Listen Before I go

Received

Clay flopped into bed trying his hardest to keep back the tears that he knew what come rushing out anyways. Why didn't he hide it before his mom came? I'm such a fucking idiot.

His tears were falling onto his pillow, he tried to take deep breaths to calm himself but half of them weren't even breaths, more just shaky half breaths. He dragged his body out of bed and grabbed his guitar. It used to calm him right? Maybe it would calm him now too. His hands were shaky but he managed to start playing. Some of the chords being off but the beautiful sound he missed playing made him feel safe. It calmed him. He tried to swipe the thoughts from his mind but every so often he would remember how much more this is going to fuck everything up. He continued to strum the strings and let the warm tears run down his cheeks. He started humming along with the melody and soon starting to sing random lyrics. 

"I can't believe it's been all these years, I can't believe I've cried all these tears. My friend tell me I should've moved on. A long, long time ago but what do they know? What do they know?" He strummed the strings. The sound of his voice mixing with the melody. "And I don't mean to be selfish, but my heart breaks every time, that I see you smile. And I know that It's not me who brings it out of you, anymore. You found somebody new, you put me in the past. I don't even know if our memories will last. But if by chance, it doesn't work out with him. You'll always have a chance, with me and my world." He could feel the tears rushing down faster but he kept singing. He needed this. He needed to calm himself. "I wonder what happens when you hear our song. Do you brush it away or do you sing along? Do you talk about the future the way we did? Is there room for me in it? Is there room for me in it? And I don't mean to be selfish, but my heart breaks every time that I see you smile. And I know that it's not me, who brings it out of you, anymore. You found somebody new, you put me in the past. I don't even know if our memories will last. But if by chance, it doesn't work out with him. You'll always have a chance with me and my world." Clay quickly wiped the tears flowing from his eyes and continued to strum. "Is it so wrong of me to hope he breaks your heart? Is it so wrong of me to pray he tears you apart? And I know that in the darkest part of you, you pray and wish for it too. Cause you don't mean to be selfish, but your heart breaks every time you see me smile. Cause you know that it's not you, who brings it out of me, anymore. You found somebody new, you put me in the past, I don't even know if our memories will last. But if by chance, it doesn't work out with him. You'll always have a chance with me and my world."

Woah. Did he really just come up with all of that on the spot? I guess so.

He put his guitar down next to him on his bed and wiped the rest of the tears off his face. He thought maybe telling someone would help? Get the stress he's dealing with off his chest. He grabbed his phone and texted Sapnap. "Hey, wanna VC? Something happened."

"Oh shit. Yeah yeah, gimme a second" He replied quickly. Clay turned on his computer and called Sapnap.

"Hey Dream!" Sapnap said excitedly.

"Hey, dude." Clay replied.

"So what's up? What did you need to talk about?"

"Okay well basically, remember how I told you about that dumb letter I wrote out to George but I was never gonna send it because I was too scared?"

"Mhm, mhm"

"Well, my mom came and visited earlier today. And as dumb as this sounds I addressed the letter to George because why not. Well, my mom thought I was supposed to send it so she took it and sent it out for me. And I can't tell her what happened. So now there's a letter about all of my feelings in the mail on the way to George. I have absolutely no fucking idea how he's gonna react and this might just make things 10 times worse. It'll probably make things worse. And I definitely wasn't the nicest I could have been in it so uhm that's cool too. Anyways I'm stressed and I just played the guitar and wrote a whole song from a melody."

"Okay first, since when do you play the guitar again? You haven't played since, well since we met" Sapnap laughed. Clay returning the gesture.

"But besides, that really sucks man. I'm sorry that happened. I'm not sure of what I could do because I can't tell George just to like, not read it. So I would just say let him read it and see what it does. I mean you never know it could make him think about it and choose you over that dick Colt."

"Doubt it. But there's a tiny tiny chance. Anyways like I said I've been really stressed and absolutely nothing can take my mind off of it. So yeah"

"We can just chill and game for a while, hopefully, that'll get your mind off it for a little."

"Alright let's do that. What do you wanna play?"

"You choose"

Clay chose Valorant and they played for a couple of hours. Laughing and talking about random stuff. It did take his mind off everything. Obviously not completely but better than anything else. They played for longer and soon it was almost 4 AM. "Holy shit Sap, it's almost 4. I gotta go sleep omg" Sapnap laughed in return and they said their goodbyes before disconnecting from the discord call. 

Clay dragged himself to his bathroom to brush his teeth and brushed his hair. As much as he probably needed to sleep, he wasn't tired. He walked back into his room and sat back down at his desk. He figured Youtube would be nice to watch. He opened Youtube and decided maybe it wouldn't be the smartest thing if he watched one of his and George's videos again. He clicked onto Bad's channel and decided he might as well watch that. He clicked on the latest video and sat back in his chair. His room was completely dark except for his computer being the only light source. Patches walked into the room and jumped up into his lap. "Patches!" Clay whispered and pet his cat. A small smile forming on his face, for once he wasn't thinking about all the shit happening at the moment. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Authors note- Hey everyone! I am genuinely so sorry for not uploading for the past two or so weeks but I've been busy and stressed and trying to keep up with my TikTok. I kinda tried a new format and everything so uh bare with me while I try new things and try to make stuff better and more organized for y'all. I have state testing for the next two weeks so I'll either end up writing to try and de-stress or I'll try to actually study and everything lmfao. I'm also gonna start uploading every time I get a chapter done rather than waiting a week. Next chapter is fun and I've enjoyed writing it so far so I'm excited to post that. Anyways time to go play bedwars and fail. Thank you, guys, :D Vote?

TikTok- k..notfound 

xoxo k :]