Lesbophobia

4

How often do you come across your soulmate? Right, there is like a chance of one in a million. And with my luck I will probably be alone my whole goddamn life.

I am the living version of self-pity, it's ridiculous. I don't understand why I can't just say "fuck whatever they say about me, I don't care anymore because I can't change who I am anyway". But I can't say that. And I think I know why: when no one else says it's okay to be yourself, you don't really get into the habit of thinking that.

There are so many songs about staying strong and believing in yourself. That you shouldn't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks about you. Well that's not how the real world works. You need people around you. People who support you. People who make you feel loved, accepted and just all around great about yourself. You need those people in your life. Humans are not solitary creatures, we live in groups. We need the group. Being alone for too long messes you up. But that's going to change, I don't want to be alone anymore. So tonight I am going out. I am sure I can get in. I can always try, can I not?

I stand up, I wipe my tears from my eyes and start heading home. I always walk to school. Walking is nice. Walking is better than going with the car, bus or on the bike. Walking gives my head time to sort everything out and free me from burdens I had to bear. I have a whole lot of burdens to bear, but I don't mind. I'd rather have responsibility than leave it to other people who will fuck it up anyway. 

How did it end up being so bad? I never imagined sharing this part of myself would cause this much misery in my life. Why is it such a big deal? Being a lesbian isn't that big of a deal, right? I wouldn't freak out if one of the boys was gay. I would congratulate him on releasing hell on himself. Congratulations pet, you're gonna get depressed and self conscious and your self esteem will descend to a new level of low you never know even existed. People will push you against the lockers, knock you in the face, maybe cut off your hair. They might even call you names! 

That was so negative, I am sorry. Let me please rephrase that: if one of my friends said he identified as a gay man, I would say alright. To me it's nothing strange. So I wouldn't really care. But if he needed mental support I would give that to him, of course I would support him. But people don't change for me just because of their sexual orientation.

I wonder if anyone in school had even thought about what it was like being gay, that maybe they thought that it was not a choice. Why would anyone choose this? I have known I was into girls since I was a little one myself. I have never had feelings for boys like girls in my grade did. I have kissed boys, but that was more because they wanted that or my friends wanted me to. As I said, I have never been sexually attracted to men, never, not once. 

Why must I feel so sad? I feel less than nothing. I feel like I am worth nothing, like I shouldn't even be on this planet. But I do want to be here. I want to live a life I deserve. Because I fucking deserve to live and to be accepted. I deserve it because I have been through hell and back. And I know I should stand up for myself, I just couldn't make myself. I couldn't make myself to stand up to Marnie and her posse.

Scruffy bitches. I hate them! I hate them so much! Why do they do this to me? I want to kill them! I want to fucking kill them!

Tears stream down my face and I wipe them away. I don't want this pain anymore. I don't want to feel locked up in my own thoughts and put away from the world, hidden, like I don't deserve to be here. Like I am less of a human than anyone else. I don't want to emote no more.

Then I think of Marnie.

I think of how beautiful she is and her bright blue eyes. How she gets a dimple in her right cheek when she laughs. She always brushes her hair out of her face, because it's bothering her sight. I am glad she does that, her face deserves to be seen.

I think about how her voice sounds, how she walks and how she snorts when something is really funny. She once laughed so hard at a joke she fell to the ground and held her stomach because it hurt from laughing. 

"Please come back to me," I whisper into the rain.