A Little Help Along The Way

Opening Up.

the date is December 18th 2006

I watched Gee make his coffee from the kitchen table. Adding sugar he hummed quietly to himself. I gave a frustrated sigh at nothing in particular. I've been on edge for a while now, lashing out at stupid things.

Just yesterday the shower curtain got stuck halfway and I nearly ripped it off the rod. It wasn't like me to be short tempered at things, After all the years I tried to distance myself from my mother, the one thing I swore to never do was let my anger get out of hand, because I knew that's when I'd be like her.

"what's got you all mad?" asked Gee as he poured the boiling water into his mug.

"Nothing" I said dully

He frowned as he stirred his coffee. Sitting down opposite me, he took a sip of the steaming drink and looked at me expectently. When I said nothing and continued to sip on my water he raised an eyebrow.

"Come on Taylor" He encouraged "You can't be mad at nothing, if your eyebrows were any closer you'd be that famous painter with the unibrow"

I quickly raised my eyebrows as far as they could go and crossed my arms on the table.

"Is this any better?" I said sarcastically

He rolled his eyes and sipped his coffee. Setting the mug down he pulled out his ipod and tapped away at the brand new touch screen. This time it was his turn to scowl. He clicked his tounge and typed a fast response.

"What's got you all mad" I said trying to use Gee's question against him

"Oh, it nothing, just band stuff"

I pursed my lips and tried to read his expression.

"Would it help to talk?" I offered knowing how much ranting can clear your head.

"No its fine" he insisted "I don't wanna burden you, you've already got a lot going on"

I smiled slightly and cleared my throat.

"I'll tell you if you tell me" I said soflty.

He gave me a side smile and nodded his head.

"I think I can live with that deal"

I wrung my hands nervously as he told me about the band. I was listening of course but I was also trying to decide what part I should tell him about. I've ruled out trying not to eat and the self hatred. I also decided not to tell him about Ruby or my dad, whom I never knew the name of.

That left Lily, the only safe option. Yet it was the most painful.

Gerard finished telling me about the band and wore a rather relieved look, as if a weight had been lifted.

"Your turn" he said, turning his full attention towards me.

I swallowed nervously and avoided looking Gerard in the eyes. I rested my hands on my lap. Fiddling with my fingers I tried to find a good place to begin.

"Uh... So- as you know I lost someone really special to me" My voice broke slightly at the mention on lily.

"Well, she was uh... Actually my girlfriend"

I bit my lip dreading Gee's response. I'd spent my whole life knowing people that hated me for dating a girl, for being able to love a girl. My own mother was even one of them.

"That's fine" he said with a small smile.

A wave of relief washed over me. I couldn't help smiling. I kept talking about Lily, more openly now.

I told Gee about how we died her hair in the school bathroom during lunch and how, on the rare occasions that I was able to sneak out,  we went to the local park and fed the pigeons.

I said all of this with tears in my eyes. Reliving my best memories with her was like pouring out my heart. Lily was my world and it felt so good to talk so freely about how much I loved her.

"She was amazing" I said through a sigh. "I just wish I had more time"

My voice broke as I said that. I didn't mean to make the conversation sad. I just wanted to tell Gee about all the great things I had gone through with her. Instead, I saw the burning building. I knew Lily had been trapped inside. Maybe if I had been braver I couldn't done something to save her but in the moment I couldn't think. I dont belive I can ever stop blaming myself for what happened that day.

The last thing I ever said to her was so dull, so hurtful. I abandoned her, and now the last memory I have of hearing her voice is filled with so much anger, so much regret. She begged me not to hang up, not to leave her. But that's exactly what I did. I hung up on the one person that truly loved me.

"I was there..." I whispered, seeing the flames in my mind "And I didnt do anything to help her, I'm never forgiving myself for that"

Gerard's face fell. He reached out his hand towards mine and held it tightly.

"Its not your fault. I promise you it's not your fault"

Bitter and angry tears fell down my cheeks. How could Gerard know that? how could he lie so blatantly to my face?

"The worst thing you can do" he continued. "Is blame yourself for something that you had no control over, because it will kill you from the inside."

I wiped the tears off my face and stared at him. Sighing in defeat I let go of his hand.

"I know" I muttered

We sat in silence for a bit, Gee staring at the now cold contents of his coffee mug while I watched my glass of water refract warped light onto the table.

I thought about what Gee had said. Maybe one day I could forgive myself but for now I'd let the guilt consume me, I was done trying to fight my way to the surface.