Who I Am With You

Prologue

   Death is something most normal people try not to think about. Most normal people are afraid of death. It's such an ugly word. Death. I like to place myself under the category of "most normal people." I, too, am afraid of death. It's terrifying for us to imagine what will be the cause of it, but the main fear that surrounds that ugly word is the unknown. What comes after? No one knows for sure. And although different religions say they know; they don't really. They only know what they believe.  While I like to believe God exists and Heaven is real, it doesn't make that step any less frightening. If you're not afraid of meeting God you aren't normal. Yes, it's comforting to face the passage from this world to the next believing you will be in a better place with God, but it's also terrifying at the same time. Imagine standing in front of The Creator of the universe. The omnipotent Creator. It scares me. And not just a little. Whether the afterlife holds something infinitely wonderful or infinitely terrible, for me, it's scary either way.   

And then sometimes I have to wonder... Maybe there is nothing after this. Maybe this is all there is. Once you die you cease to exist at all. It is a state of nothingness. Exactly the same type of nothingness that we were before we were ever born. That's not all that reassuring either.   

I've thought about death more than I ever wanted to. And I am afraid of everything it entails. But sometimes the pain we presently endure surmounts that fear, and we are willing to face death willingly in exchange. A trade off; the choice of the lesser evil. Death, whether it be the portal to the end or a new beginning, is to some: an escape.   

     For whatever reason, God, or the universe (or maybe just my own ignorance), protected me the times I have tried to find that escape. While some people might be grateful that fate intervened and provided not one, but two, second chances, I've vowed that if there is a next time, I will get it right. If there is a next time, it will be the last. For now, though, I will take this unwanted second, second chance at life. Perhaps there is a divine purpose for my unsuccessful efforts at self-destruction. Or perhaps there is not.