Since we were 18

Chapter 20

"Gusto mo rin ba ako?"

My lips parted.

Nanatili ang malalalim niyang titig sa akin ngayon, bakas sa mukha niya na seryoso siya sa sinasabi niya.

"This is not the right time to ask me about that." I said.

His jaw clenched. "I just want to know."

I don't think I like him easily just like that. Ilang linggo pa lang para masabi ko na gusto ko na siya, I don't want to force myself to like him fast.

"I don't know.." lito kong sagot.

I just said the truth instead of lying. I'm bewildered right now, I want to explore more first before I decide for myself.

"You don't know? Then why did you kissed me?" his voice cracked.

I looked away from him. I felt his large hand touching my hand. Pinagsiklop nito ang kamay namin.

"You like me." he said.

I shook my head. "I don't know, I'm just confused. Maybe you are just confused too. Masiyado kasing mabilis, do you get me?" litanya ko.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay niya at dahan-dahan niyang binitawan ang pagkakahawak sa kamay ko. Nakatungo siya ngayon at habang pinagmamasdan ko siya ng ganito ay nakakaramdam ako ng awa, awa para sa sarili ko at para sa kaniya.

"You can't like me in just weeks, Trevor. Do you understand, nadala ka lang ng siguro sa nararamdaman mo at gaya mo, nadala lang ako sa emosyon na pinapakita at pinaparamdam mo." I added.

His bloodshot eyes caught my attention. "Don't you think I will take a risk if I don't fucking like you huh?"

"You can't take a risk for a person who is not like you, Trevor." I said.

Umangat ang labi niya at tiim bagang tumingin sa akin.

"Then what are you, Alexandro? Tell me."

Huminga ako ng malalim bago sumagot sa kaniya. "I'm straight."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You kissed me, Alex. Who's on earth will kiss a guy if he's a straight? Admit it!" halos sumigaw na siya ngunit pinigilan lang nito ang sarili na marinig ang pinag-u-usapan namin.

"Can't I just explore because I'm new in this thing?" my brows raised.

Matalim niya akong tinignan ngayon.

"Fuck that exploring of yours! I'm not a toy that you can't use anytime." he said coldy.

Pumikit ako nang mariin, hindi ko alam kung paano ko sa kaniya ipapaliwanag sa paraan na mauunawaan niya.

"You should understand me, Trevor."

"I just want an assurance.." nabasag ang boses niya.

I don't want him to give false hopes just like Kuya Laslo said. I think this is way more better. I need to know first myself before giving him an assurance that he wants.

He stood up, and before he passes me, I held his wrist.

"Can we just stay like this for now?" I asked.

Hindi siya sumagot.

"We are good right? Yes.. we are alright." bumaba ang boses ko.

He shook his head and walked upstairs to return to my brother's room.

I know this is ridiculous for him, but can't he understand that I want to be sure first before taking a risk with him? I'm still new in these things, yet he is forcing me. Mahirap, oo. Hindi lang din naman siya ang nasa sitwasyon na ganito, parehas kami.