TW⚠️ self harm
Beyoncé
"Baby I'm home!!" I had just got from the mall because I wanted to buy Nicki some gifts, it wasn't a holiday or anything but she deserves it and so much more so why not. "Oh hi girlfriend." Dexter walked up to me with these big as glasses on and one of my hoodies. "Aww look at those bifocals." I chuckled plucking the bottom of the glasses.
"Stoooopp." Seeing Dexter whine was always the cutest thing, scratch that seeing Dexter do anything was so cute because Nikas eyes were already cute but with the glasses making them look big so she looked like "🥺" and it was so cute. "Ok ok, I'll leave you alone." I put my hands up in surrender and started walking to the kitchen. "Yea because you were about 5.853 seconds from getting a beat down." This time I couldn't even try told hold in my laughter.
"Now Dex yk you did not have to say all that wit' yo' extra ass." We both laughed as I sat the gifts I had bought on the kitchen island. "Who do those belongs to?" She questioned pointed at the gifts. "Those are for you baby." Her eyes immediately lit up. "Yayyy thank you baby." She ran over to the bags and started opening them. "Your welcome sweat pea." As I took a seat on the stool at the island I seen a little brown book in the middle. "Baby is this book yours?" I asked as I picked it up.
"Oh-um yea." By her voice I could tell it was Nicki who I was talking to. She came over and tried to snatch it from my hands but I didn't give her a chance to. "What's in it?" She glared at me with the evilest look of them all. "I don't wanna talk about it, give me my fucking book Beyoncé." She raised her voice. "You better calm the fuck down Onika I didn't do anything but ask you a question." I raised my voice to match hers. "Well I don't wanna answer that question can you give my stuff Gisselle." Ohhh so that's what we on now I thought to myself.
"Ok Tanya I'm not about to keep doing this shit with you." I gave her the book and walked off.
Onika
As she stormed off I started to feel really bad. She had just got me a bunch of nice gifts for me and all I did was yell at her. Reflecting on that altercation made tears form in my eyes and eventually I was sobbing. As I sat there still beating myself up about what had happened I heard keys and quick foot steps. "I'm going ou-." Beyoncé froze in the doorway of the kitchen.
An aggravated expression soon came to her face as she looked at me. "Why are you crying, I should be the one crying you were the one talking to me crazy and yelling at me because I asked you a simple question!" She yelled so harshly that it made me jump. "I-I'm sorry I di-." I tried to explain. "No! Don't even say you didn't fucking mean to. You know I've been trying my best to not over react when you do this cause I know what you've went through but the shit is getting old and worn out!" I continued to cry as she started ranting.
"Pl- please stop y-yelling at m-me." She only sighed. "I'm going out." She walked out and I cried harder watching her walk away instead of staying and talking it out with me.
Beyoncé
I sat with my friend Kehlani and when I tell this girl had every type of liquor that was ever made I meant it. You couldn't come to her house with out at least taking a shot but I didn't mind I needed a shot... maybe 20. Only problem with being at her house was that she never stopped hitting on me and it made me a little uncomfortable.
"So what's wrong beautiful?" She asked as she started rubbing my thigh and even though I was a bit tipsy I was still coherent and I immediately moved her hand. "Um just Some things between me and my girlfriend I don't really want to get into that right now though can we take some more shots." I rushed out.
"I didn't mean to be intrusive pretty lady." As I had asked she handed me another shot. "No no it's not that I just don't wanna kill the vibe." She nodded before throwing a shot back.
3:00am
Onika
Laying on the couch looking through my music book with only Beyoncé on my mind. It was so late and she still hadn't came back so I'm guessing she'll just be back tomorrow. I stopped my thoughts abruptly as I came across a page from 2012.
Spirit of Marilyn callin' me, audibly
Bawling, she said that she would never leave,
Continue to torture me
Tellin' me to come with her,
Underneath my comforter
And she brought a gun with her, pills,
And some rum with her
Took me on the balcony, tellin' me to jump
With her.
Remembering how broken I was during this time made me wanna cry. Don't get me wrong I'm not perfect now but I'm better I think. I refuse to cry and feel sorry for myself some more just try to get better, though I don't even know why I try when all that does is make me fuck up everything. I probably don't even have a girlfriend now thanks to me.
As I thought these things I got the sudden urge to hurt myself but I just had to remember what Lala always tells me "Self Control" so I got up and went to the bathroom where my pills were. But Before I could get my pills my reflection caught my attention.
You're ugly. I hate you. You ruin everything. You should just kill yourself. Why are you even still alive. No ones gonna ever take you serious you should just give up while you're ahead. You're fat. Beyoncé is probably only with you because she feels bad for you. No one would ever want someone like you.
The bad thoughts rushed in and I freaked out and punched the mirror. My hand started shaking and my breaths became so hard and short that I was basically wheezing as I looked at the blood on my hand. In that moment all of the self control I had been working on for years flew out the window. I grabbed a piece of glass from the sink and I started viciously slicing the skin on my risk.
Tears started to mix with my blood as I got this almost euphoric feeling from the fresh wounds that had just been cut into my risk.
"Oh my god Onika what hell are you doing stop!!" Beyoncé's voice ring in my ears but I didn't respond I was slowly drifting away to a state of peace.
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This chapter probably really sucks but good news now that I'm out of school for the summer I can give more of my attention to my books and possibly update "Life" again I'm not sure cause I kinda got writers block for that book but I'll try❤️
