Jisoo's POV.
2:04AM
Lisa or Suho?
Suho or Lisa?
Lisa or Suho?
Suho or Lisa?
Both names were on constant rotation in my mind along with Lisa's decision to put me on a clock.
Lisa was an arrogant son of a bitch but that was one of the things I admired about her. Not many women would come up to a married woman and ask to spend a night with her. Swinger club or not.
I was outside of my apartment pacing back and forth in my fabulous shoes. My feet ached but I couldn't face Suho until my thoughts were unscrambled.
How was I supposed to choose between two such different people? They were like night and day. Choosing only one would be like choosing between the sun and the moon.
Suho was simple, sweet, romantic, conventional, passive, and ambitious. He was a provider. He valued wealth and stability and family. He supported my career. We knew each other well. He'd been the only man in my life for a long time. I chose to spend my life with him. But I couldn't ignore the fact that we had both changed over the course of eight years. Or, was it just me who changed?
Even if Suho was capable of forgiving me for my infidelity, for lying to him, would he eventually resent me? Would we truly be able to move on? Or would this affair be the thing left unsaid that would ultimately cause a rift in our relationship one that we couldn't overcome? Could our relationship ever be rebuilt after such a betrayal? And if I loved Suho as much as I claimed to, why was it so easy for me to lie to him?
The only answer I could come up with was my mother? She did the exact same thing to my dad when I was younger. Was there a gene embedded in my DNA that was the root of this affair? Was my subconscious the reason lying to Suho came so easy?
Lisa, on the other hand, was thrilling, spontaneous, mysterious, sexy, dominating, and gruff. She was the type of girl that I had always been secretly attracted to. She was the drug I was too weak to deny. She satisfied me in every way. She never neglected my needs.
She was attentive. She was my something to look forward to. She was my adventure, my dirty little secret, and in many ways my flaw. From the very beginning we were unavoidable. But not knowing where our relationship would lead was terrifying.
If I chose Lisa what would that mean? Would we be in a relationship? Would we be fuck buddies? If I weren't involved with Suho would Lisa have found me as appealing?
I believed she became so smitten with me was because she couldn't be with me all the time. But if we ended up together would she get bored with me? Would the excitement and the illicit feelings cause our chemistry to wane? Would Lisa break my heart? Would I end up with her and discover she was not the woman I thought she was? Was she even capable of giving me the future I wanted?
In the off chance that Suho could forgive me, and Lisa decided that her feelings for me were in fact genuine who did I want? Which one of them brought out the best in me? Which one of them would be a good parent and provider? Which one of them could love me in spite of my flaws? Which one of them was capable of loving me for a lifetime? Which one of them would give me the love and affection and attention that I desired? Which one of them was the person I was meant to be with?
I couldn't understand why the decision was mine anyway. I was the antagonist. Villains shouldn't get to choose anyone. Villains end up alone wallowing in their misery. Dwelling on their mistakes. The villain should beg for forgiveness and still not be forgiven. Somehow I knew that both Suho and Lisa would hurt much more than me.
