Celestine
This is toxic. I stared at his sleeping face while brushing his hair with my finger tips. Sometimes, there are things better kept than said. But how would I even leave this kind of man?
I'm in that thin line between hope and giving up. Ni wala akong kasiguraduhan kung malalabanan ko pa ba ang sakit ko o hindi.
Nang masigurado kong tulog na talaga siya ay kinumutan ko siya bago ako tahimik na tumayo. Dumiretso ako sa banyo upang maghugas ng mukha ngunit mukhang hindi ata magandang napapunta pa ako sa harapan ng salamin. In front of me is a woman I don't even know who. A woman with a lot of fears. A woman with a stain. Unhealthy. Unfit. A woman in sorrow. Someone who's weak and cannot even make a good decision for herself. At may mga pasang pilit na tinatago.
I breathed in before taking out my phone. Three rings and someone answered.
" Hello Celestine" It was my doctor's voice.
" I'm ready to take my treatments, Doc. Whatever it takes. I will fight" I muttered. Tears pooling down my eyes. Sino bang mag-aakalang puso ko ang nagsasalita ngayon at hindi ang sarili kong utak. I am a doctor but I believe in the power of the heart's own language. And right now, I ought to acknowledge it.
" Oh my god Celestine. Salamat naman at natauhan ka na. It's nine in the evening but I will consider this as my best consulting time of the day. Tomorrow, meet me at my clinic. We will schedule your first chemotherapy session. We will also start your tablets and other diagnostics." Ramdam ko ang saya sa boses ng sarili kong doktor.
Sometimes, it takes guts to make such decision.
I washed my face and did my night routine. Bumalik ako sa sala upang kumutan ng maayos si Caden. I was about to leave when I felt his hand on my wrist. Ang higpit ng pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko.
" Celestine" He muttered my name in his sleep.
" Matulog ka na Doc. You'll need sleep for your patients tomorrow" My voice was low.
He pulled me more and positioned me on top of him.
" Ca-caden" Wala sa sarili kong wika sa pangalan niya.
" Mmhhm dito ka lang sa tabi ko, Mahal" He muttered still in deep sleep. Amoy na amoy ko tuloy ang mabango niyang pabango. He smelled manly. He smelled so good despite the fact that he came from a very long day in the hospital.
It made me stared at his facial features this close. Sobrang tangos ng ilong niya. His lips were so perfect. Ang haba ng pilik mata niya. Sinong babae ang ipagpapalit ang ganito kaguwapong lalaki? How I wish we met in the right time. How I wish I still have longer time with him.
" Baka matunaw ako niyan Mahal" He whispered. My eyes widened. He's awake.
Inalis ko ang pagkakapulupot ng mga kamay niya sa bewang ko at umalis sa ibabaw niya.
" Salbahe!" I told him. He smiled.
" Parang hindi ka guwapong guwapo sa akin kanina ah." He winked.
Akala ko tulog, tulug tulugan lang pala. Inayos ko ang sarili pagkaalis sa pagkakapatong ko sa kaniya.
" Kung wala kang balak magpahinga, go home." Walang puso kong wika sa harapan niya
" You heartless woman. Nilalambing na nga, bato parin ang puso." Bulong niya sa sarili na dinig ng tainga ko.
" May sinasabi ka"
" Nothing. Guni guni mo lang iyon Mahal" Mahal? Kailan pa.
" Don't use that kind of endearment on me doctor. Sinasabi ko sa 'yo Ibarra" Untag ko. Napangisi lamang ito sa akin.
" I actually don't want to sleep yet. Gusto pa kitang makausap. You might have a lot to tell me. I wanna know how's your day. Gusto kong magkuwento ka sa nangyari sa araw mo" He told me. I sighed.
" Wala ako sa mood magkuwento. And there's nothing special about my day Ibarra" Umusog siya ng konti para magbigay ng espasyo para sa akin.
" Upo ka sa tabi ko" Parang bata niyang aya sa akin.
Nagdalawang isip pa ako
" Come on, Celestine. Wala akong gagawin. Kahit gusto pa kitang halikan nalang hanggang umaga. I'll behave" Parang hindi kapanipaniwala ang mga pinagsasasabi niya sa akin.
" Sa pagmumukha mong iyan, sa tingin mo ba maniniwala pa ako sa 'yo?" I told him.
" You have to. Hindi kita lolokohin. Pipikutin lang" He looked at me with a grin on his face.
" Halika nga dito" Bulong niya. Hindi ko alam kung anong inisip ko pero automatikong gumalaw ang katawan ko at umupo sa tabi niya. Niyakap niya ang kaniyang mga kamay sa bewang ko bago inihiga ang ulo niya sa balikat ko.
" Pasensha ka na kung masyado kitang iniistorbo. I don't know what's wrong with me. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay gusto ko palagi kitang nakikita. Palagi kitang nayayakap. Palagi kitang kasama. With you I feel in peace. That despite the emergency situations in the hospital, I still can handle everything. Dahil alam kong may ikaw na uuwian ako." He breathed. I felt like he was breathing my own scent. His act was making me uncomfortable. Kung tutuusin, sobrang intimate ng ginagawa niya ngayon sa akin.
" Hulog na hulog na ako, Mahal. I didn't know I could care for a woman this way." He whispered more.
" Parang di ka heartbroken ah. Sa pagkakaalam ko, you just came from a break up, Doctor. It's imposible and very unbelievable that you get to move on this fast. Huwag mo akong lokohin. Hindi porket may nangyari sa akin ay nakalimutan mo ng may babae ka sa nakaraan" I told him honestly.
" It wasn't about the making love, Celestine. It was more than that. Alam kong ramdam mo rin. Kahit hindi ko sabihin. We both know that there's something going on between us. You might be new to this feeling but I am too. I have never felt such concern towards a woman. Sayo lang" Ang seryoso niyang kausap ngayon.
Bumuntong hinga ako.
" Lalim ah. Don't worry, maghihintay naman ako. I understand that you are still weighing things. But I want you to know that I will always be at your side. Gaya ng sinabi ko. Manliligaw ako. I'm serious about courting you, Celestine." My eyes darted on his. Nagkatitigan kaming pareho bago siya tipid na ngumiti. Napakamot pa ito sa batok niya.
" You don't believe me don't you?" He whispered.
Nagkakamali ka, Ibarra. Sa katunayan, natatakot ako. Natatakot ako dahil nahuhulog na ako sa 'yo. Napipikot na ako sa simple mong pagngiti at iyung mabulaklak mong salita.
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