A Little Help Along The Way

Troubled Thoughts And The Self Esteem To Match

Triggers warnings: suicidal thoughts and self harm

I jerked awake to find myself drenched in a cold sweat. My heart raced as Lily's voice echoed in my head.

All your fault

All your fault

It's all your fault!

Tears pricked in my eyes as I tucked the hair in my face behind my ears. The sickly sweet smell of alcohol drifted up the stairs. For a second I thought I was back with my mother. A new type of fear entered me. Had this been a dream the whole time? I quickly debunked that thought as I looked around the room. The plain white bedding and the dusk purple curtains brought me back.

I could still feel my heart beating fast, as if I had been running. It was hard to breathe, as if smoke was filling my lungs. I could still feel the heat from the fire warming my skin. It was all too real. I needed to feel something.

Lifting myself off the bed I walked to the bathroom. It was dark and all the upstairs passage lights were off. Putting my arms out in front of me I felt for the light switch. Hearing a soft click I was temporarily blinded by the harsh artificial light. Squinting my eyes I walked into the bathroom, my head flooded with thoughts and memories.

Crouching down I opened the cabinet doors and grabbed the single razor I'd found a couple weeks ago. I held it in the palm of my hand for a few seconds, watching the light bounce and reflect off it.

It's amazing how fragile life can be. One minute you can be driving to work and the next you could swerve off to the side of the road and be lying dead in your car. Sometimes I wonder if life is even worth the burden. Sure, I had thought about dying but I never thought I'd actually consider doing to. Holding the razor delicately in between my fingers I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

Closing my eyes I feel the sharp metal drag against my skin. Cringing at the thought of my own blood escaping I open my eyes. Staring down at the dreaded lines I start to cry. Hot tears stream down my face.

I missed her. I really fucken missed her. I wanted to hear her laugh again, I wanted to see her chocolate brown eyes sparkle again...I wanted her again.

Anger took over me as I added a line for anything I could think of.

It was all my fault
I'm making Gerards life harder
I'm making my own life harder
I could've saved her

I moved down to my thighs

I'm fat
I'm ugly
I should honestly just die
I don't have anybody to turn to.

I sat in the middle of the bathroom floor, sobbing hard enough for it to reach downstairs. My breathing was irregular to a point where I couldn't take in enough air. My head was becoming dizzy and I could feel the blood drip onto the floor. Standing up I rushed over to get something to stop the blood flowing out of me.

"Shit shit shit!" I whispered under my breath as the blood seeped through the toilet paper.

Wrapping my arms thick with toilet paper I sighed in relief. I seemed to have slowed down the bleeding. I didn't intend to go that far. It just happened.

Staring down at my legs I slid onto the cold tiles and put my head in my hands. Trying to control my breathing my head swam with thoughts and feelings.

Heaving an unsteady breath I stood up and gripped the sink for support. Looking out the bathroom window I saw Frank and Ray with drinks in their hands. The moon reflected off Franks lip ring, making the light dance whenever he spoke. I couldn't see Gerard anywhere, maybe he was inside. Bandit was sitting on the hanging chair under the tree looking up at the stairs and pointing out the brightest one to Lindsey.

I smiled sadly. "I'm gonna miss you Bandit" my voice was uneven and it came out in whispers and squeaks. Looking at her face one last time I turned away from the mirror.

I cleaned up the bathroom as I held back more tears. I left silently, switching the light off with a soft click behind me.

A/N
I'm on a roll tonight. 3 chapters published so far and I might be heading for 4. Imma see how many I can write without collapsing