.

I have been studying all my life. I started school at the age of 3 and I'm nearing the age of 23 but I'm still here. I can't help but feel like a failure.. I can't help but feel that I bring nothing but disappointment to my family. I am unemployed and I am terrified. I am tired and I know others have it worse than me. And I know I have it better than most. That I shouldn't complain.

It's hard being happy when all I know is how easily it can be taken away. I know life isn't about staying happy but more so choosing to be happy. But why is it so hard? Why is it so difficult? Because I used to be so happy and so full of life but now I'm just a shell of who I used to be.

Today I broke my phone screen, and I realized I haven't been taking very good care of it. I felt very sad about that. I still can use it and I can still get things done with it... I should just take better care of it from now on.