A Little Help Along The Way

red is for people who stand out (65)

Thank you for all your patience <3

Trigger warning- mentions of ED and calories 

Id woken up late. It was the morning after I got my results back. It seemed that everyday that I was in this hospital I was wishing for this to all be a bad dream. The tests, the needles it all seemed so unreal. 

The prospect of dying never seems real until its staring you in the face. Even worse, the prospect of visually dying. We all die, everyone knows that. Every step you take you gamble your life and leave your breath in the nimble hands of fate. But its not something you think of when you walk down the street.

However, when you wake up with hair falling out and an IV tube sticking out your arm its harder to ignore. 

I hadn't told anyone yet,  But- my hair was starting to fall out, not a lot, not yet. But more than enough to be concerning.

It started about three days ago. I was in the shower and when I looked down there was a tangled mess of purple lying by the drain pipe. 

I don't know why I haven't told anyone yet, if anything I feel like the friends I've made here would understand the most.

My mouth felt dry as I got out of bed. I slipped on some shoes and gathered up a long sleeve shirt and  jeans in my arms. I wanted to use the showers before Sophia and the twins got here. 

The ward had gotten a soft start to the morning, nobody seemed to be having a big health day today so Ward 4's occupants were all lying in bed enjoying the rare quiet time. 

I checked the clock above the door. 11:47. visiting hours start at twelve and I'm sure Sophia is eager to check up on me. Surprisingly, she appeared to be really upset about my results yesterday.
 
I didn't mean for it to sound sarcastic or like she doesn't care, I knew she did. Or at least felt sympathy towards me, but I couldn't help being surprised. affection to me is so strange. 

My dad left when I was five, I hardly even remembered what he looked like. Ruby blamed me for it. A whole ten years she gave me hell, both emotionally and sometimes physically. 

To me, being cared for was strange, to someone else it may be normal but that's how my life had always been. 

Its like stepping into a warm bath with cold feet. The temperature is actually normal, enjoyable even. But you've grown so used to being cold the water feels hot to you, its uncomfortable. You end up shying away from it entirely just because your perception was shifted.

And its not my fault that I wasn't cared for, that's something that took me a very long time to understand. It's not my fault Ruby shunned me and hurt me. 

It wasn't my fault I was cold and the water felt hot to me. Its just beacuse thats all I knew. But little by little I was shown that being cared for wasn't something I should have been afraid of. 

I yawned. It hurt my throat. That's something I'd begun to get used to, too. Every action that I did in a day, ended up hurting. Eating, drinking and sometimes even just swallowing was uncomfortable. 

The doctors mentioned something along those lines. Because the cancer sat in the lining of my throat it would become difficult to do everyday things. They even warned me that if it got too bad I might have to be fed nutrients through an IV tube. 

I didn't want it to get there. But the treatment took everything out of me. Without radiation the only option I had was chemo. And chemo exhausted me. I wouldn't be surprised if the chemo killed me before this stupid tumor. 

The water switched on with a fizzle, the sound of air escaping from the pipes sounded behind the shower wall.

Striping off my clothes I stood under the steaming water. The water pressure was weak and turned cold near the end but I showered and thats all I wanted.