MESSIAH

Waiting

Somewhere in Nathan's vagabonding mind

Waiting in a mildly dark room that has been my home for the past few months, I wait for the meal they usually bring me around this hour. In the mean time, I stare at the round, dilapidated clock, on the wall opposite my bed, tick the futile seconds away.

I'm waiting surrounded by the smell of gas and burnt metal for the nourishment that will permit me to start thinking clearly again although I'm not sure if it is the best decision to put my thoughts in focus. I was starting to enjoy the blur that numbness offered.

Fallen on my bed, now staring at the ceiling above, that looks like it will give in at any moment, I think about all the times she tried to help me and all of those where I pushed her away.

I spent months, years, trying to keep her out of my lifestyle and my temptation and a few weeks back into her life was enough to sweep her into my corrupted life and future.

I have corrupted her being with mine. I am contagious and bad for her, but I don't think I am strong enough to let her go.

I have an unexplained feeling in the pit of my stomach that keeps me full. A feeling I cannot comprehend enough to explain.

Something warm.

Something fresh.

Sam.

The contrary of this stinking cold hell of a refuge.

The contrary of this destiny that I am forced to follow the rules of.

She's the one and only. The one who always understood how hard school was, even for those that did well, and convinced me that she was just as lame as I was. The one who kept a smile and a strong backbone even if someone she once told everything to pushed her away. The one who asked about my scars when her own neck was covered in bruises.

I think about my sister's strength, my brother's humor and my mother's smile.

I think of my father who has been through too much to be worrying about his son now.

I think of my best friend with whom I have taken down so many bad guys. Someone who has had my back so many times, but who has almost died because of me.

But once I have gone through all the people I love, my dilapidated mind still falls onto the thought of a certain 16 year old girl who was way too excited to be 17 this year, with a bigger heart than her vast intelligence and who's words could keep me from dying in this hole they have already dug out for me.

My grave is ready, but it would be selfish and weak to want to sleep in it.

My grave is ready, but Sam, among a few others, keeps me from crawling in. But this power she has over me, has now confused me more than ever.

The loud sound of the swelled door, because of the humidity in my corner of the house, makes me jolt up in my bed. I lock eyes with man who took me out of one jail cell and put me into another, standing at the door frame holding the sustenance I was waiting for.

I peek behind him only to be faced with a cold, grey, dungeon like stone wall. Somewhere beyond my walls, the outside of this room is a grand and elegant mansion, but I have only been out of here a couple of times. More often blindfolded than not.

I am their goddamned Cinderella.

He gives me a tray of food without saying a single word. He takes a piece of paper out of his back pocket and puts it in the bowl of mashed potatoes. He smiles at me and just like that, he is out of my room again.

I never show anger and never let anything get to me.

I put the tray on the bed and take the paper out of the food.

The time has come for you to show what you are made of

My hands firm around the paper, I crumple it up and throw it to the wall.

After forcing myself to calm down which took a while to accomplish, I decide to start eating my food. It's already cold. I ignore it and keep chewing a few thoughts rummaging in my brain.

I push away the fear that I wish was nonexistent.

I push away the fact that this fear might get me killed, because I need to be cold blooded.

I look down at the cuts on my arms and think of all the other injuries I have. At that moment, I know that what they have done and what they will force me to do won't be worse than the revenge I will take on all their sorry asses.

All I need to do is wait and everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay...

Everything will be...

Will be okay...

I stretch my arm out and punch the wall.

I feel my knuckles crack as did the wall.

That's how it works. You are forced to bear the pain you impose on others.

And now I know I am torturing Sam because the pain I am feeling is killing me from the inside.

.