A Little Help Along The Way

There's A Tear in My Heart

I sat on my bed for most of that day. Just thinking, staring at the wall. The guys came round to practice their set for the shows and all I could do was sit and listen. I felt powerless and out of control. I hated feeling useless. Once they played the same song over for the 29th time I got up to close my door. I really  thought that living with my litteral idol would be better then this. I just remembered crying a lot. Maybe it was better I was leaving them. Maybe it was better that I lost contact with them. Maybe it was better that I learned not to become attached to anything that breathes.

I sighed deeply and shut my curtains. Ripping them closed I caught a glimpse of two people walking their dog. A mother and daughter maybe. I watched them for a little longer. The younger one said something that caused them both to burst out in laughter. I clenched my jaw at the sight. I knew it petty to be jealous but I was. I couldn't help it.

I shut the curtains completely and changed into my pajamas that were actually just a pair of leggings and long sleeve shirt with the words 'Can You Not' written across it in big bubble letters. I walked to the bathroom to look at my face because the vanity was still broken (thanks to me)I pinched and pulled at different areas of my face, picking out what I liked and what I didn't. Leaning in closer I looked into my eyes, I saw myself staring back in the reflection of my pupils. I didnt even look like me anymore. I looked...

Dead.

Scrunching my face up I grabbed the brush lying down next to me and started to brush the unfortunate dry blonde hair. I looked down at the brush and pulled out an alarming amount of hair. I held it in the air in front of me.

"well that can't be good" I announced to my reflection

Pursing my lips I walked briskly back to my room  and picked up my ipod. Going into internet explorer I typed into the search bar:

'causes for extreme loss of hair'

I know you should never Google your symptoms but I continued anyway.

Life vicissitudes, including illness, emotional trauma, protein deprivation (during strict dieting), and hormonal changes like those in pregnancy, puberty, and menopause may cause hair loss. Several health conditions, including thyroid disease, iron deficiency anemia, and secondary syphilis can cause major hair loss.

I scanned the paragraph. My eyes caught of the words 'protien deprivation'. I mean sure I wasnt the healthiest person alive but I didn't have an eating disorder. Yeah I havnt eaten in 3 or 4 days but that's not bad. It also said emotional trauma which I decided was probably the cause because protien deprivation did not apply to me and I don't think I had any of the other things.

Switching off my ipod, thinking about the new information I opened it again to check the time.

11:45 pm

It was getting late but I doubt Gerard would notice if I stayed up a little later. The guys had taken a break and were probably cracking open a beer, or their third. My ipod pinged and I immediately jumped to open it. It was a message from Lindsey.

Hi Taylor! Theres hardly any wifi at the holiday house Bandit and I are staying so I have no idea when you'll get this but I just wanted to let you know that Bandit says she misses you! She also said she can't wait to see you again but I don't have the heart to tell her that's might not be possible... It's such a shame you can't stay, we'll all definitely miss you though! I know Bandit will at least. Anyway have a safe trip and I wish you the best of luck.
Xox Lyn-z

Each word was like a stab in the heart. Bandit didn't know I would never get to see her again. I typed out a quick thank you and goodbye and switched the ipod off before I started crying.

Fuck. I was really gonna miss them. I didnt know what to do with myself, I sat there staring blankly at my walls. The sound of Mikey and Frank laughing and running solo lines blurred into nothing. I felt like crying but all I did was stare at my bare room.

I eventually fell asleep around 1am. The guys had stopped playing and I think it was just Gerard and Mikey downstairs watching TV.

I was terrified of what was going to happen and I was terrified that I'd never find somewhere that made me feel this safe.

A/N
stay safe. Wash ya fucken hands and wear a damn mask