Lesbophobia

3

Warning: this is not a happy chapter; there's a lot of self negativity and anxiety.

***

I sit on the pavement beside the school, knees pulled up and forehead leaning against them. I don't know how I've ever  been strong. I don't know if I can carry on. I can't live this way any longer. I can't have people staring at me, insulting me, whispering nasty things about me behind my back. 

Why? Maybe it sometimes is better to never ask why. Would you want to know the reason someone is hurting you? Would it make the situation worse or better? Would you try to better yourself so they stop hurting you, resulting in them being even more cruel? You wouldn't, if you had known that beforehand you would never even have gone to that place. You would have never dared to be yourself. You would want to spare yourself from all the pain, but it would result in you getting depressed as well, because you wouldn't be able to be yourself. 

Either way, you're just completely fucked. 

It starts raining. Heavy rain coming down on me, making my hair stick to my neck and head and my coat soaked. Within a couple of minutes not only my coat is soaked, my whole body is. But I don't care. I don't care, at least no one can see me cry now. No one can see how misunderstood and mistreated I feel. I feel so numb and tiny. I can't fucking help it that I prefer girls over boys! It's all so complicated, I don't get how I made it so far. My heart is filled with sorrow, hatred, love. But this love doesn't make me happy. I feel just more sad. She is straight and I am not. I am in love with her and she is not in love with me.

I look up at the sky and scream. I yell my lungs out. Not that anyone can hear me, the rain is washing the noise away and no one is around. Why would anyone hit the streets with this weather.

"Fuck!" I say and I pull at my hair with my hands. I am  done with it. I just don't want to be here any longer. I don't want to die, but I also don't want to be here for even a minute anymore. I want to move somewhere where I won't be judged and I can have my happily ever after. Can I have the Beast to my Belle? The Shrek to my Fiona? 

Even I laughed at Shrek and Fiona.

But anyway, no, there is no one. No one fucking cares. There is no such thing as meeting your soulmate when you're in your deepest of sadness. No one will come and fucking save you. You will have to make things better yourself. It's not okay to sit around and wait for someone to help you. Your life isn't a fucking fairy tale. Get over it and get over it now.

It is silent around me. The rain is pouring down, making all sounds vanish. There are no cars or people, there is no one. Just a school with hiding students and a crying girl on the pavement. 

Just a crying girl on the pavement, I think that's a good description for me. I am no more. Yeah, I am me, Rosie, sad and still in love. It burns, it burns so bad. It burns in my chest, and it hurts. Loving someone hurts when they don't love you back, it hurts even more when you know they don't even support you being yourself and left you to rot.

I wrap my arms around my chest and hug myself tightly, trying to hold myself together. I don't think you can only get your heart broken when you come out of a relationship. I think you can get your heart broken by being all by yourself, having no one, and realizing that that isn't going to change any time soon.

"Silly Rosie.. Are you gonna give up, just a crying girl on the pavement? Are you gonna give up because your heart is broken? Are you that weak? Are you not strong enough? Are you crying because you're giving up? Just a girl crying on the pavement, you've outdone yourself this time. You made a fool of yourself once again. It burns you say? It hurts? How about you jump in a front of a train, that hurts. This, this doesn't hurt Rosie. Why wouldn't you ask them why? If you're brokenhearted anyway. What do you have to lose? Your reputation? I don't think it will change. Dignity? Did you have that anyway? You should get the hell over yourself Rosie. Just a girl crying on the pavement. Silly Rosie." 

I think I shouldn't talk to myself out loud for a while.

I think about all the things they have insulted me for. All the times I was pushed against the lockers and laughed at. All the times I was beaten up, all the times people pulled my hair back, out of my head. The time someone cut off a piece of my hair and I needed to cut it off shoulder length because she had fucked it up so bad (that was a year ago, my hair has grown back to its original length). I think about all the times I saw Marnie with a boyfriend. I think about that time long ago when she and I were best friends and she cried on my shoulder because her boyfriend had abused her. I remember when I came out and her bitchy friends convinced her I was bad influence on her. I remember when she left me, when she abandoned me.

"And I still love you," I whisper into nothing. I still love her. After every single little thing that happened, after everything everyone had put me through, after she left me, after her new best friend slapped me in the face because I had showed up in the locker room before p.e. class, after everything, I still love her. I will always love her. If I would believe in soulmates and fairy tales, she would be mine. She is my fucking soulmate. She is the sun to my moon. She is literally everything I used to live for and I think she still is. Her presence gives me strength to carry on. It's pathetic. But that's me. The pathetic lesbian who can't even bear to accept herself because no one around her does. She can't be happy because she depends on others to be happy. Just a girl crying on the pavement: that's me.