Lesbophobia

7

School's the same as it has been. I get a couple of nasty glares but that's about it. Every since my night with Luna, I know her name now, my crush on Marnie has been toning down. I still would fall right back into the habit of being able to love her with all that I have and am, but somehow I now look at her and think: 'why would I want someone who gave up on me when she knew who I really was?'

Which means I could actually talk to her for once.

I have texted Luna after that one night. I would join her group on Saturday to hang out and watch some movies and play some games. I was looking forward to it.

So as I walk the halls of the school on Friday afternoon, going to my last class, I realise maybe life isn't all bad. I walk into class and see Marnie sitting on one of the chair's in the back, my usual spot.

Sitting in the back of the classroom has all kinds of benefits. The teachers calls you out less, you can pay attention if you want to, but you can also play games on your phone. You can also give a stupid and not the whole class will look at you because the teachers want all the eyes on them so turning around isn't appreciated.

But now Marnie is sitting there... Why?

I sigh and decide to sit on of the empty chairs in front of her, while ignoring her presence completely. I put my book, notebook and a pen on the table. But I start tapping my pen anyway, not being able to hide my nervousness completely. Why is she suddenly bothering me?

Look let me explain: after it became public I am a "homosexual" no one wanted to have something to do with me. I sat in the back and the row in front of me was always empty. Everyone knew I sat in the back and since either they hated me or didn't want to seem lame to their friends and pretended to hate me, they let it be that way.

But she's sitting there. Why?

She doesn't say a thing the whole class, which annoys me even more for some reason. No one sits in my spot and then doesn't say anything.

Was I being possessive of a spot in the classroom? Whatever.

At the end of the class when the bell rings she says my name as everyone is packing their books and talking loudly about how much fun they're going to have at those über cool parties this weekend.

Note the sarcasm.

I turn around and look at her, I raise an eyebrow when she falls back in her chair.

"I wanted to tell you... I am sorry," she says and it catches me off guard. I blink a couple of times very fast and then remember I have mixed hate and like feelings for her. But somehow hate was winning, just when she wanted to make peace.

"Suree," I say and roll my eyes. I stand up when I zip up my bag and she flinches at my sudden movement. I roll my eyes and walk away. For a moment it's silent, but then she hurries after me.

"I would continue walking if I were you, you don't want to be seen hanging out with a gay like me," I say sarcastically and she grabs my arm. Even through my anger I feel the warmth of her touch and the butterflies it causes. I stare at her and don't notice people starting to stare at us.

"I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I don't understand why you won't believe I am sorry?" she asks softly while people stare and then walk on. I pull my arm loose and remind myself that she left me alone, to fight for myself when I was insecure about everything in my life.

"I could tell you but it would take all day and I don't have all day, I have got a life you know?" I said with a soft, but angry voice and she frowned.

"Well I just want you to know I am truly sorry for what I did and hope you forgive me one day. I know what I did was wrong, but you have to understand... I didn't want to lose my friends." I hold back my tears and take a deep, shaky breath.

"I was your friend!" I softly scream. Softly screaming is a thing now, apparently.

"I miss you," she mumbles and I push her away.

"I missed you, two years I did. I missed you, cried for you and fell apart because I lost my best friend. Because of a rumour I am gay? But since you didn't want to talk to me and needed me to scream it at the whole school when they showed that video at the school musical's opening night... whatever." She bites her lip and I realise that the more she talks, the less I like her. It's like every time she opens her her mouth, more and more butterflies die. She's killing them.

"What can I do to make it up?" she asks and I shake my head.

"There's nothing more to make up. Because there's nothing left between us." She lets her head hang and looks back up at me.

"I was living off of the past fantasy I had of you, but that's gone now. Because I thought you were different, but I realise you're just the same as all the other girls at this school. You're nothing out of the ordinary." That was more to myself, but when I realise she heard it, of course she heard, and tears were in her eyes I still felt guilty.

I pushed the guilt away. No. She left you because she heard someone say I was gay and instead of pulling me out of the lions den she left me, seasoning me a bit before leaving. I had to fight of the lions with everything I had. How do you win when it's you against a couple of lions?

"Unnecessarily rude," she says and I brush past her without touching her. I feel my heart in my chest, pounding like it's going to jump out and slap her face. Instead of slapping her I just go home.

I fall onto my bed and Luna's smell hits me. It's been a week, but suddenly I can smell it. Maybe because I need that comforting smell, maybe because I just want to imagine something comforting. But it calms me and makes me realise school is almost over, for good.