Lesbophobia

2

I look into the mirror, brushing my right hand through my messy collection of brown, curly hair. It is wild and unpredictable, but so am I at sometimes. So maybe my hair fits me? 

I don't know, I don't really care. All I care about is getting it out of my face and being able to do my makeup. I grab my eyeliner and open it, quickly putting the liquid on my eyelid and making a sort of a wing, I could imagine it looked like actual decent makeup... from a long distance. 

After I am done I put on some mascara and curl my lashes. I know, I know, I should curl them before I put on mascara. I put on my favourite, worn out leather jacket and black jeans. My shirt is white. I basically am a walking black and white picture. No literally, my skin is so pale I am in need of some sunlight.

Luckily there's my favourite lipstick to save me from having a complete black and white face. It's dark red. Now that I look at it, I need to buy a new one soon. I run out of lipstick the way I run out of coffee: too fast.

I grab my backpack from my bed and walk downstairs. I make myself some french toast and put some Nutella on it. Not exactly the best breakfast, but I have my Nutella and it is the love of my life. No doubts about it. Whatever woman I may marry, I will always love Nutella more.

I put on my black shoes - shoes are always black if I buy them, always - and button up my dark blue coat. My leather jacket is part of my outfit so coat over jacket. It is soon spring, but it's still pretty cold outside.

When I arrive at school I throw away the coffee I got while I was on my way and walk inside. It smells... like sweat and chalk. Why does school smell so nasty? I don't want it to smell nasty, I want the fresh scent of butterflies and flowers and sunshine and... these thoughts make me sad. They remind me of my first crush. Well, she is still my crush, after all those freaking years. I must be in damn love with her if I still feel like my eyes change into those heart eyes from that one emoji you have on your phone. Like the one that you use when you talk about Nutella? Yeah, that one.

There she is. Her hair is straight and black and she is wearing grey skinny jeans and a flower print blouse. She isn't even wearing any makeup and still looks like a model. You she's a true beauty when she isn't wearing any makeup and looks that good. Her face is oval and she has high cheekbones. Her eyes are bright blue, even though we've known each other for years those eyes are still the brightest and bluest I have ever seen.

I am staring, shit I am. Look away Rosie, look away. It's not she is ever gonna be interested in you. She is so into guys, it almost makes physically sick.

She walked off to class while I was putting books in my locker. I stared again, you can't blame me. This is what a crush makes you do.

What am I even doing here? Why haven't I walked up to Marnie, the girl I am in love with, and told her what I feel for her. Oh yeah, because I am afraid of what people might say to me. Everyone already knows I am into girls and I am not ashamed of being who I am and loving who I love, but I am scared of other people. Other people are never nice. 

I may seem fierce on the outside, but I am a softie on the inside. I keep that wall up to protect myself from the nasty words I get. It's the only way I survive, the only way I don't give up. The only way I can keep my love for her to myself.

"I love you," I whisper while I look at her laughing at a joke someone said. She belongs to my group of friends, but I don't talk much to her anymore. She looks me in the eye and I think she can see it, because she blinks in confusion and  looks away.

Seems like I have screwed up my life officially.